Well, I'm back again. It seems every 1-2 years things get so bad in our marriage, I have nowhere to go but here. Then things eventually improve and I feel less of the need to check in... but I always end up back here. It's the vicious cycle that I'm sure everyone can relate to. (I'm non-ADHD, husband ADHD.)
The last couple years have been very rough since H decided to stop all treatment. The last couple months have been terrible and the last couple weeks have been downright miserable. I don't want to be around him, and when I am all we do is fight. He is so dismissive, rude, short, abrasive, etc with me. I tell him it's not ok how he's treating me and he flips. He's also wonderful to everyone else, so of course I'm the one who's nuts and over-reacts.
I know I'm not perfect...not even close. I tend to be reactionary. Because of this, I have to force myself to shut down. The only way I can get through the day is to go numb. This makes for an incredibly miserable existence.
I'm so sick of his grandiose promises that are all lies. I'm sick of the way he treats me. But the reality remains I'll probably never actually leave. I want to. Oh do I want to. But there are several reasons I stay that I don't need to get into right now.
I just don't know what to do. I am beyond miserable, have 0 support system, and have not found anything that actually helps me. Going numb is all I'm able to do and all it does is add to my misery.
I don't even know what I want from posting this.... advice, an understanding ear, whatever I can get! Thanks for listening.
Keep believe in you and in your marriage
Submitted by kalakchen101 on
Hi,
I can relate to your situation as my parents had and still have a very chaotic, bumpy and to a certain extent toxic marriage relationship, they have been married for nearly 40 years and to this day my dad is undiagnosed. My mom is too often unhappy, feel miserable and trapped. I have add myself thanks to gene inheritance and from my past failed relationship I can also see how tough it is for the non-ADHD partner to understand what's happening and how to react. If not already the case the best help I would suggest is for you and your husband to go ADHD counseling session, so you can talk without having a quick escalation into a vicious argument, communication is key, 100 times more important in ADHD non ADHD couple. The other suggestion is for your husband to find medication alternative, nootropics, diet, natural supplement, also yoga, meditation, sports, find an activity that you both could do, enjoy to get a together bonding time can be beneficial. I hope that my small contribution will help you in some ways. Courage and keep shining.
Thank you
Submitted by Moondust on
Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it.
My MIL very obviously has ADHD, undiagnosed, and leaves a path of destruction around her everywhere she goes. It is absolutely genetic.
The more "natural" approach has worked incredibly well for him in the past, but he simply doesn't want to put the effort into going to the gym, or not eating junk food every day, etc. I do think I need to find something we can do together, that is a very good suggestion. At the moment it needs to be something we don't talk during, though!
Because there is
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
...nothing you can do to change him, you need to seek counseling for yourself, before you lose your mind. Couples counseling may or may not be a good idea. It may not be a good idea if he is in denial and blames you for everything. Communication IS key, but you cannot force someone to communicate in a calm and reasonable manner. Communication also involves listening for both parties, and the only person you can control is you. Shutting down is something I did to survive my 17 year abusive marriage and it is no way to live. I neglected myself and felt miserable. I ended up looking just as bad as I felt.
***I have to add this....
Boundaries. Don't tell him its not OK for him to act/say things that are disrespectful. Show him by not engaging. Act like he isn't there and walk away. You can't fight if you aren't in the same room.
Thank you
Submitted by Moondust on
Yes, we have gone to couple's therapy numerous times. This is typically when things improve. I have also gone to individual therapy. I went for a year and a half straight and stopped about 3 months ago. Think it's time to go back again. The last time we did couple's therapy H just sat there. It was a complete waste of time and money, so after 3 sessions I didn't schedule the next appointment. He agreed last week that he was not willing to do couple's therapy again at this time. Which is not surprising to me, given his state.
Part of me going numb is ignoring his words/actions. Leaving the room, etc, has been my way of life for so long. His abrasive behavior has reached new levels these last couple weeks and I refuse to be ok with it, so say something, which inevitably escalates the situation. But it's not worth it, because he won't hear me. So I just have to keep shoving it down and shutting down in order to survive. I'm making the choice to stay, so need to sleep in the bed I've made I guess.
Here you know people will immediately believe you
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Moondust, Here you know people will immediately believe you and not respond with trite 'logical' advice (since we have all lived the ADHD-support 'Hall of Mirrors' experience.) Just knowing this fact can feel like a life saver.
Thank you
Submitted by Moondust on
Thank you for this. I often feel like I'm completely insane because no one else sees what I see.
Feeling insane becuase no one else sees what I see
Submitted by Kateri on
Boy isn't that the truth!!!! He seems to act so normal and fun loving around our kids and grandkids! (Although our kids see the ADHD they don't know how bad it is for me!)
We get it!
Submitted by Moondust on
I recently heard of an old friend who got divorced (our parents are acquaintances so heard through my mom). My first reaction was - "he is SO WONDERFUL how could anyone be stupid enough to leave him?!" Then I checked myself and realized that's what everyone would say about my husband if we got divorced.
It is especially hard when he can wait until someone leaves the room before turning on me, then they come back in and think I'm the cold bitch because all they see is me shut down and him back to his wonderful self.
This.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
It is especially hard when he can wait until someone leaves the room before turning on me, then they come back in and think I'm the cold bitch because all they see is me shut down and him back to his wonderful self.
This is the mark of a Narcissist, not ADHD.
Numb
Submitted by Yinyogi on
I completely get it about being numb. I have literally numbed my self to all types of emotion and feeling. I currently have facial numbness and leg numbness and a zillion test have come back negative. Guess when it get’s worse? After negative interactions with him. The emotions lead to a physical symptoms.I do yoga meditate, do service in the community. I got myself a 300 hour yoga certification went off meat sugar dairy to try to get rid of the numbness.
Also to the public he is a “great guy”. Serves on a couple city committees and everybody knows him. If I left they would all wonder why I left such a perfect guy. 31 years of handling the adhd has aged me prematurely. I just could not keep all the balls in the air anymore and had possibly a stroke 9 days before a heart surgery. Going into heart failure was the last straw. It wasn’t coronary artery disease or high blood pressure . It was literally a broken heart . My heart strings for mitral
valve were literally stretched and broken . I had surgery to replace them wth Goretex.
Anyway the stress absolutely leads to serious physical symptoms. Numbness is just the beginning.
Hall of mirrors
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Will it get better . Can you go more in depth on what you mean by “hall of mirrors”? I think I experienced it when in couples with a coach who was not experienced with ADJD and non ADHD couples.
Definition I found online.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hall of Mirrors:
A confusing or disorienting situation in which it is difficult to distinguish between truth and illusion or between competing versions of reality.
ADHD support takes a heavy toll mentally and physically.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
In my opinion the non-ADHD spouse is NEVER sure if the response they get back from the ADHDer is 'real' (i.e. promised action will really occur) or if the response is ethereal like an image from a mirror (that could be a series of mirrors that make something appear as if it were right in front of you but is not.) You may desperately want to convince yourself it is 'real' ('we are making progress...') but the next day the ADHDer can act (and believe) as if nothing ever happened. Poof. The non-ADHD spouse mentally ties themselves in knots as this dynamic plays out over the years while the ADHDers sees nothing and throws it back on you ('You are so demanding...') ADHD support takes a heavy toll mentally and physically.
Hi Moondust.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound a lot like me....( I think you and I joined this site about the same time 5 years ago) I love Adele's advice to you, it has become my goal in life to accept that much of the attitudes and behaviors are best dealt with by a shake of the head and walking away w/o a word...Some one who is selfish and self absorbed, or just loves being a Butt Hole, (and is in denial of their actions, usually want, (or can't) communicate anything respectful (worth a reply)
It's taken me years to accept this, because I'm a big talker, love intimacy and love sharing in life w/ my spouse...BUT, WHEN YOU GET BITE ENOUGH, WE WILL FINALLY STOP COMING BACK FOR MORE...I can deal w/ the quiet and loniness much better than conflict, chaos and drama....I tell myself it takes two to argue....So stop it....
c
Thank you
Submitted by Moondust on
I remember your name, so doesn't surprise me that we joined around the same time:)
I refer to it as the ADHD roller coaster and I'm unwilling to get on the ride, or choose to get off the ride, depending on the situation. This time I need to get off of it. Being emotionally invested in his treatment, believing he is going to try something different, etc, is EXHAUSTING and I just can't do it any more.
And you're totally right...I've been bit WAY TOO MANY TIMES. Perfect analogy. A comment on the weather leads to a bite. So I just have to bite my own tongue and not say anything. I just don't know how to do that without shutting down and dying a little more inside.
Dying inside
Submitted by c ur self on
That' the thing i too have battled... Love and the desire to share ( be 1) sucks me in...But it's not possible for mine to respect her role ( desire it) and the role her husband fills in the marriage... When you have been married 12 years, and have only heard I wants, never what do u want,? or what do think? I wise man learns from this and walks away..It really don't seem to be in her mind to do it, or even recognize the level of selfishness her life exudes...I'm learning to stop trusting it can be any different, there fore, I am slowly learning to stop getting emotional by pointing it out...She only seems to try hard ( be self aware) when i disengage and stop communicating about us... Just live with in the reality there isn't a lot possible for us... She isn't where life is found, so i don't need to be dying inside because of my of wife's mind, and behaviors...Daily reminder for me:)
c
Disengaged
Submitted by Moondust on
"She only seems to try hard (be self aware) when i disengage and stop communicating about us"
This is so true! Over the last couple weeks I have totally disengaged...and suddenly he is trying. He cleaned the kitchen as a Christmas present to me. (The chore agreement we came up with when we first were married, and have gone back to update periodically, always included him being in charge of the dishes and cleaning the kitchen since I do the cooking, but that's not the point). I was very happy he did it, and actually did a good job. This is not something he would have done, or even thought of, a month ago when I was engaged.
I also have had a terrible cold for the last week. He made me tea multiple times a day while he was home over Christmas. Even asking if I needed more before I had to chance to ask him. This is him trying to the max. I think this cold ended up being a blessing, because I was just wanting to sleep all through Christmas. So I didn't mind that he was playing video games constantly, etc, because I was asleep and it wasn't bothering me. Had I been feeling well and wanting to have those Christmas moments, it would have been a problem. I have no expectation that any of this will continue for any length of time, so am keeping my distance to safeguard myself.
I think it's the dream of being connected that always sucks me in, too. When he makes the effort of following the doctor's advice and uses the tools that work for him, we can have connection. But when he refuses treatment or any effort, there's no room for me, let alone a real connection. So I long for those times that were. That's when I feel the most alone and die a little more inside. You are totally right, though.... I need to also remind myself that he isn't where life is found. That could not be said any better. Thank you!
Rereading all the posts on this thread I.D.'s IT...:)
Submitted by c ur self on
THE GOLDEN RULE TO NEVER FORGET WHEN MARRIED TO ADD & DENIAL.
The hardest thing in the world to do, (relationally, for a non) is to have a wonderful life....Because our wonderful life will always be built alone, and then, only after years of heart break and disappointment of attempting to build it with a mind that is incapable......
The hardest thing in the world to do, (relationally for a add/adhd mind in denial) is to have a wonderful life that is built on consistency of thinking, feelings & behaviors. (love, kindness, calmness, self awareness, communication, ownership)....
Any time a person (any label, anybody) refuses to accept their infirmities, (physically, mentally, or emotionally) they will always live a dysfunctional life....
Denial by it's very nature, means hopelessness...It has taken many years to come to peace with this....And I still DON'T like it....LOL....
Blessings
C