We went to New Zealand to visit my best friend for 2 weeks and got back two days ago. I had my fears about this trip knowing how H can get irritated very easily and doesn't like doing a lot of things or being around a lot of people. Seeing as how it was my best friend and her husband I felt he would keep everything under control, but I was wrong. Everything was great from the Tuesday we got there through that Saturday. Saturday we had his 50th birthday party, which he loved. He had asked the guy who we were staying with if we could go back to the beach to try surfing again and he said sure and sent out a message to some other guys that Saturday that we'd head to the beach on Sunday. Well, H gets up Sunday morning and is tired and goes back to bed about 10AM and I join him for a bit. My friend knocks on the door at noon and says we're leaving in an hour. This is apparently news to H who rolls his eyes because he just wants to sleep. He's all grumpy and pissy in the car, but when he sees the beach he is okay again. He then gets his second wind when we get home and is all loud and happy and popping open beers and when we get tired and want to go to bed he can't understand why we don't want to stay up. Monday we fly to Queenstown. H is all happy even with having to get up early. The flight is fine, he's happy in the airport, happy in the rental car, happy when we get to our Air BnB, happy when we start walking down to the center of town which is only 2 blocks away. But within 15 minutes he is getting crabby telling me that his neck hurts. He starts getting snippy with me and my friend and says he needs to go to the pharmacy to get some pain killers. Is rude to the person behind the counter. We start walking again and he says the place is way too touristy. We get something to eat and he takes his pain killers and he's fine again for about an hour. We start driving around the outside of town up a mountain to get a view. H is clearly pissed off because of whatever pain he's got. I finally say that we need to get him back because he isn't feeling well. We stop at a grocery store first which I know is going to piss him off but they want to get some food for later. He follows me around the store because I am walking straight to the beer cooler because I know he'll want some. He hasn't said a word to me and I say "What beer do you want?" and he snaps back "All I want to do is go back and lay down. I'm feeling nauseous". I say "Here's that beer you've been drinking" and he goes "I don't even like that beer. It all tastes like shit here". Then after a few minutes he goes back to that same beer and gets all irritated "Well since they don't have a 12 pack I guess I'll have to get two 6 packs". You JUST said you didn't like that beer but now you want a 12 pack of it?? We get him back and he tries to be all lovey with me saying to go out with them and have a good time.
So we go out and are gone for nearly 4 hours. All I can think is he's either going to be sleeping when we get back or he's going to be totally pissed we were gone that long. On top of that he told me to leave the card so he could walk down and get groceries and cook dinner. Well we could have got them at the store when we were there but you were so flipping angry that I didn't even dare ask. I thought for sure he wouldn't get groceries and my friend said to just grab some Indian food to bring back but I said no, that he was going to cook dinner and I figured he'd probably be pissed if we brought back food when he said he was going to cook but yet not knowing if he was even going to go to the store in the first place so I'm all nervous about what we'll find. We walk in and he seems to be all chipper again. My friend asks how he feels and he says "Great". Then I say "Well that's good" which was apparently the absolutely wrong thing to say. He looks at me and goes "Wow, if that isn't sarcastic I don't know what is. Could you be more passive aggressive?". I simply said those three words and he blew up! I am on the verge of tears and he starts saying to my friend "See that look on her face. All I want to see is a smiling face when I feel like crap and I get that". I go into the bathroom and try to keep the tears from falling. I then come out and try to make up for something I didn't even do other than say I'm glad he feels better and try to give him a kiss and he pulls away and says "Your breath stinks, go brush your teeth." I brush my teeth and come out and give him a kiss again and he turns his head. Then he's sweet to the other couple but extremely rude to me for the rest of the night and next morning. We opted to stay in that night because we were tired even though H suggested going out. He doesn't touch me at all in bed and wakes up at 3AM and starts reading and I'm awake too because bar time is apparently 4AM and we can hear music thumping. He says to me "We could have been out having a good time tonight but nobody wanted to go out so instead we sat in and went to bed early. It's a shame we aren't taking advantage of this". Hey we were out for 4 hours while your pissy self was back at the room sleeping because you felt shitty. Plus, you bitched earlier in the day that the place had too many people and was too touristy and now you're saying you're upset because we didn't go out!
The next morning we go for breakfast and sit in one of those curved booths but he sits on the opposite side of me rather than next to me. He says to me when I can't finish my breakfast "What, you aren't eating everything. You always finish your food. You like to eat". Shut the fuck up! Then we take this gondola ride up a mountain and take a luge down. Huge mood shift once we are on that and he's all lovey with me again because we are doing something he wants to do. He's fine the rest of the afternoon. Our friends went on a lake cruise but we stayed in town and went to the bars because he would have been pissed off taking a cruise. We meet them at the boat dock at 4:30 when they are done and go have a drink. He's in a great mood. We then walk over to another area and he wants to go play pool and have something to eat at the pool hall. My friend goes "It's a little early to play pool, isn't it?" She then wants to go next door and grab some apps. We go over there for no more than 45 minutes and H is bitching to me that it's like Red Robin with kids playing on the floor and loud people. We then go next door to the pool hall and get a table and some drinks. He's still bitching to me at the bar saying "We could have been here for the past hour doing adult stuff and having fun but instead had to sit in that ridiculous restaurant". He's like literally angry for the first 15 minutes we're there because the other couple didn't look like they were having fun! Then he lightened up and was fine. We went back to the room about 10:30 and he was a bit miffed that we were already calling it a night but got over that.
Wednesday we flew back to Auckland and he was irritable at the airport but was fine on the car ride back home and got all amped again by the time we got home and was in a good mood. Thursday the shit hit the fan again. He was tired and just wanted to stay home that day. Our friends kept insisting that they wanted to take us into the city but I knew he didn't want to so I said we'd just stay home. He was up in the room reading about 10AM and then came back down and was talking to my friend very loudly while her husband was on the phone. Her husband lost it and said "Hey I'm on the fucking phone" and walked into the other room. H took that very personally and went back upstairs and slammed the door. I go up and see how he's doing and he goes "Now I know why he wanted to take us into the city, he wants us gone permanently. Well that's fine. I'd leave right now, but my clothes are in the washer". Jesus! You were talking loud, you always talk loud, and he was upset about it, but I'm glad you turned that into he wants us to leave and never come back! He says to me "I'm hungry but I'm not going ot go down and make anything now. I'm going to walk over to McDonalds and get that cheeseburger that I've been wanting". So I go with him. He doesn't say a word to anyone when we leave and I'm nearly in tears again wondering how this is going to end. We start walking and he's an ass to me but quickly starts being nice and saying how I think we're overstaying our welcome and how we need to stay out of their hair for a few hours. He seems fine when we get back and talks to both of them, but then starts getting irritated again because of his neck and even when a guest comes over for a bit he only stays down there for 10 minutes before disappearing to the bedroom. They leave and my friend and I walk over to the mall. The whole time I"m thinking that he's going to be pissed we went without him or something. However he gets up just as we are walking through the door back home. Once again he is in a good mood. Everything is roses. The husband says we can head over to a brewery for dinner and H is all "Sounds great. Is it low key?" and the guy says it is and H gets all happy again. He's in a good mood all night and we hit a couple of other bars and he's in a good mood.
Friday they still want to take us to the city and H rolls his eyes because he doesn't want to go and I tell him that it's our last day and lets just do this without issue. He is pointing out stuff to us and H is rolling his eyes at me and is getting tired of getting in and out of the car to look at stuff. He is getting hungry so he is getting agitated and mentions how he wants a cheeseburger from McDonald's, but he never got one the day before because he couldn't fine the McDonald's on our walk. The guy says there's one up ahead but parks far from it. We end up going to this pizza place because that's what my friend wanted and H is all pissed because we're having pizza when he wanted McDonald's. That night we go to their friends' place for dinner and he seems pissy for a while but then loosens up. We get home and go to bed and get up early for the airport the next day. Nope, he's still not done being pissed. He just wanted my friend to drop us off but she came in with us and showed us where to go. He's getting all upset because she's trying to figure out what line for us to go in and he just walks ahead of her and goes the wrong way which pisses him off even more. He's still upset about having to listen to the pop station on the radio the whole time too and is about to tear his hair out from that. She comes upstairs with us and has coffee with us while we wait. H seems to finally calm down. The plane ride was fine until about the last hour and H started complaining of everything hurting again and feeling grubby and being tired. Hey guess what? Everyone else on this plane feels the same way. I don't know why you think you are the only one! He's irritated while waiting for our bags, irritated waiting for our passport check, irritated driving home. Finally we get home and after him sighing and moaning several times, he calms down and is happy again.
And that is why I never want to take a long vacation with him ever again! Especially not with people I know! And we get home and I tell him about how he had so many mood changes and he totally downplays it and says "I had a blast. The only time I got a little irritated was when the guy told me he was on the fucking phone and then again when my neck hurt in Queenstown". A LITTLE irritated??!!" He doesn't see him getting downright pissed off then and all those other times.
They have their own distorted self-awareness filter
Submitted by adhd32 on
We took two road trips when our family was young and the kids were young teens. The first time we drove from our home and stopped at sights along the way, the second time in order to be closer to our intended sights we flew to a location and rented a van and did a sight seeing loop. Each trip consisted of 15-19 days. I researched things to do and see, planned the itinerary, figured mileage from stop to stop, and booked nightly reservations. He was so hell-bent on going because he did some cross-country trips with his family as a young kid and I think he thought he would be reliving his youth. He chose not to have any input and did zero research before we left so he had no idea about the details other than a hasty overview before we left home. After being on the road all day we would arrive somewhere and he would carry on about getting dinner or what activity we had planned. When he wanted to go off script he would expect me to know the answers and would get angry because I didn't have answers. This was my first time in any of these places how could I possibly know where a gas station is, or that the county is dry, or restaurants are closed on Sunday? This was all pre-smart phone, most things were researched and arranged at home prior to leaving. He never suggested alternatives to the itinerary except at the last second when alterations to the plans were not possible and then he blamed me for not doing what he wanted. His behavior was similar to your spouses, either hot or cold, on or off, elated or grumpy, and his mood changed on a dime. I think he felt confined by everyone else's needs and desires and couldn't have the free-wheeling experience he had planned in his head. Surprisingly though, when talking about these trips now he will tell you they were some of the best vacations he ever had!
After the kids were in college we decided to go to Italy. He chose the tour since I refused to plan a trip or sit in a car driven by him in a foreign country for 2 weeks. He was all in. We weren't in Italy more than 15 minutes before the irritated proclamations began. The ATMs at the airport didn't work so right away his prediction was there was a problem with the debit cards and since it was Sunday what will we do for $$. He went on and on and ruined my first impression of Italy and killed all the excitement I had for this trip of a lifetime. I went and spoke with the tour personnel waiting to transfer us to our hotel and was advised that the machines are probably empty and to use the ATM at the bank around the corner from the hotel. No problem with the cards as Mr. doom and gloom predicted. He lightened up as time went on. Near the end of the trip I had a serendipitous encounter with a staff member in a hotel in Sicily who pointed us to the small town of H's family origin. He was on cloud 9 for the rest of the trip until we arrived at JFK. We had to wait 2 hours to get through customs, how dare he have to wait. I guess they didn't get the memo that he was arriving. :)
Building off the general glow of Italy, we booked a 15 day western European tour 2 years later (he was ok with tours now). I was able to arrange a 3 day Iceland stopover, which was one of his bucket list items, prior to the beginning of our European tour. All went as arranged and he was positive and upbeat until 2 or 3 days into the tour. Then up and down and unpredictable. I ended up getting sick about day 8 and felt unable to visit a museum as we had discussed but told him to go alone. He started screaming at me in the middle of city in front of some of our tour group. I ended up sitting in tears while we ate lunch at a cafe, so upset by his complete lack of empathy. He did not apologize, in fact, the next day he dragged his feet getting ready and we missed a side trip we paid extra for and lost the money. I told him he did it on purpose, he claimed I told him the wrong time and didn't rush because he thought he had more time. His game playing continued until the end of the trip was on the radar. He perked up on the last few days and acted like Mr Personality. Oh, and no thanks from him for arranging the Iceland stopover or any of the other extra things I was able to arrange to augment our trip. He tells everyone it was a great trip!!??
Once again the travel bug visits last winter. Debate, after debate we settle on Scandinavia. After I put down the deposit AND buy airline tickets at a great price he tells me he isn't so hot on going. I would rather not go alone and I don't want to go with him if he will be a reluctant traveler so I cancelled the trip. We lost the deposit and part of the airline tickets and had to use up the remaining credit within a short window of time. We ended up going away but it wasn't much of a consolation for me. I will not book a long overseas trip with him ever again. Why spend a bundle to go thousands of miles away when I can be miserable at home? I plan to travel with my grown daughter in the future, she always sees the bright side.
I truly feel your pain! My H
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I truly feel your pain! My H doesn't want anything to do with the planning either. He’ll say over and over again that we should take a trip but will NEVER go ahead and make any plans, so we don’t go. I’m the one who has to suggest it, then do all the research on the best prices, book the plane tickets, book the place to stay, figure out things to do. If I ask him too many questions like “What time do you want to fly out?” “What part of the city do you want to stay?” “How much should we pay for a hotel?” “What sites do you want to see?”, etc. he just gets super irritated and tells me to figure it out. Doesn’t give a damn about anything until we’re two minutes from getting there and then asks all these questions like “How do we get to the hotel?”, “Where are we staying?” and when I tell him I have no idea how to get there he gets super pissed like I should have it all figured out. Or he’ll wonder why I picked that hotel when it’s so far from things. He has no problem complaining about things but doesn’t want anything to do with the planning. He kept asking me in the airport (that I’ve never been too) where we had to go and when I hesitated because I didn’t know, he’d get irritated and just stat walking to the area he thought we needed to go to but it was wrong and me telling him he’s wrong just gets him more exasperated. On our way out of the airport coming home, he walked right by all the luggage carousels because he didn’t see our flight number up on the screen and was almost out the exit doors before I stopped him! Then when I told him to look at the different carousels for our flight number he got irritated. I’m sorry you are tired and crabby from the 14 hour plane ride, but me and everyone else on that plane are feeling the same way! I don’t know why you think you are a special flower who is the only one with the issues!