I'm spending the holidays with my ADHD BiPolar II diagnosed, and medically treated boyfriend. We've been together for 2 years. I think he's a confused genius and he's hilarious and lovely to be around. When he's engaged and all there. As i've learned from reading around, the hyper-focus ends, and i actually found that to be somewhat of a relief, but we've moved in together as of a couple months ago, and I have to say, it's been one of the hardest things i've ever done. I've been in other long term relationships, and i've *never* had the difficulties i am having in this one. I have never felt more on the verge of just ending it than i do right now. & yet I stay, and what that says about me, who knows. Although I am ok with the hyper-focus stopping, i'm NOT ok with him ignoring me, treating my opinions/needs like they don't matter, etc.
I'm starting to think maybe i'm crazy??? I'm fully ready to accept that maybe i've just lost my perspective, so if i have, someone please tell me.
I feel ignored. belittled. bad about myself from some shockingly awful hurtful things he's said. (& why do i tell myself that for some reason i don't think he means them maliciously, they seem to be blurted out pretty innocently, like he doesn't realize how utterly awful it is to tell your girlfriend that say, ''man, that ex girlfriend of mine had a perfect body. She had the best -insert body part here-" ) Why am i making excuses? That's an awful thing to say, and i told him so. He got mad at me. 'I can't be honest with you' 'I used to be able to be open with you'. It's infuriating.
He'll get into these kicks. Right now it's basketball. He will play every single night for weeks. When i say, hey, i'm getting lonely, can we spend time together. I'm at fault for trying to control him. ohhhkay. Then when i tell him i'm starting to feel ignored and awful, he'll blow up that i'm criticizing him constantly. I try to explain, calmly (i'm usually calm, but i do respond to his anger with anger sometimes, which i know isn't good), that I'm not criticizing him, i'm telling him how i'm feeling and hoping we can fix it. Doesn't matter how articulately, calmly, or lovingly i try to address our issues, he perpetually gets furious. I can't talk to him.
I feel so sad. And alone. & i'm losing hope. 2 years in, help? Is there a magic word that works like an encryption key and suddenly everything i say will make sense to him, or him to me? I want to fix this, but i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and all i know is i don't want to feel like this anymore.
Before anyone asks why i stay, i stay because i've never laughed harder than I do when i'm with him, i never feel more cared for when he's actually caring for me, i've never felt such intimacy as when he's present. He's insightful, witty, handsome and charming as well. Even with all of that, i'm still asking MYSELF why i'm staying.
AM i kidding myself to think I can have the following:
HIM; A loving and kind relationship where he takes my needs and feelings into account; A PARTNER??; Someone that has my back, just like i have theirs??
Sleepless in Amsterdam =(