I'm kind of in shock right now. Not sure what to think or do. My husband and I have always loved each other very much. That has never changed. However, there have been problems. Most of which I have received the blame for. And I'm not here to say that nothing is my fault. I came into this marriage with some issues from the past, but my husband has conveniently pointed to them in order to justify his own behavior.
I knew had had issues; that everything could not be my fault despite his wanting to believe that. I have been thinking he must be a hoarder - a behavior that has driven me crazy for many years. He doesn't really fall into that, though, in some ways. I think now that his keeping his things underfoot where he can see them and starting many projects and not finishing them, and some other things are the result of ADHD. So many things make sense now. I just never suspected that was the problem. Not sure at the moment how I could have been so blind. I have very poor self esteem, though, and he is an expert at deflecting blame off of himself.
The worst part of this whole thing is that he is not willing or able to take a look at himself, or accept responsibility for the part he plays in all of this. I have spent many years working on myself, and he is more than happy to let me do that. I have done all the worrying about everything. I have been lonely and hurt so much over the years. And, yes, I am angry.
Thank you for listening.
It took me 22 or so
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
I first started noticing the problems less than a year into dating. Things started getting really bad when the stress of really having kids hit her. I had a visiting faculty position, and she would call crying and demand that I come home right away because she could not deal with not being able to make our son stop crying. She also cried at me because my faculty salary was not enough to let her be a stay-at-home mom. (Part of the ADHD was her expectation that everything would go smoothly with kids. She was going to be Supermom. And she wanted at least 4! Even after things got really bad when our youngest was still around 3 or 4, she resented that I refused to have kid number 3. Part of this is also trying to prove herself to her narcissistic mother, who would never have been pleased by anything anyway.)
After about 18 or 19 years, I started suspecting it was BPD.
Then our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD. I started reading up on it, and it made a lot of sense.
Arabianhorselover....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yep...It's common for many of us....
The hoarding up of what I call comfort junk....The setting of her empty paper cups on the table or counter or bar instead of the garbage....Finding use's for every piece of old junk, emotionally attaching to every old article from the past (kids clothes, just anything lol)...She will pile a bag or two of old mail in the floor board around her feet when we travel on vacation....Of course when I use to frustratedly (new word;), ask what in the world for??..She say's I'm going through it while we ride...Of course she never does....(her FOMO want allow it, it's strait to face book for as many hours as we travel lol)....
The not willing to SEE himself and his behaviors is denial....In my opinion ( my spouse is the same) two things cause this...One is every human wants to feel good about ourselves....Secondly, they feel like they are lost causes, when it comes to all the work it would take to try to change themselves....
It's better you and I accept this, and not allow our lives to be destroyed trying to force change where it's not being sought.....Let's stay away from enablement and Co-dependency...That's a large enough effort for us....But doable w/ work..:)
Bless you!
C
PS, Don't be freaked out by the labeling (diagnosis)....If we look hard enough we can find a label for everyone...Just deal w/ the reality of thoughts, feelings & behaviors....That will keep it simple....
Dying Here
Submitted by arabianhorselover on
Thank you for responding. I'm just feeling like things are so hopeless. Like if given the choice between his stuff and his pride, I will lose. I'm not strong enough to fight him, but I can't go on the way I have been. I am having a hard time functioning at this point. Work is no escape, since I'm so tired of my job, and because my coworker causes me a lot of grief there. It's like I have no place to go that is pleasant. There is no family that I can turn to. Are you still in your relationship?
I'm very sorry. It sounds
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I'm very sorry. It sounds like you have no respite. Please take time to nurture yourself. If you can't find peace at home or at work, you must find it somewhere.
I do understand AHL....Yes, I'm still here:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I was in your shape (hopeless, among other things) for the first 4 years...then we spent 11 months apart...It gave me a lot of time to think about two things...One; how I didn't even recognize myself anymore...And two; what would have to take place inside me, for us to ever live together again.....In any kind of healthy way that is....
It took me six months of praying, meditating and counseling to move past my anger and bitterness....Then I had to come to the realization that she would always be like she is....And my desire for us to have a normal relationship, where both spouses are all in on the work and responsibility it takes for that to happen, just wasn't going to happen....A few reason's, severe add, if not other things, along w selfishness and the worst desire to control I've ever witnessed from anyone....But worse than all of that is denial....Any of us can have issues...BUT we can get help, and own it and help ourselves...
Are things better now?? Yes...I'm better.....She is also better....I know what to expect, and I have put down boundaries to protect myself...And her also....If two spouses can't find unity, they better find good boundaries and respect them, or there isn't much hope in my opinion...Somebody is just going to grow old angry and bitter....Or end up angry, bitter, and divorced....
You said, I'm not strong enough to fight him...You don't need to be strong...And the worst thing you can do is fight him....You need to live like he doesn't exist, when it comes to making wise decisions about yourself, and your future....(Being a respectful and loving wife, isn't about being beat down or afraid) You don't have to not be loving to your spouse to manage your own life in a wise and healthy way....
There is so many times I have to discipline myself to ignore her comments and actions because I do love her...She isn't capable of hearing, accepting, or even remembering what she says much of the time...Esp..if there are high emotions involved....A person who can speak as often as she does, completely filter-less, must be ignored at times....Especially if they are in denial and refuse to own it....
I wish you well.....The worse thing you can do is nothing...Do some things for yourself...It doesn't matter how small it is, as long as it's relaxing and intentional....Walking on your lunch break, Dark Chocolate,..Movie w/ a friend... Get your mind OFF OF HIM..LOL....It's easier to say than to do...I KNOW ...LOL...But over focusing on their chaos, and their life styles will drastically hinder your emotions, and psyche....I KNOW!..LOL....
If you want to be happy, it's up to you!...No one else...Try to get away and ride, and breathe... (based on your screen name) it does wonders for my emotions....
I will pray for you....
C
Thank You, C.........
Submitted by arabianhorselover on
You are an inspiration, and you say a lot of good things. I am trying to do things for myself. Trying to make sure I have enough love and support outside of my realtionship so that I am not so dependent on his love. That will help me to be strong enough to take care of myself.
At this point I have to do something regarding my house that makes me feel like I have some control there. Not having control over my environment for so long has made me so angry and frustrated that I can hardly breathe. For years I have hated having his junk piled in the kitchen. Stuff that doesn't belong in a kitchen. I have asked him so many times to get it out of there, and instead it just keeps getting worse. I need to give him a deadline to get the stuff out of there or I will move it myself. Just the thought of telling him that is so scary for me. I know he is going to get angry and try to make it about me and my being unreasonable. In reality, I cannot imagine any other woman putting up with what I have put up with in regards to his stuff taking over.
The only way I have found to deal w/ is being Thankful.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I wish I could post you some pictures....My side of the bedroom vs hers.....My laundry vs hers....her piles in the living room....The shop w/ all her binds (binds I purchased for self protection, and to try and help her stay half way organized w/ the hoarding)
Our spouse's live very intrusive lives....I had to push past it mentally (acceptance)....I told her not to count me in on any company if she was going to live like a Pig, because it is not who I am and it's embarrassing....Our four adult children and their spouses deal w/ it OK...They are use to it.....I must get up everyday concerned w/ my own life and actions....And live Thankful...Or I will become a miserable victim....She has many good points....She just lives in a mind that creates limitations in many area's of life....As do I, maybe not the same ones.....
C
Acceptance
Submitted by arabianhorselover on
I have been working my whole life on that "accept the things I cannot change" thing. I have such a problem with that.
How did you get your wife to even get diagnosed?
LOL...I see you do....
Submitted by c ur self on
Acceptance doesn't mean I agree...It just means I refuse to destroy my peace getting upset and pointing out what she already knows... And either refuses to address or is incapable of it...Either way I don't need her...I choose to love her, but I don't need her....
C