Just a vent...

So this is one of those moments that I KNEW I would have, where I am in that "what was I thinking" mode.  I still think I made the right decision to let him stay until March (or when he gets what he needs to go be on his own) - because I made that choice out of love.  But I certainly DO feel like he was making those changes, and following through on things etc to get me to let him stay - I feel like he manipulated me.  Because once that I did, he has really slacked off and gone back to how he used to be.  At this point, he contributes VERY little to the home regularly.  He does pay for his own cigarettes and he pays for the gas in the truck.  But he isnt keeping up with the things he said he would do.  Its falling on my shoulders again to pick up the slack.  Which would not be such a big deal if we were truly sharing finances and working together to get things done (because then we would be contributing together).  He did help me move boxes down stairs that were too heavy for me.  And he helped me set up a table in my craft room.  He still asks me if I need things when he gets up.  But... those major changes he made, where he seemed genuinely wanting to follow through and be responsible and contribute... seems to have slipped away.  I hope I am wrong about him doing it to manipulate me.  I WANT to be wrong.


I am glad he is able to save for what he needs, but I am pretty disappointed that all that initial change he made seemed to be just a ploy to get what he wanted.  He also likes to treat himself a couple of times to fast food for lunch.  I wonder if he will ever feel like treating me to dinner instead of me paying for it all the time.  Last night I had hoped he would say it was his treat - but he didnt.  Silly to hope for something so trivial I guess!


He is leaving, and I will be OK.  He is leaving and I will be OK.  I love him with my whole heart - a choice I make every day.  I am sad that he believes love is something that just exists, that its a feeling you have.  How very sad to live to shallowly.  For him and everyone who loves him truly.  How sad for me.


Anyway - just one of those days I am feeling down and "less than".