I finally left my husband when I lost my job, because he hadn't tried to look for a job, or done anything to maintain our house, in over a year. Someone in a relationship has to work, and someone has to keep the house and cook the meals. That can be co-operative or you can go with one works and the other keeps the house together. But someone has to do it. Our divorce was final on Friday.
I went to look at a car that was offered on Craigslist in the city where I lived for the last 20 years, and he still does. The car didn't work out, so I stopped by the house we rented. He never locks the door, so I was able to walk right in. The house reeked. Positively reeked. Part of the porch had fallen in. It looked like an episode of Hoarders. I dropped off what I was leaving for him and left.
This is clearly unsafe and unsanitary. I'm worried about him and about our animals. The dog seemed fine but I don't know what happened to the cat. He might just have been out "catting around", or he might have run away like his sister did. :)
Now what should I do? I have several options.
Let him stew in his own filth.
Let the landlord know so he will evict my ex. Landlord is an individual investor and doesn't deserve to have his house destroyed. That would leave ex homeless and God knows what would happen to the animals. I can't take the dog.
Call some sort of social service agency. Who?
Try to talk to his mother, who is a first-class enabler.
I feel responsible for the dog. I feel that the landlord shouldn't have to suffer for renting to us. I was raised with the guiding principal never to do anything that has a negative effect on anyone else. I am worried about my ex because he's probably too miserable to see his way out of the mess. He would never clean when I lived with him. It was "too overwhelming".
Anyone have any suggestions? I'm guessing it would cost at least $5000 to make the house suitable for a new tenant. the floors will all need to be replaced (hardwood), and probably the walls too because of the prevasiveness of the smell. I am devastated to know I was married to a man who could live like that.
Social services or a
Submitted by sunlight on
Social services or a hospital?
Hospitals often have an emergency social worker or a mental health services person. They may only see people in the hospital but they should know other local agencies who deal with at-risk adults. Try picking the biggest hospital in the region and calling?
Even try CPS and ask who to call to report a vulnerable adult? Any social service agency ought to have a list of phone numbers?
This must be a tremendous worry for you, I wish you all the best going forward.
Edited to add: You mention the porch problem but not whether there's a yard and he's been cutting the grass or letting that fall into disrepair. If social services won't go take a look you might let the local police dept know. If the house looks neglected it might attract the wrong type of attention. Maybe a patrol car could stop by and see if that gets his attention.
We talked about it a little, no resolution
Submitted by Sueann on
Seems in my haste to drop off my bag at his house and get out into the fresh air, I left my GPS in it. He called me about it and I brought up the state of the house. He says he feels the landlord should fix the porch. I pointed out that that it was caused by not cleaning the gutters, causing water to back up in the porch roof. He feels cleaning the gutters is the landlord's responsibility. But it isn't. And he left the lawn mower I bought out in the rain and now it doesn't work, so the grass hasn't been mowed in years.
He says the cat is fine but spends a lot of time outside. I can't say I blame him. Cats have more sensitive sense of smell than we do, I if it stinks to me, it probably really stinks to him.
I do not want him hospitalized, I don't think, because he's just finally lowered himself to the level of mere mortals and gotten a job. If he loses this one, he'd never try to work again.
I plan to go to a performance in his town in 2 weeks, and we agreed I would stop pick up my GPS and whatever of the rest of my stuff I can fit in my car. I will see if he's done anything in those 2 weeks and then make a decision on what to do about it.
I am so scared for him, as well as for myself, as the landlord feels I am equally responsible to pay the rent, because 6 years ago I signed the original lease. And, of course, I paid the security deposit. We verbally renegotiated the rent after a year of so, and then he did again after I left, but no new leases were signed. But I am haunted by how much damage he's done to what was once a nice house.
off
Submitted by lynninny on
Sueann, I am sorry you are in this situation. I think I may try to take care of it sooner rather than later, so that your name isn't legally attached to anything that has to do with him. Now that your divorce is final, can your attorney or anyone advise you as to how to handle this? Harsh, I know, but the alternative may be you being financially responsible for him and the house. The worst case would be its continued decay with him in it with your name on the lease, right?
The hospital may sound scary, but in fact, it could possibly be the best thing for him. Maybe getting some sort of diagnosis and treatment would help him, and in any case, it could at least initiate some sort of oversight and treatment. I have heard the criteria is "unable to care for self," and "a danger to self." In my area, there is a mental health team that will visit a person's house under these conditions--without an ambulance or 911 call, but to assess and possibly recommend a patient go to the hospital. The person has to agree to let them in.
My best to you. I am sure this is so stressful. Take care of yourself.
I have plenty of legal advice available
Submitted by Sueann on
My daughter is a divorce attorney. Her associate did my divorce for just the filing fees. (She volunteered, I didn't ask her to.) She assures me I am not responsible for the final renegotiation that he did after I left, which was that he would pay half the rent until he got a job and then catch up. However, husband got into a Goodwill "job coaching" program, which delayed him finding a job for several months. The current job pays only $7.50 an hour, so, although I think he pays his own rent now, he hasn't been able to catch up. My daughter assures me I'm not responsible for anything he and the landlord worked out after I left. My biggest concern is the damage that was done to the house. I don't live in that town any more, and I'm disabled, so cleaning it up for him is impossible. I'm barely keeping my own head above water, so I can't pay to refinish or replace the floors. The landlord does know it's not me, as he gave me a great reference when I was looking for a place of my own this spring. My mother-in-law is 82, she won't be around to help him forever. I'm also terrified for the animals. I could take the cat but not the dog, and I don't know what would happen to him if my husband was in the hospital.
He told me he couldn't afford to mail my GPS back to me, a matter of about $5. I asked him to seal it in a plastic bag until I got there, but he would not commit to doing that. He's so used to it, he doesn't even realize how much of a problem it is. I will have a better chance of assessing the situation when I go back. It is only 2 weeks, and I don't think it will get any worse in that time. But I agree that he probably fits into the criteria for "danger to self".
Social services can't help me
Submitted by Sueann on
I didn't return to the town I lived in with my ex when i said I would because he wouldn't return my confirming phone calls. I went a week ago. We actually had a nice time. I was going to treat him to dinner and a play, but he ended up paying for all that. I did retrieve some of my personal stuff. He told me he has refused the insurance offered at his job under the ACA.
I didn't call social services until today. They said he has rights and they can do nothing to intervene. I am so frustrated, and very scared for him. Can anyone tell me how to solve this problem? I still love him although we are divorced, and I can't stand the way he's living. The combo of ADD and depression certainly sucks!