Just Really Frustrated.

I am the non-ADHD husband.  My wife has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  We have been married for 17 years and I have known there have been issues for a while.  I will not delve into them fully here.  But it would seem like since my wife's diagnosis she has used it like a shield to blame her bad behavior on.  So, in short, she seems to have advocated all personal responsibility for her actions.  If she know's the difference between right and wrong, why does she continue to do wrong?  If she knows she has ADHD, why does she not stop herself in an argument and say "I have ADHD, maybe I am the problem?"  She says now things will be different because she has a diagnosis.  I can't believe that.  I do know, that she does love me, but just because she loves me, is that enough?  I have dumped hundreds of thousands of dollars, years and tons of emotions in our relationship and after 17 years of marriage, my new reality has become it is just easier not to deal with her.  I am conflicted because the vows did call for "in sickness and in health," but I am not sure I could ever be happy with her....diagnosis or no...I have given more than I will ever receive and have grown very resentful.  All that is keeping me here in the relationship is duty at this point.  Being a Soldier, I find that I am predisposed to do my duty, but this pack is getting too heavy to continue carrying....

It would be nice to have a partner that I could be comfortable to be around and take comfort in.  

Sorry, just frustrated and venting.  

takes time no matter what

You said "just recently" diagnosed... I've read from other (very astute and articulate) folks with ADD who have indicated that it takes a while, and is a hopefully continuous process, to adjust to the diagnosis, accept it, grieve it, accept it again, learn new strategies, learn them again... I don't mean to sound flip when I say your wife may be in a "phase" that will lessen over time, and that you may be in a "phase" too..... So many people seemed to have discovered that by time their spouse "get's it" it is too little, too late.  So just understand that you are BOTH actively reacting to and adjusting to this new knowledge.... and while the growth can be toward something positive, it will be filled with growing pains.  Diagnosed is better than not-diagnosed.  Trust me.  Knowledge is better than not.  best wishes.

30 years...

I have been living with this for 30 years.  I'm exhausted.  My son is just as bad as my husband.  My daughter (although not ADHD) is spoiled rotten and runs to her dad for everything because he has no boundaries and will give her what she wants.  I am pretty much always the bad guy.  I spend every evening at the gym to de-stress and stay away from the house.  If I had enough money I think I would leave, but at this point I am so emotionally closed down that I don't think I am capable of another relationship.  How do you ever TRUST after living this way for so long?  I don't want to be a downer for you, but in lot's of situations, things never change.