just need to vent

I am new here and I just need a place to let go for a moment.  I need to know how much can you take of this.  My husband is well meaning in many respects.  He is a great father, but I am having difficulty dealing with the extraordinary amount of responsibility it takes to be married with someone who has ADHD.  We don't really name it because he doesn't believe that things should be named less it has power over you.  He is unmedicated because he doens't want to be dependant on any drug for the rest of his life.  I am tired and frustrate because I can't trust him to deal with or take care of things that need to be taken care of.  I have no back up.  If I don't remember to do things, then they won't get done.  There are things he does and he feels repsonsible for.  But I carry so much weight around for the family that I am starting to just shut off.  I have been with this man for nearly 20 years.  I have tried to be understanding of his issues, I have tried to put up boundaries, i have tried to have my own life as well.  Things are ok, but I am mentally just exhausted.  I literally had to not do anything for the past few days but read a book and the minimal care needed to deal with my kids.  On this, he gives me much space and help which is a blessing.  I try to count my blessings, but I am just tired of caring for all the bills, the business that we had together that I had to take over because I couldn't trust his decisions, the schedule, planning for the future, the things around the house, the kids schedules and activities...MEanwhile, I'm trying to pursue my passions and go to work.  I have never been the neatest person, but my office is literally a mess.  I am overwhelmed and tired of being the responsible one.  Though it's "small" I have the stroller outside and it rained for two days.  I had to shut down for the past two days so the stroller has been rained on.  It wouldn't be an issue, but it's not my stroller and the intention was to give it back.  All the work that needed to be done is still here waiting for me like a ton of bricks.  Just to cook dinner last night I had to do the dishes from last week and clean up in order to start cooking.  

How do you soldier on?!  I love my husband.  He is a good man.  He just is not a great provider or a partner.  He want's to help, but I don't need help.  I can hire help(if I had the money).  I need a partner.  I need some respite from all the burdens.  I need to not be responsible ultimately for EVERYTHING.  I get told that I have a matyr complex and that I feel he doesn't do anything.  I preface everything I say with what he is actually doing so that he knows that I am aware.  I just need more in places that he is not good at.

Thanks for listening.  I'm trying.  that's it.

 

As you say your sentiment is

As you say your sentiment is well taken here. Glad you took a moment to unload. I have new way of describing the burden "handling everything" which you might find validating.

My DH is a good man too, he would do every TASK I asked him to do. The burden of responsibility was still all me; I had to be the one to initiate everything--from going out to dinner, sex, cleanup day in the garage, whatever. Would he do "it" if I mentioned it and spelled out what was needed? You bet. But if I didn't initiate "it," think of "it" or plan how "it" was going to happen, it didn't happen. He was a sidekick from a movie who looked up to say "What we gonna do new, boss?" I'm a strong woman, but, man could he just show me he could take care of me--really take care of me--once in a while? My secondary needs are emotional intimacy and support, neither of which were met even though he's a "feeler" personality. Heck, I was even responsible for my own needs, which unfortunately I was never successful at communicating to him. Like you, I spent 20 years doing these things, most of which was unrecognizable pattern to me at the time.

It has been often said that the basic needs of women is what is referred to as "security." Am I and my family going to be ok with this guy? Provider & protector--that's who and what we need, the experts say. I didn't realize until too late that my basic needs were not being met for a very long time, if ever. I think I had the illusion of it because I believed he was that guy, but it turned out he wasn't. I think this is the bait and switch so many feel they've been through. Yes my DH is a hard worker but the things he can/likes/is good at/ don't pay enough to live on. I now believe this tore at my perspective of him over the years, eroding my ability to support his basic need to be accepted and approved of. I don't know if I knew it at the time, but either way I think I waited too long to realize I needed to find a way to bolster my respect for him, which translates into acceptance and approval for him. Our relationship deteriored way too fast to regain a foothold, especially since my needs were still unattended and the cycle snowballed until we recently parted ways. The more my needs were left lacking, the more I was incapable of supporting his, and the reciprocal is true for him. Now that Im reading my own words, it becomes clear why ADHD relationships are just so darn hard. Each party has to battle through unmet basic needs. And what's worse, the results feed off of each other, chewing up and spitting out well-intended and well-fought relationships.

This is EXCACTLY it.  My

This is EXCACTLY it.  My husband does not want to use medication because he doesn't want to rely on anything for the rest of his life.  HE barely acknowledges that the diagnosis at all.  It chews you hard and spits you out because I'm tired!  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm tired of understanding, and being told that I'm not understanding enough.  I'm tired of trying to listen, and feeling like he can barely support us and where would we be if I just broke my leg or something.  I am loosing a lot of respect for him which I can feel is deadly.  I am so alone because I don't want to spread his business to people who may not understand.  I try to protect our relationship.  But I'm getting tired.

Don't wait

I probably waited too long to see a counselor. I waited until I was out of ideas before contacting one and I think my respect for my DH as a husband (but not a human being) deteriorated long before. Don't wait until it's a crisis; see the things you already observe as a fair warning and get some help. If you go to counseling before you lose ALL your respect for him as a provider, that is one less piece you have to work hard to rebuild, one less broken piece to glue back together. My experience has shown that when respect as provider goes, the wheels fall right off, especially since my perception of my DH was a large part of his identity. Some of this is personality driven, but much can also be ascribed to ADHD. I hope you will RUN, not walk, to your phone and call a counselor while success is still within reasonable reach.