SD arrived here on Thursday night for a 2 week visit. She sees it as a chore to come up here so she is never happy. She is glued to her phone and doesn't let it out of her sight for anything. She goes to the bathroom with it, sleeps with it and never lets us see who or what she is texting. H picked her up at the train station on Thursday evening and from the moment she walked in the front door, she didn't take her eyes off that phone. I want to take it from her and smash it into little pieces as I am so tired of there being no interaction whatsoever. She couldn't even say 10 words to me when she got here. Boy this will be a fun 2 weeks.
H took the day off yesterday to spend with her. SD was clearly not happy when I got home at 4:30 and they don't seem super happy with each other. She says he keeps hounding her to sit and watch a movie or play a video game or come outside with him and all she want to do is be left alone with her phone. She tells me she wants to go and do something fun this week as she is bored. I say "ok what do you want to do?" She gives me an exasperated "I don't know! I just want to get out of the house." Well other than me spending money on you at the mall, I don't think you enjoy doing anything else. Everything we do with her bores her to tears. We have a guest visit from about 5 til 6:30 and she is fine during that time yet doesn't really talk to the guy even though she was looking forward to him visiting and just sits on her damn phone rolling her eyes about how bored she is. After he leaves, we order pizza and then go to the grocery store before we pick up the pizza. She's copping attitude because she doesn't want to go to the store. She complains that we never do anything so here we are getting out of the house. She slams her bedroom door to go get changed and is still copping an attitude. She's pissy the entire time we are out and when we get back with the pizza she sits down and accidently knocks over H's beer. She just sits there. H makes some comment about how she can't clean up her own mess. She rolls her eyes. H is so sick of her on that phone that he tells her to put it away and eat dinner. She says no. He tells her again and she says no. He loses it and tells her to go to her room. Well the ****storm began. She started yelling at him about how he's not her father, he was never a father to her. He doesn't care about her and how she's always hated him, despised him, loathed him and starts throwing f bombs all over. He retaliates by doing the same thing. They are screaming at the top of their lungs and slamming doors and SD tries to throw a punch at H. He pushes her on the bed. I am so stressed out and go hide in the bathroom. The neighbor comes yelling if everything is ok and H tells him to go away. SD says she is going to call a cab and get a restraining order on H. 10 minutes later the cops knock on the door. I am still in the bathroom. They only stay a couple of minutes once they see SD isn't hurt and leave. The screaming and phone calls between her mother and them continue. Finally H tells me to just take her to Seattle where the mother's friend will pick her up and keep her until she can get back to her mom's the next day as she is not going to take a cab and she is threatening to go out the window and she does not want to be in the car with him. I take her down and she's crying and telling me how much she hates H and all he does is lie and I am just so stressed out about being in the middle of it that I just want to get her the hell out of the car and just remove myself from everything. Every time she visits it's stressful because I never know who's going to go off on the other one first, because there will be something, but it's never to this degree. H ended up punching a hole in the door and now we have neighbors who have heard yelling and slamming of doors and cops.
The whole thing was so surreal as I have never been witness to such a thing other than watching "Cops". I have never seen a 16 y/o child say such horrible things to a parent and be so defiant. She had a taunting response to EVERYTHING he said just to get the last word in. I am so embarrassed about the screaming and the neighbors hearing it and the cops coming that I don't want to step foot outside the house.
Mapper, I am concerned about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Mapper, I am concerned about your safety and health and that of your stepdaughter. I understand your desire to not "rock the boat," but my impression is that the boat is sinking and if you don't say something, you (and your stepdaughter) might go down along with your husband. If you really can't stand the idea of getting counseling that is paid for by your husband's insurance, then get some that you pay for yourself. Please save yourself!
As far as I am concerned, SD
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
As far as I am concerned, SD brought this on just as much as H. She is the one who defied him and then started the whole screaming match with I hate you and tried to throw a punch at him. H hasn't been a great father but he didn't deserve to be called all those horrid things.
I'm not meaning to say that
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm not meaning to say that your stepdaughter was blameless. But she's not the adult; your husband is. He's also the parent. He is ultimately responsible. And it's clear that he does not know how to handle situations such as this appropriately.
Submitted by Standing on
One thing that helped me to begin to overcome my terror of conflict (and I am not there yet!) is to take a closer look into the source of that fear. You mentioned your mother. Same for me... my mother's response to distress, disappointment, anger, frustration was to turn a cold shoulder. I've come to learn that she developed that style because of her own issues and that it had nothing to do with me.
Maybe if you posted some more here about your mother, something would come to light that may begin to ease your current situation. Just a thought.
He was so angry at her last
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
He was so angry at her last night that it eventually turned on me too. First said he was sorry about all this as he was yelling at her and then 2 minutes later came to me and wanted me to verify what he was saying about how ungrateful SD is is true and I said I don't want to talk about that right now and he goes '"Fine! You can all leave for all I care." and then asked if I was going to stay in the bathroom all night.
I'm worried about you, Mapper
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm worried about you, Mapper. Your husband's behavior appears to be deteriorating and you're getting hurt, whether or not he intends that. I wish I had something to suggest that you felt capable of doing.
It is so important to start taking care of yourself
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
You are in a very difficult situation, and I can understand that you may be very overwhelmed by the circumstances. You can only hide out from it for so long, however, and then, like this incident, it is going to explode around you, and at a certain point, you will need to take care of yourself for your own survival.
Your husband has some very serious issues. I agree with Rosered that he is the adult, and therefore should not be doing battle with his step daughter to the degree that the neighbors have to intervene, and the cops get called. I used to work with men who were "batterers." They would end up being arrested because someone would call the cops on them when they were having altercations with their wives. Your situation is beginning to sound like this. Now you say he has punched a wall. How much further can this go? It's hard to know.
You need to seek counseling. You have got to take care of yourself instead of remaining in a situation where you are a victim to your husband's whims and destructive anger. There is only so much that can be done for you here. There are clearly issues from your past that you need to work through so that you can begin to feel like you are in charge of your life. If you are not strong enough to pack a bag and go somewhere else when things get so volatile that you have to hide in the bathroom, then you are in essence, telling your husband it is O.K. for him to behave the way he is behaving.
You are not in a good situation. Get yourself some help. It's very important to your personal safety. And don't mistake my directness for a lack of compassion. I truly feel for you. I am just very concerned that you won't let in the advice of these other women who are trying so hard to support you. I advise you to listen to what they are saying to you.
Hope things have calmed down for you Mapper....
Submitted by c ur self on
I hope things have improved...This scenario you've posted seems to me one that is all to typical...your SD doesn't see your husband as a positive influence in her life. One she feels safe and loved by...He wants to make up for his absents in her life by pretended all is OK...He wants to just love her now...No relationship! He is super frustrated I know, but the reality is he needs to humble himself and admit to her his mistakes as a Father...And you are just stuck in the middle...knowing this explosion is going to happen...Sorry your dealing with this...