I'm spending the holidays with my ADHD BiPolar II diagnosed, and medically treated boyfriend. We've been together for 2 years. I think he's a confused genius and he's hilarious and lovely to be around. When he's engaged and all there. As i've learned from reading around, the hyper-focus ends, and i actually found that to be somewhat of a relief, but we've moved in together as of a couple months ago, and I have to say, it's been one of the hardest things i've ever done. I've been in other long term relationships, and i've *never* had the difficulties i am having in this one. I have never felt more on the verge of just ending it than i do right now. & yet I stay, and what that says about me, who knows. Although I am ok with the hyper-focus stopping, i'm NOT ok with him ignoring me, treating my opinions/needs like they don't matter, etc.
I'm starting to think maybe i'm crazy??? I'm fully ready to accept that maybe i've just lost my perspective, so if i have, someone please tell me.
I feel ignored. belittled. bad about myself from some shockingly awful hurtful things he's said. (& why do i tell myself that for some reason i don't think he means them maliciously, they seem to be blurted out pretty innocently, like he doesn't realize how utterly awful it is to tell your girlfriend that say, ''man, that ex girlfriend of mine had a perfect body. She had the best -insert body part here-" ) Why am i making excuses? That's an awful thing to say, and i told him so. He got mad at me. 'I can't be honest with you' 'I used to be able to be open with you'. It's infuriating.
He'll get into these kicks. Right now it's basketball. He will play every single night for weeks. When i say, hey, i'm getting lonely, can we spend time together. I'm at fault for trying to control him. ohhhkay. Then when i tell him i'm starting to feel ignored and awful, he'll blow up that i'm criticizing him constantly. I try to explain, calmly (i'm usually calm, but i do respond to his anger with anger sometimes, which i know isn't good), that I'm not criticizing him, i'm telling him how i'm feeling and hoping we can fix it. Doesn't matter how articulately, calmly, or lovingly i try to address our issues, he perpetually gets furious. I can't talk to him.
I feel so sad. And alone. & i'm losing hope. 2 years in, help? Is there a magic word that works like an encryption key and suddenly everything i say will make sense to him, or him to me? I want to fix this, but i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and all i know is i don't want to feel like this anymore.
Before anyone asks why i stay, i stay because i've never laughed harder than I do when i'm with him, i never feel more cared for when he's actually caring for me, i've never felt such intimacy as when he's present. He's insightful, witty, handsome and charming as well. Even with all of that, i'm still asking MYSELF why i'm staying.
AM i kidding myself to think I can have the following:
HIM; A loving and kind relationship where he takes my needs and feelings into account; A PARTNER??; Someone that has my back, just like i have theirs??
Sleepless in Amsterdam =(
My marriage is very similar
Submitted by mtwnmisses on
My marriage is very similar to your relationship. We have been married for five years now. I've been contemplating divorce for almost a year now. The only reason I stay is because like you said, he loves me, makes me smile, is fun to be around, and is a true companion. However, my life has been at a total standstill for five years now. We have not progressed in any aspect of our life. Emotionally, physically, or financially. I already had a child from a previous relationship and then we had a daughter of our own. That has been the extent of anything new happening in our marriage besides the negatives: acruing about $50,000 debt. Numerous legal arrests and convictions, he's always had a suspended drivers license, has had 5 jobs in 5 years, will not commit to anything or follow thru with it when he does.
The communication is the worst. Most often he takes my words and twists them into meaning something entirely different from what I actually said. Or will blatantly ignore any of my hurt feelings and my attempts to talk about it and turn the blame around on me. His favorite to use is comparing himself and our marriage to every other person in the world. You know.. Since i can give you probably 10,000 examples of different people and their different lifestyles. Thats how many examples he has to use to justify his actions. It gets to be very tiring.
I've been suffering from depression for two years, since the birth of our daughter. I've seen numerous specialty doctors for treatment along with endless hours of therapy and counseling. The truth is, when he isnt in my presence, I feel great. Like nothing is clouding my mind or my judgement. Like I only have two kids to care for instead of three. But, I still miss him when hes away. Then he comes home and I find myself taking my emergency anxiety medication because he stresses me all the way out. Between his endless lies, losing or spending money when we can't afford it, following behind him cleaning up every bit of his mess that he refuses to accept responsibilty for, endelssly searching for our car keys or his wallet with his whole paycheck in. I do everything for our family. I drive everybody everywhere in our crappy car thats about to fall apart, because remember - he has no license and we are so in debt that no one in their right mind will give us a car loan. I do the grocery shopping and cook, clean, bathe the kids, remind him to fill out his timesheet so we wont be broke, do all of everyones laundry, schedule and remember all the doctor appointment, all of the bills, when they are due and what needs to be paid, the list goes on and on. And he is just kinda... There.
Im only 25 years old. I know we rushed into our marriage and I'm fully aware of the reprocussions of the decsion that was half mine. I love him and I don't think he's a bad man, or a bad father. Even though I have my days.. Like when I have to call him from work to remind him to feed the kids (he seems to think that they can live off of his diet of chips for breakfast and candy for lunch)
I'm constantly trying to come up with solutions to help make our life a little easier. I try mulitple times to talk to him about the effects that his behavior has on us as a family, but 9 times out of 10 he takes defense to it and gets angry and shuts down. It's the tenth time that he really listens and takes consideration of it, promises he's going to try his hardest to make it better and forgets about the whole thing within a day or two.
The worst part of it I feel, is that he refuses to accept that he even has Adhd. He thinks (along with my anxiety and depression) that these mental disorders are man made up diseases that recently came to light just so doctors have a purpose and can make money off of prescribing unneeded medication to people. He states that humans have been here for thousands of years and medicine has just now been introduced - this is just "the way he is" and hes fine with it, medication is completely unnecessary for him, he believes. I think that this all comes from the fact that his mother noticed this long before he became an adult and put him on medication. His step father whom he grew up with and was raised by (who ultimately believes the same exact things regarding medication and mental illness) made his mother take him off the medication claiming he just "wasn't himself". So treatment is not an option.
I daydream about life by myself. How much I would really be able to do, money to save, not having the burden of what feels like another child on my shoulders. I also want to feel that partnership from him. Like we are in this together and he can be responsible with life and not lean on me with everything and anything. I'm mentally exhausted.
heartbroken
Submitted by HesitantLA on
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and so much of it resonates with me. I can't even BEGIN to imagine a life where he doesn't admin he has ADHD and isn't medicated. There have been days he forgets his meds and he's miserable, if you could find some way for him to admit his issue and get on meds, i think he'd be so much happier in life. I've experienced their roundabout logic making sense out of nothing at all (is that a Heart song =D) and again, the BLAME they throw our way.
It also really resonates that i fully believe that my significant other and your husband aren't bad men at all, in fact are wonderful, intelligent, funny, caring when they're tuned in. It just becomes exhausting perpetually having to be the one to remind, figure out ways to engage them and keep their attention etc.
In my case, i couldn't take being treated incidentally one more day. I very kindly and sadly and with much love, told him 2 days ago that when we get back to LA, I would be moving out and we need some time apart. I told him that though I love him, i don't know that we have what it takes to be in a relationship together. I told him that this past year i have felt so beat down with his comments about my physical appearance, his lack of attention to our relationship at even a basic level (knew it was our anniversary and i received nothing), that i'm so tired of worrying about how he'll spend 20k on marijuana a year, but doesn't seem to have enough money to go out to dinner or pay his cable bill, and that it was time. I told him this was about me too. That I felt like my self esteem has suffered greatly with his addictions (MJ, Pornography to name 2) that i didn't have what it took to withstand that level of ignoring combined with both of those things, and that it worried me that I was allowing myself to feel so degraded and belittled. That's MY fault for sticking around, and i wasn't willing to feel that way anymore.
His reaction was, for the FIRST time in our entire relationship i feel, proportionate to the situation. He looked devastated and said he wanted to work on it, and he was committed to making it work. I told him it's too late at this point, that too much damage had been done. After a day of crying and talking and connecting, i told him i'd sit and talk to him if he could keep calm and actually hear what i'm saying, and NOT take it as an attack on him.
I told him how i felt. How i've felt degraded. How i've felt so low, how it feels to go out to dinner with him, how it feels when he catcalls a woman in my presence. How it feels to be looked over for sex for pornography CONSTANTLY. How it feels for him to perpetually compare and criticize me to porn stars. how it feels when he does nothing for our anniversary. How it feels when he makes decisions without taking me into account at all. How i want to plan a future, but don't want to be the parent in this relationship. How it feels when i come home and he's going over his ex girlfriends pictures. Or to be compared physically to them. For everything to be my fault when we argue. For him to take my hurt and turn it into his martyrdom.
IN other words i didn't shut up for one minute, just laid it out. & he... seemed to hear me. I have no idea where this will go. stay tuned. I hope you can find peace, and your situation is so much more complicated than mine is, and i THANK YOU for replying. I was feeling so lonely and low about all of this.
Run
Submitted by Jamk4ever on
Run, as fast as you can. You really are dodging a bullet. I was married to a bipolar man and our counselor told us that divorce rates are in the 90's!!!!!!! But bipolar and ADD!! If he weren't in complete denial I would say that your chances would go up a little. Remember, ADD in relationships only gets worse if behavioral denial doesn't change! You're in for a whole lot of hurt! Look for a heart of gold who longs to be near you. Who cares how funny and charming he is if you only get to enjoy those traits a few times a month. Sounds like your in for a very lonely life if you choose this one.
Flash forward a couple months
Submitted by HesitantLA on
Flash forward a couple months and i'm leaning more towards it. I feel awful, like i've failed him or something, but i feel lonely. I try not to take it personally, but i can't perpetually be at the bottom of his endless list of interests, and moreover, i can't feel like he doesn't give a shit about how i feel. I've never experienced such highs in a relationship, and such deep lows. It's so hard to deal with.
I know tired
Submitted by Jamk4ever on
I hear you!! I really do! My current marriage is going on ten years. My husband is so wonderful when he's all here, but the lack of understanding for my feelings, inability to prioritize me and my needs near the top of his list, walking on egg shells has left me utterly hopeless and oh sooooo lonely. It only gets worse in marriage with children! You're constantly the mommy!! Not the lover and partner. You do all the house work, pay all the bills, clean up all his messes, financially and in every other way you can think of. I have to say, my husband is on meds but is in complete denial about the fact that he needs to work everyday on changing the negative habits that create cyclical crisis in our marriage. It seems although ADD doesn't ever go away, couples can be happy if the denial is in check. It sounds like your so lonely and sad. I'm so sorry. No relationship is perfect but I truly believe it's not supposed to be this hard. He is abusing you emotionally!! Please know what you deserve!!! It's the only way you'll ever get it! I believe in a higher power and I know that higher power doesn't want us to be trampled on or abused! You deserve to be adored!
Good reading
Submitted by Jamk4ever on
I read a book that changed my life,"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship". By Patricia Evans. You can get it cheap on amazon. It taught me that unhealthy people will try to make you seem crazy rather than having to change anything themselves. It taught me how to recognize this kind of abuse, because it can be very confusing to decipher with those we love. And it taught me how to stop the craziness. I can't change his behavior but I can stop the amount I'm exposed to it. Also, Brene Brown, author and PHD, has taught me what kind of relationships to look for in my life. She has a bunch of stuff on you tube. Please do me a favor, look up empathy versus sympathy on you tube. It's only 2-3 minutes. Let me know what you think.
Crazy isn't the problem....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm starting to think maybe i'm crazy??? No your not; you are just looking for something that doesn't exist with this guy...Trying to force your interdependent (sharing) desire for a relationship on to a self-absorbed mind is your problem...
"Living a life of illusion is when we refuse to accept reality because our neediness want let us stop wishing things were different"....c
C
Existence of needs isn't either.
Submitted by HesitantLA on
But what does that really mean? Letting your partner know you have needs as well isn't the same thing as forcing it on them. Anyone in a relationship has to be able to take the other person into account and factor them into their life in a real way, or don't be in a relationship.
& on the contrary, i was quite ready to jump ship when it seemed like we couldn't come terms on a fulfilling relationship for both of us.
Good Morning....HesitantLA....
Submitted by c ur self on
(But what does that really mean?)
(Anyone in a relationship has to be able to take the other person into account and factor them into their life in a real way, or don't be in a relationship.)
You followed up your question with a statement that isn't correct....No they don't.....No, there are many people who are in relationships and marriage covenants that will not, or, are completely unable to consider there partner in any real way or any consistent basis....
So if you go back and read my post with this in mind it will become more clear to you....
Everyday that I climb out of bed, if I let my desire for this "real way engaging" you mention here over come what I know to be the reality that I experience daily...Then I fall victim to an Illusion....But, if I guard my heart from resentment, pray off the loneliness, and count all my blessings, I can go have a wonderful day regardless of the actions of others!
Blessings Friend....
C
Hi Hesitant and others.. Hang in there I
Submitted by fempartner on
Hi Hesitant. Hang in there. I have been in the same kind of relationship as you described. When it ended i developed ptsd, from realizing how selfish and manipulating he had been (even though not allways calculating a plan, but manipulating 'in the moment'), even though he also was very sweet and loving towards me sometimes. But it was not a real love that came from a real openess. It was more about narcissistic needs. Eve though he wished a relationship. But real closeness is to frightening for them, its like they have ptsd from relationship with mother so they cant connect. It took me a while to figure out why I was not leaving before (it lasted 1,5 years) even though I am usually a strong woman. And I have read a lot about it. It is because we suffer from extreme stress and confusion and lack of confidence, because of the devaluation and change that is coming. So because were in such stress (the amygdala is activated) we point our senses towards our surroundings, not ourselves. It is a normal survival mechanism . And we cant feel our feelings so much because of it. We know, but we cant act. Because it is the 'gut feeling' and our feelings that guide our actions and they are not working so well when we are in stress. So the best you can do is to get away from it. Then you will begin to see all the crazyness and feel yourself again. Ps. Bipolar-symptoms can also come from severe attachment disorder, so your husband might have that. And bipolar and narcissism together is very common. Best to you. and good luck!