Just can't stand him sometimes

Just need to vent, I just can't stand my husband, most of the time (99% of the time).  Everything he does annoys me.  He can't remember anything I say.  We are planning a trip to DC, actually I am planning the trip.  I've told  him over and over when we are leaving, how long the drive, etc.  He asked me just now, how long is the drive?  Can you please remember something!  He asks me stupid questions that he should really be able to decide on his own, he heated up chicken nuggets for our son and asks me are they hot enough?  He is 44 years old, he can't tell if they are hot enough.  My son eats chicken nuggets nearly every day.  I think asking questions must be self stimulating for him somehow.  I'll say something and he repeats it back to me as a question.  Every single time.   He licks his fingers when he is eating, disgusting, and makes that slurping sound when he does.  At night, he doesn't brush his teeth before bed, he swishes his iced tea (with sugar in it) around his mouth to rinse out the food, Gross!  Then cries when his teeth hurt and needs to go to the dentist.  Brush your teeth! Go to the dentist every 6 months like the rest of us.  If you're afraid there are tons of dentists that cater to that.  Find one.  those last two have nothing to do with his ADHD just annoying habits.  I can go on and on.

I know he annoys me so much because I've let my anger and resentment take over and I don't know how to go back.  The book is helping but if he won't work on anything there is only so much I can do.  I look back at the beginning of our relationship to try to think of what I was attracted to, what I fell in love with, and I honestly cannot come up with anything.  I liked the part in the book that says from here on create a new relationship, forget the past and concentrate on today and tomorrow (something like that).  I thought maybe that could be helpful to us since I can't find what I fell in love with from the beginning.  We need help to do that though and I don't know if he will follow through with that.

Learned helplessness

Your first paragraph  - google "learned helplessness". It's very annoying to be on the receiving end, I know, but it's a sign that he is possibly feeling hopelessness and your disgust (he probably senses it) knocks him further into the downward spiral he is wallowing in. Obviously it's hard to respect an adult who behaves in the ways you're describing, and he knows it (further contributing to the downward slide) but probably can't see what to do.  Is there something he's good at that you can show you respect him for?  Build on that? 

 

Edited to add: when I mentioned "something he's good at that you can show you respect him for" I deliberately chose the word 'respect' - not that you have to like or love about him, you seem too fed up for that.  Small steps.

Thank you.  I will look up

Thank you.  I will look up learned helplessness.  And I'm sure you are right, that he cans sense my disgust and just makes things worse.  The word respect is perfect, I do have to work on finding something I can show respect towards him.  That is what men need most, to feel respected.  And I don't respect him, it's hard when he doesn't follow through with anything or when he does he does a poor job.  But I need to find something.  I am making a list today of the things that I would want to work on first in our marriage. In the hopes that if we can both go to counseling I know what matters most to me.  I'll have to try and focus on something that he does well instead of all his annoying habits and traits.  Thanks.

I used to think that H purposely did a lousy job so that I ....

wouldn't ask him to do the job or that I would just do it myself.

 

For years, H seemed to purposely not try, not ask, and just do a half-assed job with chores, etc.  I had no respect for the things he did around the house because he did such a poor job.

Now that he's retired, and he's helping with my business, he is really trying hard.  I don't know what's changed, but it is easy to compliment him on his work because he is doing a very good job.  

 

I think the difference is now he has so much free time that he doesn't mind helping.  Before, I think he felt that as long as he did his career job, then any other time was his leisure time.

Yep!

Yes wouldn't it be nice to just go to work and not have to do anything else. He wanted congratulating for picking up food yesterday, to replace what he has eaten. Honestly I think that if he had his own place then he would learn fast that work is not the only thing you have to put any effort in to.

Everything is a disaster..

With my man it is the same way. I will ask him to help out with laundry and all he can manage is throwing a load in washer, moving it to the dryer and dumping everything in a giant pile for someone else to fold and put away.  Dishes are put in the dishwasher caked with food and grime and come out dirty despite me telling him he needs to wipe them with a sponge first because the dishwasher does not have a power washer in it (been doing this our entire marriage) and food will build up in the bottom of our dishwasher- yuck!  Most days after working all day I am folding and putting away at least two loads of laundry and washing at least one load of dishes, cleaning down the stove and all the countertops, taking care of our two kids with alot of medical challenges all by myself, and basically doing the majority of everything. One has special needs and I have gotten no help trying to get the kid state services- still working on that and a thousand piles of paperwork all on my own here! I handle all the meds, doctors appts, special ed meetings, trying to make sure we have funding for therapies and things the kids need, and the majority of all household cleaning and everything. He is gone most nights with activities and hanging out with friends (believe me, I have complained about this for years with no change) and about all he does is a tiny bit of cleaning, cook two meals a week, and pay the bills. He even leaves early in the morning to go to activities. He refuses to even consider meds and is in denial he has a problem. His problem is HUGE.

 Our house is a shameful disaster and he decorates it to his weird tastes and makes all decisions surrounding it, which sucks. I have bizarre historical decorations from a Roman era in our front room and strange paintings and pictures friends drew for him (bodybuilding drawings or historical renderings with him in them) in my child's bedroom he refuses to take down! (which used to be the office). The garage has his high school posters up in it.I bought a brand new condition, stylish leather chair at a garage sale and matches all our furniture. He freaked out over that!  He insisted on putting in our floors and it was done crooked- there are empty spaces between the walls and floorboards that are huge and visible and he paints them the same color as the flooring to try to hide them. I've had people come to our house and laugh at this. He will not let me clear office furniture out of our younger sons' room so it is really overcrowded in there. I moved out a bookshelf with his trophies on it and he put it right back in. All his junk is still in the closet so our son has no room for anything, but when he wants he wil move furniture as he sees fit. Trash from his car and eating out piles up in the garage. Receipts and business cards overflowing on his bedside table and in our bathroom, all over a table in the living room near our kitchen. It just piles up everywhere and I have to throw a big angry fit for days to get any of it cleaned up or do it myself. He will claim to clean a floor and it looks dirty and still has stains and debris on it. Yet when he wants to do a good job he can. I believe he rushes through and does not care with so many things. This weekend he was home with the kids all week. Decided to basically just work on a project with friends so nothing got done and when I confronted him he claims he trimmed the branches on trees in the backyard! We have doors that are falling apart I have begged him for over a year to replace. Literally one of them is taped together. He decides to drive 6 hours with a friend to buy other items he wants instead, gone all day. Nothing ever gets fixed in this house! And if I try to hire someone on my own to do it he gets angry or insulted or insists it costs too much. So it never gets done.

Can anybody else understand why I am frustrated? I feel like the hired help here much of the time, and I don't get paid. I do everything, take care of everyone, and it has wrecked my health for years. Plus, I work full time hours most of the time. I pick up extra jobs to pay for my healthcare costs and that of the kids- I used to also work a second job on the weekends and had to stop because he used to get into yelling matches with our oldest child and it worried me.  He will go out and spend gift cards my parents buy us for Home Depot to get repairs done on his projects without asking me, and one time I got a hefty check from the insurance company to fix damage on my car and he used it on other things! I get upset at least once a week and often have anger and frustration building up inside. I often feel like I am a volcano about to erupt. Not sure how much longer I can deal with this.

<<<He is gone most nights

<<<He is gone most nights with activities and hanging out with friends (believe me, I have complained about this for years with no change) and about all he does is a tiny bit of cleaning, cook two meals a week, and pay the bills. He even leaves early in the morning to go to activities. He refuses to even consider meds and is in denial he has a problem. His problem is HUGE.<<<

 

Why stay?  

 

He pays the bills?  Big deal.  He probably has them on autopay.  If not, you could do that without him.

 

Seriously, if you kicked him out (or you left with the kids), he'd soon show that he won't do 50% of the childcare and you'll be awarded full physical custody and he'd be ordered to pay a higher child support.

 

Why are you staying with him?  You're doing all the work and getting shit in return.

 

 

BTW....If you do get rid of him, document every hour that he has the kids...time he picks them up, time he returns them, even if you document by text (Thanks for picking the kids up today at noon...or Thanks for returning the kids today at 4pm).  If the kids are returned dirty or hungry, document that as well, "Joey was very hungry when you brought the kids back 15 minutes ago at 6pm.  They said that they hadn't eaten since breakfast." That way, if he shows a history of irregular visitation or care, your case of full custody will be stronger.  

 

I would never have let my husband have long-term care in regards to our kids because they would have received inadequate care.  He loved them, but was easily distracted by TV or self-interests.  I would have documented everything (with witnesses if possible) to prove my case.   I had a friend do this.  Her H wanted shared custody to avoid paying child support, but she documented EVERYTHING and he got very limited visitation.

Boy do I understand how you

Boy do I understand how you feel!!! Most of your first paragraph rings true at my house. I now truly understand the meaning of crazy making. 

Ditto!

I hear ya as well, sounds like my life to a tee!  I feel like I have an extra child in my home all the time!!!!!  No appreciation or respect for anything I do for him and the garbage I have to deal with..........but I am supposed to put up with it!

 

About brushing their teeth

When I started dating my husband, he was 42. He only had 4 teeth left. I found out he never brushed them. When he got a job with insurance, I made sure he got dental and had the last 4 teeth removed and got dentures. He never cleans those either!

I wonder why that is, is it

I wonder why that is, is it depression and not being able to take care of yourself?  My husband doesn't always shower either and he'll sleep in the clothes he wears all day  then wears those same clothes the next day.  Doesn't change underwear or put on fresh deodorant.  Sometimes he'll go 3 days without showering.  Plus, he says his Adderall makes him sweat at night. 

 

I obviously can't say for

I obviously can't say for sure what goes on in other people's minds, let alone those who struggle with ADHD.  But I noticed a similar thing with my ex-BF.  Not in the beginning of the relationship, and I can't pin down when it started, but I started noticing the frequency...we were long distance, so I would often only be there for the weekend...Friday evening to Sunday evening.  There were many weekends I started noticing that he didn't shower until Sunday morning (which meant no shower for 48 hours since Friday morning).  He had a sleep disorder and often slept into the afternoon, so it didn't seem to occur to him to shower so late in the day, I guess.   But we only saw each other every 3-6 weeks, and it seemed kinda disrespectful to me that he wasn't even showering for me any more.  I tried to comment on it a few times and he completely denied it...acted like it was a preposterous thing to say...I mean it didn't happen every visit, but often enough for me to notice a pattern.   My point is...he genuinely didn't seem to be aware of his behavior or how much time had passed.  Classic ADHD symptoms manifesting even in things like showering...

My husband showers enough (I

My husband showers enough (I guess) but he has another issue that bothers me and one of my daughters a lot.  His skin is very dry.  He'll sit in public areas of the house (e.g., the living room), roll up his pants legs or his sleeves, and start scratching, scratching, scratching.  Sometimes he'll draw blood.  We can hear the scratching and see the blood.  If I suggest that he get some lotion and use it, he takes great offense.

teeth

It's either the men we pick or an adhd quality are there any women out ther that dont brush their teeth! yuck!

can feel for you

I've only discovered this site today and so far I've found it amazing and i don't feel so alone. My partner and i have been together for 41/2 years and get married later this year. Unlike most of you i was fully aware of his adhd and depression but suppose i felt you can't help who you fall in love with and i have a medical background so thought i understood the difficulties people with adhd had and thought i could deal/handle it, mostly we are doing ok. We have found ways of dealing with forgetfulness and assisting in the house and he has even manged to find a job that he enjoys so its easied a bit of pressure off me. But just before christmas my god son died and I've been struggling to cope and it feels like he's know fallen apart and the old tones, anger, frustrations are back, everything is my fault or i just get shouted down. I do understand the showing and understanding emotions is very difficult for him and I've tried each day telling him simple how I'm feeling and doing that day. But I'm so angry i feel like the few days after the death i was being supported through the grief then it was as if times up time to carry on by my partner and since then its been terrible. Then tonight I've been reading your post and find myself thinking "what am i do", "in ten years time will i be saying all the same things you all are". Any advice or guidance? Sorry if this is not the right place to write this, but reading the message and responses i felt so helpless and had to respond x 

Hi

Your partner sounds similar to my XBF in that they don't handle crisis situations well at all. When his sister died, and when his dog died, he ran out of the house threatening suicide. When I broke my leg  the last year we lived together, he was angry and took it out on a friend who was a paramedic. I was then helpless and could not physically get out of the house, and that was when he became more resentful of me. I was with him for 10 years. If I could go back in time, I would have never let him into my life. If you set yourself free from a bad relationship, you can have a chance to find a healthy partner, rather than sacrificing your life to your partner's mental illness and all the pain it will cause. 

My situation exactly

When you said "I know he annoys me so much because I've let my anger and resentment take over and I don't know how to go back" it described my situation exactly!  I have also lost respect for my husband due to his laziness, not following through on anything, lack of personal care (hygiene) and lack of being able to hold a job.  I don't even want him to touch me anymore.  The few times I've been able to pull it together lately and treat him with respect it doesn't seem to make any difference in the way he behaves.  I long for a man who I can rely on, be attracted too and respect.  I feel guilty about that but I don't know how to change the way I feel.

me too!

Mine too! My husband said he was going to go to the gym so that I would "find him sexy again". I have explained to him a thousand time that its because of the stress he puts on me but its like he never heard me!

I long for a man who I can rely on, be attracted too and respec

I feel this as well and am coming to the point where I cannot feel any other way. I never follows through, he is gross with hygiene and eating, and I have lost respect for him because everyday is a crisis with something and financially he has been consistent over past two years but in past he has not. I have also been working last 2 years so this has helped because he does not have to come up with as much money each month, not that he would admit it he seems to think he is rich and going to be more rich in the future. He asks why I don't believe in his ability to run a business and earn lot's of money. For one he can't even pay his bills for his business on time, two he is bad at taking phone calls for his business in an orderly way, three every project he is on there is an issue that costs him more money than he planned to spend usually it is b/c he did not pay attention to details. I went back to work so I could save for retirement and have health insurance for my family. In fact I never did not work I just worked from home part time, not that he ever acknowledged my contribution or how hard it was to do bookkeeping while watching and infant. On a daily basis I feel such a loss for the marriage I am in, I would love to feel like I have a partner that compliments my life instead of drains it. All I can think about is the day my kids are out of the house and I can leave.

I wish I had some advice for

I wish I had some advice for you, and all of us.  I know exactly how you feel.  Nothing I say to my husband seems to sink in, even when I say things in a supportive way and not out of anger.

I thought I was the only wife

I thought I was the only wife out there who felt like this ..my husband makes me go places with him because he doesn't want to go alone or because he can't do anything on his own.. I serve no purpose going with him wverywhere.. It's bad enough I hate being around him at home . It's so nice when he goes to work and I can just exhale!!
dbeauty's picture

Finally! I'm not alone!

My husband repeats himself constantly! I mean every single day about the exact same things. He too struggles to maintain work. He even sucks his thumb!! I didn't know this until long after we were married. I just wish he didn't do it in front of me. He's extremely messy and literally destroys things in the house because he's so accident prone. He also wasn't much into brushing his teeth, he now has dentures and never wears them, he was so handsome :( still could be. He has totally let himself go. 

 

Re:Finally! I'm not alone

What is with that repeating OMG, mine does it too. I first noticed it when he would play with one of our dogs..he kept calling her "stinky dog" and he would say it over and over til even the dog was sick of it. Now he does it with other phrases that get stuck in his head, or he tells a story, over and over. Our friends are noticing and we call it his-hamster wheel time, but it's embarrassing!

cuckled at this, but hear it too

I hear these phrases too. A lot of the time they are funny, but if it's repeated over and over, and over again, it gets old and frustrating. My ADHD husband does what  I call

"mind chatter". He says what's on his mind, over and over and over again, and repeats things many times a day. Also, talks to himself, makes noises, bangs doors and cupboards, and can NEVER be quiet when I ask. (especially when our grandchild is sleeping) I will tell him shhhh, we have to be quiet now, "Oh, yes, I will"......two seconds later he's singing....I say."please be quiet".....he then says "Oh, yes, I forgot" and then starts whistling. That will happen 6 or 7 times before he ends up walking into another room or back to his office........still making noise.....and then the little one wakes up....AGAIN.

Oh dear .. all I can say is

Oh dear .. all I can say is "join the club". 

It's sad, and frustrating, and we love them for it but, OMG, it's exhausting.

 

Oh my! My ex does the

Oh my! My ex does the repeating thing too. I have said "okay, he gets it. You can stop saying it". That's how much it was said. I am so so so glad I don't have to live with him anymore!

Gosh! I know exactly how you

Gosh! I know exactly how you feel  sometimes I just want to cry or go to sleep early because I just can't take it anymore. He spent 3 hours trying to fix the Internet so we could watch football(I live in France)and it seemed like  the only thing he cared about was that. Sometimes I feel so alone. I hate to remind him about everything only to have him forget most of it. I feel like a parent nagging their child.  

 

 

dbeauty's picture

Same same blah blah

 

i so appreciate this group! I honestly felt so very alone. I liked the post about learned victimization. My hubby complains day in and out about his job. He chose it, he can change it! Last weekend he was supposed to get the Sunday paper but did not. If it's so very important and my ears are bent continually about his job, and the paper is so important then why didn't he go get it?! He was off for the holiday! Whatever!!

He also is very frivolous with money. I handle the bills but he's maxed out 5 credit cards on bullcrap!

Just so you know, I'm sleeping in the guest room. I just want to separate myself for a while... Anyone else do this? 

db 

guest room

I prefer the guest room I feel like I can breath and I don''t have the pressure to have sex with someone I feel is disgusting.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN

ITS WEIRD HOW SUDDENLY YOU CAN KINDA FEEL NORMAL JUST FROM HEARING OTHERS HAVING THE SAME ISSUES IN LIFE, BUT INSTEAD OF FEELING BETTER I FEEL WORSE BECAUSE ITS TAKING OVER. THESE MEN!!! I DNT GET IT BECAUSE I KNOW IM NOT ALONE WHEN I SAY THAT HE WASNT THIS PERSON WHEN I MET HIM AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM... AND WE ALL KNOW THAT WE ARE SUPPOSE TO GROW WITH MARRIAGE BUT NOT APART ITS SO HARD TO LOOK AT THE PERSON THAT YOU ONCE KNEW BETTER THAN THEY KNEW THEM SELVES AND REALIZE THAT THATS NO LONGER THE CASE.. NOW YOU LOOK AT HIM AND THINK WHEN DID I ADOPT ANOTHER CHILD.. THIS ISNT FAIR WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT GREW UP IN THIS RELATIONSHIP..  AND WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW, AND YOU FEEL ALONE AND ISOLATED BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO WAS ONCE MY PARTNER IN CRIME IS GONE.. AND IM LEFT TO PICK UP THE PIECES.. AND THE KIDS, INNOCENT BY STANDERS WHO DNT UNDERSTAND WHY MOM CNT STAND THE SIGHT OF  DADDY ANYMORE  AND OF COURSE ITS ALL MY FAULT CAUSE I GREW UP.!!!

Reply to "I feel your pain"

It is really sad that everyone does have the same issues with the ADHD (ADD) person they fell in love with.  I don't know how it gets this way that it seems all of a sudden they are a different person.  I have been with my husband for the last 18 years and something was always off just a little when i first got to know him, but there were so many wonderful qualities about him as well that they were not what I ever focused on.  Over the last several years now that he is in his mid to late 40's things have gotten "out of hand"!  He is miserable and complains a lot.  He was always the easy going one, now he is judgemental and quick tempered.  He manages his time way worse than ever before and seems confused most of the time, does not communicate well, speaking or hearing.  He was only diagnosed with ADD in 2013 and only has the last little while been calmer in our house.  I think it took a long time for his meds to be adjusted to what worked for him.  I think in the last couple weeks I have seen more of the man that I first knew then what I have seen the last several years.  I have taken A LOT of effort as well as I am the only one that understands that what he does not make sense, I am the only one in REALITY most of the time.  Our daughter has been greatly affected as well, as she sees the same as me, she is my saving grace so I knew that I was not going crazy!  I feel pretty calm right now and so does he.......I can only HOPE this continues now on most days than not.  We bought the couples seminar as well in Feb 2014...........but have not started it.............go figure.    There is hope I think, but really they need the right meds and a whole lot of effort on the part of the spouse and family..........something that still does not sit well with me, but I am slowly seeing the benefits.

I don't understand why you should have too

What's wrong with removing yourself for the one who is causing you frustration and pain? I don't understand why you should put yourself and your children through the tension of trying to make something work that is not working. What is wrong with knowing when it's over and moving on? 

I have found that taking it make children in the home also resent the parent that is not stepping up and later in the teen years resent you for putting up with it.

 

I just can't stand him sometimes and i do feel your pain

I think people don't leave for the same reasons as people don't leave people with other issues..................you hope they can change..........you hope that somehow the person you fell in love with will miraculously come back to you.  It sucks that this probably hardly ever happens.  My husband may actually have a brain injury (post concussion symptoms) so we are waiting for that diagnosis, and if it is then it is a whole different course of treatment.......and treatment that will be paid for by medical insurance, scans and tests and a lot of things that can help him other than MEDS. 

Not to hijack, but

I saw your mention of your husband having both ADHD and post concussion syndrome. I'm the opposite -- I've been diagnosed with the post concussion syndrome, but not officially with ADHD (though I've been taking Adderall for what are basically symptoms for years). I'd be interested to hear how your H is being treated for both things. I'm just getting started, and I'm not sure what they plan to do. I started a thread about it in the Diagnosis sub-forum. Thanks!

Not to hijack

HI,  my husband has been going through the motions of being diagnosed with ADD and is on meds.  But we are also going through the motons of getting him checked for brain injury.  the symptoms can be very similiar if the frontal lobe of the brain was involved as his was, and the symptoms did not start until a year or more after the injury

MsJenni's picture

I totally get it

I'm not even sure if my hubby has ADD. He refuses to be diagnosed but I know something is going on. I have gotten so resentful lately. Everything he does annoys the crap out of me. He can't hold a job and is home way too much. He doesn't let me parent and yells over me. Our kids were much better behaved before. He's rude, and just thinks of himself. He doesn't take care of himself. I get it.

So hard to know what to do!

I'm sitting here late at night, too angry to go to bed, so I google "I can't stand my husband" and it lands me here. Funny because he has ADD but that wasn't what I searched for. Apparently the two go very easily together. Over the years, as you have all also experienced, I've started to take on more and more responsibilities because he is just simply incapable of doing almost anything correctly. Bills, organizing, planning...at this point I do everything plus work full time. He works, comes home and watches TV or internet. That's it! Meanwhile, I'm over here like "Hello! Some help? Or a thank you?" Sometimes I think why did I even marry him in the first place? At this point he just makes my skin crawl. Luckily he doesn't have the hygiene problems some of you are facing, but still, the world I am living in is un-livable. I spend all my time trying to guess what he will mess up and then fix in for him. What am I getting out of this marriage? Absolutely nothing. No help, no romance, no thank you, no follow through...just him constantly telling me I am a nag and I need to fix myself. My struggle is that our marriage has been like this for YEARS. Why have I stayed this long? What is wrong with me? I fantasize about leaving and starting over, as scary as that is. Do you know there are men out there who actually remember your birthday? Who know how to do laundry? I love being in a relationship and having someone to do nice things for, so that is why it took so long to realize I wasn't getting anything in return. I was having too much fun spoiling him. At what point do I throw in the towel and just say enough? How do you even go about starting such a process? Part of my brain thinks...it's just easier to stay here and be okay with being the mother of a "five year old." But is that really fair to me? I'm just so exhausted from running two people's lives that I don't have any energy left to focus on myself. All the suggestions I have read (and tried) for ways to speak to him, support him etc, just don't work. I really hope they do for some people, but for me, his behavior stays exactly the same- he just gets treated nicer the normal. The only way I can see this getting better is for him to realize he has to change (and then actually do it....yeah right). I don't see this happening ever. It just feels so hopeless! Why are we all so stuck in this rut?

Oh boy. So I looked at the

Oh boy. So I looked at the date of my original post and it has been 2 years! So very sad. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but for me nothing has really changed. Talk about a rut. How do you get them to want to change? I know you can't force anyone to change but meanwhile we are stuck. Do you have kids? If I didn't have kids I would probably be gone. You mentioned you like to take care of him, I'm not like that. I feel I am not his mother and he can do it himself. Like going to the dentist in my post (which he still hasn't gone to-not kidding-that is so gross). I know wives that would make the appt for him. He would probably go if I did that. But I'm not his mom, he's an adult and can make the appt himself. Maybe it's me. If anything it's a little worse, my kids are 2 years older and the yelling and anger, forgetting, broken promises, etc are really negatively affecting them. Over Christmas he worked a lot and was gone for 2 and 1/2 days, my daughter said she was glad. How sad. I'm so sad for her.

message to "Oh boy. So I looked at the"

He would not go even if you made the appointment b/c he would forget the appointment. I have drag mine to any doctor but I only do it for things important to me like his double hernia i drug to surgurey in a blizzard with my 2 kids so i could get it over with and the dentist well it is the only time his teeth get cleaned so if i have to kiss him at least i know there is nothing growing in there according to the dentist. i hate that if i did not do his laundry he would wear dirty clothes all the time an not care. seriously i think i was desperate to have children and he seemed like good stock so i said i do. 

Update

After 5 years we have split. We are still living in the same house as we are winding up financial commitments. We had already been sleeping apart for over a year and thats just when I started counting. He just doesnt care at all, for me what changed was when I received care into myself for perhaps the first time and knowing that I care about others without conditions. It made me realise 'its not me' as soon as I realised this and receiving care and kindness made me just not able to accept anything else. I also know now why I stuck around and it was everything to do with me. I percieved my parents as uncaring and cruel and when I describe it to most people they agree. I chose my partner because he has those traits of being uncaring but he is also safe, so finally my anger was able to come out and I was able to express it. It is only through therapy that I have been able to realise why I stayed and what function it served for me. As soon as I realized this I thought I dont need to do that anymore. I only post this as it may help some who read it. Now I sit here as he sits on a dating website in front of me a month after the split, knowing he doesnt care, five years we lasted and he is looking for someone to fill the void. He never looks inwards to heal himself. So look inwards, heal and grow and then you will not have to search your path you will know it. Im still a bit annoyed by the whole carrot on a string thing. I feel like he dangled stuff I needed in front of my face, made promises he could not and never intended to keep. Now honestly when he tries to do this not that I spend any significant time in the same room as him it makes me so angry, the lack of genuiness and manipulation. I just want a real row I guess so I can say exactly what I think of that!

Help

Have you considered getting some more formal help with grieving yourself so you feel supported? Have you asked him why he was capable of supporting you at first but is now not? Have you told him how his behaviour makes you feel and what you need?

Hopeless

I am at my point of where I just don't care anymore and want to put on a backpack and hike far into the hills away from life. Being married to my husband is exhausting.I feel like he makes life in general so much harder. And I am not attracted to him b/c he is such a slob. He never brushes his teeth and has this gross dead smelling breath I don't want to kiss him and neither do my kids ever want him to kiss them. He never zips up his fly after he pees. He farts all the time. He eats insane amounts of food just shovels it in and makes a mess wherever he is and never picks it up. This is his day: he works two jobs (his own companies, and yes due to his adhd there are always crazy problems on a daily basis which is stressful and why I have nothing to do with any of his businesses anymore) He does make more money than me and I acknowledge that he puts more in the budget than I do. He takes the girls to daycare in the morning (however he tries to sluff this off on my many mornings), He comes home from work, eats, drinks beer, and goes to sleep. I don't ask more of him because it is a fight. I run the ship and he never acknowledges that I work full time, I take care of the kids nights and weekends ( a 2yr old and 3yr old), I manage all house finances, healthcare appointments and bills, I do all daycare volunteer hours and scheduling, I clean the house and the yard and do all repairs in house, I make dinner every night, and I take our kids to all activities, play dates and birthday parties. Lately he has been assisting me with my out of control 3 year old because I cannot handle her tantrums any longer but now this is creating a daddy is good guy mommy is bad guy thing. I am so absolutely stressed from the pressure of my family, my annoying job (seriously I work in a real life episode of The Office), and then there are just my own personal struggles like loosing weight and controlling my stress level. I just feel like I cannot take it anymore he is one more issue I have to deal with on a daily basis and really ads nothing to my life except that he is a loving dad to my kids. That I give him. Outside of that I really do not wish to be married to him anymore but feel obligated b/c we both come from divorced families and I do not want my kids to have their dad living elsewhere, first off he would never see them b/c he is obsessed with his businesses. And when he is home he is on the computer or his phone so he does not interact with the kids he is just there. Its more than they would have if we lived separately. I feel like I am at a point where I just cannot handle anything anymore in life.

I can't stand my husband

So 4 years later nothing has really changed except that my husband is finally getting a neuropsychology assessement done.  Which is good timing as the cycle of this is driving me crazy.  So many of the things/behaviours that the doctors have said are ADHD are not................no proper diagnosis has ever been done...........so many of these things are actually related to mood disorders.  Today the testing is being done.  I am certain it will come back with as his first psychiatrist said.............either Bipolar 2 or a personality disorder (cluster B traits), not ADHD.  The meds never helped and he never did what the ADHD coach told him to do either............even I knew that meant something else was going on!!  Don't keep trying to make things work if you really don't know what your spouse has........there is no point!!!  Look up "insightful".........if they are not.............you will be going around in circles as I have not for over 4 years.

problems with wife

She doesn't always brush her teeth (sometimes will just gargle); doesn't change underwear for 2-3 days, doesn't shower for 2-3 days; doesn't do her own laundry; stuffs clean clothes I have washed into her closet, which is just piles of clothes. When I mention the closet to her, she always changes the subject and starts to talk about minor things I do (like wanting to eat breakfast before going on a Sunday outing). She has a hard time holding down a job. She already talks to a therapist weekly, and has been talking for almost 20 years. We have been married 15 years this June. I am at wits end....

Could be cognitive dysfunction

I hate to say this, but perhaps much of what he has is Cognitive issues with forgetting things,  with is more of the ADD, which tends to affect Executive functioning and memory, whereas ADHD has more hyperactivity, and perhaps along the lines of a learning disability. I have Autoimmune thyroid disease that is quite severe, it has developed into Hashimotos Encephalopathy so my immune system also attacks my brain alongside my thyroid, and forgetting things is one of the many issues I struggle with when my condition is not under control. Within 3 days of stopping my meds for it I will start getting confusion, forget things, start losing functioning. I will get times confused, like if I need to take my son to a Dr. appt. that is at 2pm I should leave by 1pm to get him and arrive on time, but for some reason I will think that 2pm is the time I need to leave, things like that, forget therapy appts, etc, etc. You might want to have him try supplements or meds that help with learning and memory. There is a medical food out there called VayaCog that helps with this. It's a formulation based off of Vayarin, which is a medical food for ADHD and emotional lability my youngest child takes- a combo of Omega 3's and Phosphotidylserine. Our doc has a family member taking Vayacog that forgets things and says it works. Perhaps he needs some sort of daily reminder to brush his teeth. As for making noise when eating perhaps he is not aware and you might have to make a comment about it a few times for him to "get it". Also, get his blood sugar and thyroid levels checked. If these are out of whack or his diet is too then you will have alot more issues with cognitive and brain fog.