I find it interesting how some days I feel so strong in dealing with this and on others I wake up, startled and feeling so alone and confused.
The last few days have been good.....but this morning I woke up realizing they have been good because they were all about her! Not once in these days off together has she asked me what's alive in me right now. I mean, we have shared to-do lists and getting tasks done but every feeling or meaningful conversation has been around her. They have been about her ex, her son, her prescription issues, her doctor appointment, her new camera, her issues with her mom, her ADHD, her scheduled main trance ideas for the house, her recovery, etc. I know I choose to be with her knowing she brought all of this with her into this relationship. I guess I just didn't realize how all consuming it would be and that very little would get fixed so that it wasn't a constent revolving wheel of the same junk over and over and over again. It is like a rulet wheel each morning....what will be her issue(s) today. What will be important to her today? And I find it disturbing how the only way for me to connect with her is by involving myself in her issues. Being there to support her and advise her. Yes, she thankfully has gotten better at seeing how the decisions she makes affect me so that now she includes me more in making the decisions or at the very least informs me of the decisions she made. And so then I get caught up in what I term "her reality". But what about my reality. Why must I live her reality or risk not feeling connected to her. What about my fears, my holes and dreams. What about unified hopes, dreams and fears? When do we ever get to talk, share, connect around those? So often I feel she just walks her life filling it up with her vision, her view, handling her reality....creating her reality with out leaving space available for creating together.
Where is the inter-dependence. I don't have as many issues as she does. I learned how to pick and choose my battles and not to create more chaos just to fill up my life and feel alive through drama. I did this to make room for the beautiful things in life. But it is like the simplist task becomes so much about her day. Doctor appointments consume the entire day as she must get there early, connect with her doctor on a deep personal level, almost always a doctor appointment leads to some issue that then HAS to be dealt with right away, so a 1 hour appt. becomes 4 hours. Then she wasn't home to receive the package she ordered so now must rush off to chase it down......and guess what.....there goes our evening plans.....there goes me getting all my things done so that my schedule was free'd up to head into that part of town we both love so much....to look into her new tattoo, to eat at our cute little restaurant and pick up my son from his gig.....to pick him up together! She hasn't seen him in 2 months!! No....I go get him a lone AGAIN....no cute part of town, no dinner together, no evening out together. On the surface. A non-ADHD couple would say...hey, shit happens. But this happens ALL THE TIME!!! It is so much about her reality....her bouncing from thing to thing that is her life...while I ....what? Happily am the flexible one who says "it's okay honey, we can go another time"....the one who just doesn't count on anything and sees the parts of her life being less important even to the point where I see my children, friends and family never counting on anything i say because they too have learned over the past 4 years that she is not accountable and that I then will be 50/50 as to my desire and ability to be accountable. How many times am I going to have to make excuses for her??? How many times am I to see that look in someone's eye that says, "Heidi, she let you down again....is this really how you want to be treated??" Are all those parts of Her life more important then you and you are okay with that??
We are suppose to be planning our wedding! We have rings, and a date of August 31st. Nothing has been done because it isn't worth even talking to her about it because she is so busy with all the stuff she allows into her life that by the end of the day I wouldn't have her interest or attention anyways. Fully aware that she loves me and wants me as her life partner I knew I would be the one to see through and make most all the arrangements. I also new it would be difficult because she does want to have a say in how it goes and the feel of it, etc. but although she tells people "we are getting marred on August 31st, she does not seem to see that nothing (other then reserving the venue) has been planned, ordered. Decided....and it is July 23rd!! I have made some notes arranged for my daughter to say the blessing, arranged for my sons band to play the music, arranged how to incorporate her 7 year old, and mused with her over seating and ceremony logistics. She has said she wants us to write our own vows.....yet...really hasn't even said much more about that...other then...."your vows are going to be so much better then mine....mine will be short and not make sense"......wow! So looking forward to hearing those on what is suppose to be a day of covenant between us!!! But..it ain't gonna happen anyways!! She was to pick out our announcements.....this was two months ago!, and still no announcements.......oh.....but issues with her ex has received full on attention, her son's broken arm fix added on and of uber importance, her meds, her issues with her mom, the 60% off sale at the local store, her friends daughter's interest in robots....every day is wait for her to stop bringing in more and more shit....and focus or pay attention or make important something about US! Our upcoming wedding for example!, but it ain't gonna happen.........I will be going this week to cancel the venue (so we can get our deposit back) I have already informed my son not to have his band reserve that date, and have yet to tell my daughter not to begin writing the blessing. Both my children are with drawing from any sort of connection to her or any sort of excitement over anything with her. They look at me as if to say "mom! This is really what you want? This is really why you left dad and uprooted our family? They are beginning to stop relying on me and counting on me.....this is sad! So many excuses for her made!! No wedding! She wants us to wear our rings....but it feels void of any rooted commitment when we wear our rings, that she agreed she liked but I ordered and dealt with the ring sizes...she had no hand in it.....and there has been no rooted vows made over them. Just, hey our rings are here....let's wear them!! The significance is lost on her!!
Where am I in all of this? Where are my dreams, fears, and hopes? Where is my vision and what I see? Doesn't she even care to know?