Just trying to survive

Well, I'm back again.  It seems every 1-2 years things get so bad in our marriage, I have nowhere to go but here.  Then things eventually improve and I feel less of the need to check in... but I always end up back here.  It's the vicious cycle that I'm sure everyone can relate to.  (I'm non-ADHD, husband ADHD.)

The last couple years have been very rough since H decided to stop all treatment.  The last couple months have been terrible and the last couple weeks have been downright miserable.  I don't want to be around him, and when I am all we do is fight.  He is so dismissive, rude, short, abrasive, etc with me.  I tell him it's not ok how he's treating me and he flips.  He's also wonderful to everyone else, so of course I'm the one who's nuts and over-reacts.  

I know I'm not perfect...not even close.  I tend to be reactionary.  Because of this, I have to force myself to shut down.  The only way I can get through the day is to go numb.  This makes for an incredibly miserable existence.

I'm so sick of his grandiose promises that are all lies.  I'm sick of the way he treats me.  But the reality remains I'll probably never actually leave.  I want to.  Oh do I want to.  But there are several reasons I stay that I don't need to get into right now.  

I just don't know what to do.  I am beyond miserable, have 0 support system, and have not found anything that actually helps me.  Going numb is all I'm able to do and all it does is add to my misery.  

I don't even know what I want from posting this.... advice, an understanding ear, whatever I can get!  Thanks for listening.