Just will not compromise one eensy teensy bit!

My partner just refuses to compromise ever.  It's only ever his way or the highway.  It is driving me nuts.

Here's a great example:

He insists on fixing these vintage keyboards he has in the living room of our house despite the fact that he has a dedicated workshop in which to do so.  I soon realized that I was not going to get my way at all on this because when he wants to do something, that's it, he's gonna do it come hell or high water.  So, appealing to his higher nature and figuring he might realize how stubborn and inconsiderate he is generally, wondered if he might be willing to compromise so, I asked him to at least put his tools away when he was done.  He seemed to kind of agree to this...for a while.  After scouring our entire kitchen from ceiling to floor tonight, I came in to find him lounging on the couch watching a movie with his tools out and scattered every where.  I asked him once nicely if he wouldn't mind putting them away and when he said 'no', I assumed he meant "no, he didn't mind'.  Apparently what he meant was 'no' he won't put them away.   Then I demanded that he put them away to which he refused because he 'likes them out'.  I can't take it.  Can't he already see what a compromise it is for me to even put up with him turning our beautiful living room into a workshop 'just because"?!?  And now he won't even put his tools away which I thought was part of an agreement.  It's so unbelievably ridiculous.  Why it so hard for some men with ADHD to compromise even a teensy bit when everyone around them is moving heavens and earth for them to be happy????

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Searching for compromise

Caroline,  I too don't understand.  My husband is in the construction field.  He will come home in his dirty muddy dusty clothes, and walk into the living room and sit on the upholstered furniture, or sit on the carpeting and lean his back up against the furniture.  I tried to explain how I feel very disrespected when he does it.  He responds by getting angry.

There is no workspace in the barn, as my husband seems to have some tendencies as a hoarder. There is no workspace on his desk, as it is piled high with papers - he even has all the top drawers pulled out as extensions of the desktop, and those too are piled high.    I  have explained to my spouse that I don't mind if he is working on a project in the living room or dining room - even if it takes a day or two.  What I do mind, is the whole house becoming a workshop were the tools sit around on the tables and counters.    

Maddening.      However, it is nice to realize I am not the only one who struggles with this behavior.


I'm so exhausted

Me, too. Exhausted that is. (Just in case that 'me too' needed clarification. Insert sarcasm.) Lol! Or trying to. 

Hi, I'm new here. And I'm starting to weep. And I have 50 gazillion things to do, so I don't have time for this. 8 days ago I figured out that my fiance has full blown ADHD. 20 out of 20 of diagnostic criteria. Trying not to lose my mind as I take this all in. At least I know I'm not crazy. 

I see 'us' everywhere on these pages. It helps to not be so alone anymore. I wish I could help you and others that are posting, but right now, you all are helping me, so I just wanted to come on and say "Hi" and Thank You.


http://www.adders.org/info7.htm This is the criteria list I spoke of.

Welcome, Walker!  I find it

Welcome, Walker!  I find it both comforting and depressing that so many of the posts on this forum say things that I could have written about my marriage, my spouse, or myself.  Usually, though, it does make me feel a bit better to know that I'm not alone in the struggle.  Thanks for sharing that list of ADHD traits or symptoms.  I've seen many such lists and this was one of the best for summing things up concisely but also comprehensively.

I'm So Exhausted's picture


Hello Walker824. 

I think most often it is a spouse, relative or close friend who recognize these issues, long before the person who has ADHD sees themselves.  When my spouse finally had a full diagnostic assessment at age 55, his unpleasant ADHD  traits had evolved into a full-blown disability. 

He has so many coping skills that he has self-developed, I can't see how he will overcome them - without help.  As of today - at this very minute in time - he only believes it is his spouse (me) who needs help.

I hope my spouse will decide to focus on his own self.  I hope we can stay married.  I hope if we need to be apart, he will find himself and find his way back to me. 

My spouse cannot celebrate his successes.  A long time ago I discovered that  anytime he would get near a success, he would kick the goal forward by added other necessary criteria for it to be a complete success - - thus never ever reaching a successful moment.  And I now think he has wrapped his whole world into one place of perfection - whereby he will never get there. 

So sad to have to see his own self-destruction. It doesn't have to be this way.


My Sympathies

As I type this I am sitting on my couch in my basement (no drywall upstairs) and surrounded by the contents of my temporary kitchen and various project tools.  This is not new.  I totally feel your pain.  Now I'm pretty sure the recommended route is rather than demand he put his stuff away to tell him how it makes you feel.  "When I come home I really like to have a peaceful environment and instead I feel quite a lot of environmental stress when I discover all your tools lying about."  Repeat.  Often.  What I actually do is ask him to clean it up by a certain time, and if he doesn't I do it myself.  Way less than ideal but I get what I want and there's value in that.  Also you could ask him, gently, what could be changed about his workshop to make it more appealing to work there.  Perhaps a tv or recliner.  Remember it's not personal.  Good luck.