I'm just trying to find out how out of whack I am in my expectations of my ADHD husband. I've posted here before. We've been married 11 years, he is a successful businessman (never any problems providing very well for us or holding a job, at least I can say that) and have one adopted child and he has a bio child. Lately I am just struggling with an action - reaction phenomenon. He does something rude or selfish, and when I react he says I'm _________ (depressed, inflexible, a b-tch, controlling...fill in the blank). For example, this past weekend were were visiting his parents and sister and were in a hotel with our younger daughter, who has a mood disorder and is very hard to handle. Example 1: He left to go to hit golf balls and said he would be back in 1.5 hours, at which time I could go to the gym and then we would take our daughter to the zoo. After 2 hours passed I texted him and got no response. At 3 hours I got a text from him, he got lost finding the golf course and he met some guys and did I mind if he had a beer with them? I blew a gasket, because he not only was late but did not let me know what the delay was, and now he wanted to drink beers with strangers while his wife and difficult child were cooped up in a hotel room on a visit to HIS family? To me the appropriate response from him would be a sincere apology for being late and to not even consider going for beers, knowing that I'm stuck in the hotel. But instead he said I was not being "reasonable" and that I was blowing things out of proportion. Example 2: He was out of town on business over the holidays and at some point a neighbor husband texted him about an evening holiday party that he was having for the neighborhood friends. My husband texted back and said that he was out of town working that night. Period. Never mentioned that maybe I'd like to attend the party since I would be home and/or that the neighbor should let me know about it and/or that husband could have personally let me know there was a party one night down the street while he was gone. So instead I was stuck at home (as usual) with my daughter and right before the party my neighbor asked me if I was going, and I was embarrassed to say it was the first I heard of it nor had I arranged child care, so I listened to the party sounds all night while stuck at home. When I told my husband I would have liked to have known about the party, he said "you don't like those people, you wouldn't have wanted to go" and "you are being completely unreasonable, it was an oversight". When again I told him that an apology was in order he said there was not "intent to harm" so he did not owe me any apology and he continues to insist there was nothing to apologize about, that it was a "trivial" incident. When I tried to say it wasn't trivial to me he said I needed mental health care.
So, am I out to lunch here? Would most people just smile nicely if their spouse constantly did things like this? I feel like I was more flexible in the beginning but now after 11 years of this, combined with him yelling at me, calling me names and using profanity every time I voice something I'm not happy with, I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks for suggestions and advice.