keeping it together: summer travel...

Hi Everybody!!!

I've been on vacation for a week, staying with relatives... Travel with 2 small children is always chaos - and when you're running out of meds, it's even worse!!!  I tried to get my prescription filled while in another state and even called ahead to make sure they had the generic adderall.  Everything was fine, except I got a call after dropping off the script from the pharmacist saying they wouldn't fill it because my doctor did not sign the prescription.  I don't think he ever does, actually... so... that meant driving an hour and going to costco and hoping they wouldn't notice the missing signature.  Much to my relief, they either didn't notice, or didn't care because I was already in the system.  Whew.

My relatives know about my 'problem' and some of them share it.  The NT's in the family think it's really funny though.  'Oh, what's the matter?  running out of your brain candy??  Don't worry:  I can just smack you upside the head if you start doing dumb $#!t."  Yes, I know they're kidding, but... I'm so, so, SO f*cking tired of the jokes at this point!!!!!

BUT - that said, the very guy who made that statement bought me a little voice recorder to help me remember stuff, and I have to say, that $#!t totally works!  Keep it on me all the time and the second i think of something, i make a note. Yay!

Hope y'all are doing well!

Ellamenno

Sometimes us non's can fail

Sometimes us non's can fail miserably at making a joke about it...and it's like I tell my husband it's funny when he thinks it's funny but when he doesn't, then I'm a jerk for joking about it. Best bet is to just not joke about it ..and laugh when he does.

Glad you're enjoying vacation and were able to get your meds filled. Sorry about the insensitive relative..but glad he made up for it with his helpful gift! :)

Have fun!!

Sherri

Jokes

I have learned to make ADD jokes because it puts NTs at ease and lets them know that I KNOW it sucks to be around me.  Sometimes I need to make a joke to buy me some time/cut me some slack and diffuse the anger in my direction caused by an ADD related screw up. For example, last week on vacation, I'd intended to make blueberry pancakes for everyone.  But first, I decided to make a couple of plain ones for my kids because they don't like cooked blueberries.  But... I spaced out and made all of them plain, while the bowl of blueberries sat untouched right under my nose.  I was going to cover up my mistake and start over, but my aunt woke up and came downstairs and 'caught' me.  So I made a joke about my pill not having kicked in yet.

I don't find any of them funny, even if I'm the one telling them.  But, I guess it's like being in a foreign country and wearing an uncomfortable outfit because it's traditional/normal, or eating whatever is on my plate when I'm a guest at someone's house even if I find it disgusting because I want to be respectful/polite.

Sadly, my "jokes" are more

Sadly, my "jokes" are more critcisms than jokes...after thinking on this a while. I don't joke about it because there really is nothing funny about it...but I might say, when he says "I am leaving here in ten minutes" (work) I will say "Ok, see you in two hours". That kind of thing. I will be a bit more sensitive to what I'm saying. I truly would never want to make him feel bad about himself for having ADHD. I do wish, however, that he was as aware and accountable for it as you are. He wants to play the "I'm different/my brain doesn't work like yours" card a lot...but mostly to just avoid holding himself accountable.

oof.

My husand's favorite response when I'd say, "Look, I'm trying..." used to be, "Yes:  you are VERY trying."  I finally asked him to stop, and thankfully he did.

And ah, yes:  the "Ok see you in two hours" joke.  Wish I had a nickel, as they say... Predicting failure before even being given a chance.  I think I hate these 'jokes' the most.  So humiliating.  I find when a joke is made or attention is drawn to my 'problem' it makes me angry and panicky and the emotions cloud my ability (even more) to figure out whatever simple task I was trying to do that was interrupted by said joke/comment.  Aaaaannnd *surprise!!!* I'll f*ck it up, along with 3 other things that i would not have if I were alone, or if the joke/comment had not been made.  Sometimes I can't shake the anger for days.  seriously.  My husband will try to touch me and it pisses me off so much that he could humiliate me in the morning and then somehow forget a few hours later. Was I supposed to feel grateful that he's willing to touch me even though I am such an irritating burdon? etc. etc.  I have to talk myself down from the anger - or just try to suppress it and forget it. After all, HE sure isn't thinking about it anymore, so why should I?

I don't 'use the card'.  My husband knows it's neurological, and frankly I think it repulses him a bit to know that his wife has a mental disorder that will never go away, so i'm not going to remind him of that fact.  I think it would be less icky for him to just be annoyed because I'm a ditz.

But I have to say, the criticism has decreased to almost nothing now and when I DO slip up now and then, he will bite his tongue and not say anything, which I appreciate more than if he'd given me a pair of f*cking diamond earrings.

 

Predicting failure...

That does add So much to a task. When you are trying to do things better, after learning what has lead to so many failures, you need to be given a chance. Joking about something you are still trying to fix is poor timing. Maybe 10 years from now we can joke about forgetting you were making blueberry muffins or leaving 2 hours later, instead of 10 minutes all the time ot me taking 10 months to sand and finish out the ceiling after an emergency plumbing repair. I hate the fact that I have a neurological disorder that is a joke to most uninformed people. Causing your spouse to humiliated and forgetting about a few hours later sounds like something an ADDer would do... Odd... Did he not know how much you were hurt? Suppressing anger is Bad and I'm the King O' Anger Suppression. Keep working on this like you are and the proof will be in improved results.

You did not ask for the ADD and don't you think it is better you are Not a Ditz? :)


 

YYZ

I dunno, YYZ

If I were just a ditz, I would neither know nor care...  so I would be blissfully ignorant and content with life as it is....

My main problem with time management and trying to get somewhere on time is usually the little things that get thrown in my face.  like packing for a trip and then having to deal with one of my kids getting hurt, breaking something, hiding something i need, hurting MYSELF accidently because i'm rushing and all of this compounding to make me scramble and be behind schedule and then try to figure out what steps I can skip to be on time and then realizing I CAN'T skip anything because I NEED all of the items on the list to be done before I go.  My husband has his own stuff to take care of, or is at work waiting for me to have everything ready and gets more and more impatient.  If he is home seeing me flailing, he'll huff and puff and roll his eyes at my inefficient attempts at solving whatever problem has jumped up.  This, of course makes me angry and nervous and I start making more distracted mistakes.

It's the little stuff that adds up:  Screwing up the pancakes (when the whole POINT was to use the blueberries we'd picked the day before) right after screwing up making coffee.  I'd actually put the water and coffee in the machine, turned it on and then turned away to look for a mixing bowl, flour, eggs etc....  then after about 5 minutes thought:  'Ok, there's probably enough coffee in the pot now that I can steal a cup before it's finished." only to turn around and see that i had not put the coffee pot back into the machine and there was coffee and coffee grounds all over the counter.  soaking everything on it. and the floor etc. etc.  Now, i'm in someone else's house, trying not to wake people up and trying to clean up the mess so there is no trace of the failure...  Is this such a big deal?  No, not for the average person.  But you see I have made this mistake before in the very same house 2 times before so I did NOT want to deal with the 'jokes' again.  Luckily, I got it all cleaned up and made another pot without being 'caught'.  Can you imagine, you NTs out there if you had to go through your life doing every mundane task in your life two or three times???  this kind of crap happens to me all the time and will happen while i'm working or trying to catch a plane or out with my kids etc. etc.  so stuff that is 'no big deal' can become a VERY big deal when it screws up everything in my life.  (losing tickets, money, medicine etc. etc.)

I think the reason my husband 'forgets' about the jokes he's made is because in the past i just sucked it up.  Now he knows better and has not made any recently.

I am trying to keep a sense of humor, YYZ.  (yes, I am VERY trying.....*sigh*)

Ellamenno is Trying hard ;)

See! You have not lost it! (Humor :)

Boy... Getting ready to leave on a trip. This is a process that almost always comes close to multiple homicide. We only do this a couple of times a year, so my "Repetition/Order" practice has not been perfected. The kids are standing around, we have to remember everything, my wife does most of the packing especially for my 2 DD's (I'm not qualified) and I will not take the beating for screwing that up. I get all items to a staging area near the suitcase loading zone, prep the car, load the car (My specialty) and setup and road electronics and drive the car. No matter how well this process goes, there is so much stress and tension in the air that one wrong word can cause a melt-down. I've done similar things like your coffee reference, but you are Not at Home and everything is different to your own house and have to deal with Not wanting to cause a problem in their house, because at least in my case because "I'll embarrass my DW, again" There is no "Laid Back, No problem" like I would give to any guest in my house. It kind of sucks having some undefined code of guest perfection to live by, but I know most of the rules by now...

That's good about the jokes... I don't make jokes about my DW's depression/anxiety she experiences, so I figure ADD jokes should be out as well and they are.

Above all, find a good place for the humor ;)

YYZ

Oh, the trips...

Be very, very grateful YYZ, that YOU don't have to organize all the 'stuff' and for the whole family!   It seems Mom - ADD or not - is the one to deal with everyone's 'stuff' and is responsible for everything everyone wants to bring.  (even the stuff that they didn't TELL you they wanted for the trip, but you are just supposed to KNOW...)  I get clothes clean and folded and picked out for the trip and put it in a 'staging area' as you call it.  then my husband insists on actually putting stuff INSIDE the suitcase because my method of packing isn't efficient enough.  His priority for packing is space-saving, ie; stuffing as many small items as possible inside shoes, etc. and my method is putting like objects together, say, all of the kids clothes in one bag, and our clothes in another, toys and books in another, etc. etc....  as a result, when we get somewhere, I have no idea what bag the thing is that i need (kids' medication/swimsuit/whatever) and have to dig around and at least one item per trip is left behind because he didn't think it was a part of the 'staging area'.   i've also got to clean our home, empty the dishwasher, handwash whatever dishes we use just before leaving, clean out the fridge, put good stuff in the freezer, chuck out bad stuff, take out garbage (and empty diaper genie!)  His job is to carry stuff to the car.  then, once in the car, he drives while I watch the GPS and confirm the directions that the nice lady is announcing and watch for exits and run interference with the kids.  When we stop, I am the one to change the dirty diaper and/or clean up vomit and take the 4 year old to the bathroom.  4 times out of 5 in the last year, I found myself in a gas station bathroom trying to clean vomit and poop off of a squirming toddler and carseat while 5 or 6 angry people waited and banged on the door.  There was a trip that i did solo with the girls in March.  It was supposed to take 45 minutes.  with all the stops for various messes, requests, screaming, etc. It took 2 hours.

I get SO stressed out getting ready for a trip, I can't tell you.  We've got two more coming up this summer.  I actually laughed out loud when my doctor said, "Well, it's summer... you could probably take a break from the medication since you won't have anything stressful to do."  I said, "Are you kidding me? Traveling multiple times in 3 months?  With 2 kids under 5?  One of which is to a foreign country?  You have not had to go anywhere with me, Doc.... please write the script!"

DH called from his hotel to say that he wants to have the car checked out. I am not there, and don't know exactly what the problem is,  but i've got to make the phone calls to the insurance co.  (between taking DD#1 to daycare and DD#2 to work with me for the morning and then going to my other part time gig in the afternoon) because he has an irrational fear of talking to people on the phone.  *sigh*  I'll do it though, because he does grocery shopping every week because I get overwhelmed by the huge grocery store in this city, and costco and Target....  I could spend 3 hours in Target and come out with nothing because i'm too confused.  :-(  BUT my crappy day-job experience has made me fearless of telephone representatives!

hm.  well i've wasted another 20 minutes on this site.  That's the problem:  helpful, but time consuming.  Sherri - what was that book you mentioned somewhere about having too much to do???

goodnight y'all.  I really appreciated your support today :-)

((hugs!))

Ellamenno

It was Melissa who orginally

It was Melissa who orginally mentioned it...Overworked, Overwhelmed, and Underpaid, I think was the name of it. Melissa?

I always wondered why when we would take a trip together my {typically laid back and sweet} husband would turn into Oscar the Grouch for the first half of the trip. It usually takes him hurting someone's feelings to make him stop. I don't remember a trip that we took together that he didn't reduce me to tears (whether because he was picking on me or the kids) at some point during the drive. I never did get that. I always hated the thoughts of it. He didn't have to pack, he didn't have to worry about finances, he didn't have to deal with the kids (except when he would insist they " BE QUIET" when they were simply entertaining themselves by playing or giggling), so I never understood why he had to ruin the trip TO our destination every.single.time. He did it just last June when we took our daughter, her friend, and our niece to Carowinds for the day. Actually told me to stop the car and let him out half way there...claiming he would find someone to come get him. I was FULLY prepared to do so too. At this point I was in tears and desperately trying to hide it from the kids. It's terrible. Why does this happen?

Does it sometimes feel to you

Does it sometimes feel to you like you've fallen down the rabbit hole? Often I stop and look at myself and my situation and think, "This is surreal. What am I doing here and why am I tolerating these behaviours over and over again?" Other times it just seems so clear to me that I'm engaged in a worthwhile and loving process with a wonderful man. The last few weeks have been rabbit hole time. (Hmm, in that second last sentence I accidentally typed "another man" instead of "a wonderful man" and then fixed it. Curious... It does sometimes seem like I'm married to two different people!)

huh.

I dunno Sherri.  That's strange.  Not sure why he's grouchy if he is not packing or driving or organizing.  Maybe he gets claustrophobic in the car with the kids making noise?  That's not ADD though.  hm.

I am not grouchy when I'm traveling, I am the on everyone gets grouchy AT.  So I am stressed out and overwhelmed and apologetic. 

Travel...

I love to travel, it is just the chaos of leaving the house that makes me crazy. Once we are on the road it is all good to me :) It sounds like some of the DH's need to pick up more of the load to me and it sounds like ADD is not required to "Not Help" the over-stressed DW...

YYZ

grouchy traveling

My (ADHD) hubby randomly gets grouchy when we travel.  He's usually okay when we're packing (I pack for the kids and I and he packs for himself) and on the road.  It's when we visit places such as museums, theme parks, etc that he starts to grouch.  I asked him about it once and he said he just gets into a state of overwhelm.  There is so much chaos going on - people all around, trying to keep track of three small kids and general tiredness.  When we travel, we try to just visit family and just hang out.  I've stopped trying to go out to other places (museums, theme parks) because it's tiring for me to deal with his grouchiness.  It's just no fun.  And that makes me sad.  I'd love to take our kids to lots of places (and I do take them to some on my own), and I want him to come with and enjoy it.  

I do think a lot of this

I do think a lot of this comes from just trying juggle so many balls at once. I do stuff like this all the time. I can understand  being in someone else's home and worrying that you'll be 'joked' about...I get all of that. But, at some point in your life you have to overcome these issues...and by 'these issues' I mean GIVING A SHIT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN. Life is much easier when you can laugh at yourself. I don't mean to make it sound like it is as easy for you as it is for someone without ADHD...and I certainly think you're ahead of the game in many aspects...but can you see where SOME of this has to be absorbed by you or YOU are going to remain upset with yourself? I would consider myself a 'clutz' and VERY forgetful sometimes (happened after I had kids...I swear my brain fell out when I had my first C-section) but I really don't feel it is my 'job' in this world to live up to anyone else's expectations. My issues are annoying and affect others around me sometimes, but not usually...and if I screw up a pot of coffee...or forget to add the vanilla to the cookies, the salt in the homemade bread, the *insert any random ingredient into any random recipe* then 'oh well' people will just have to live with it. I think the bottom line is that you feel judged by your husband much more than you feel loved and accepted. What you have to decide is how much of it is HIM actually being judgemental and critical and YOU just looking at everything from a negative perspective and setting him up to 'fail' no matter what he says? I am going to assume, if yours is like most marriages here, it is a combo of the two. Talk to him about it. Keep talking about it. "I know it may seem silly to you, but when you I ________ and you _________, it makes me feel __________."

Thanks, Sherri.

I know I often feel judged when actually people are just frustrated with me.  But I guess knowing I've frustrated someone isn't much better than being judged.  But - you're right.  I have to let it go.

My day so far:

scrambling to get laundry done/preparations for my husband's research trip while he went grocery shopping.  I meet him on the street with a double stroller with DD#2, collect groceries and bring them home.  He goes on another errand with DD#1.  When he comes back, he sees a bag i've forgotten to unpack.  The frozen stuff, of course. fortunately, he doesn't say anything. Then he says he's double parked and that I need to make lunch quickly for DD#1 and be ready to run down to the car with DD#2 when he returns from the car with other purchases.  He comes back 6 minutes later, I'm struggling to strap DD#2 into her stroller and dash out the door.  When I get to my car, it is being squashed by a mack truck trying to get through a street where most cars are double parked.  there are 6 cars behind it and the street sweeper.  I run to the car, wave at him to stop and try to put my DD into the car as fast as i can.  he begans to drive, dragging my car along with him.  I start screaming and he stops (luckily his window is open). I was nearly run over by my own car!! I jump in the drivers' seat and drive out, park on the other side of the street so there's room for him to get by.  another car passes me and now i am blocked in on the side of the street where the sweeper is supposed to sweep and i will get a ticket if no one lets me in.  Someone finally does, but the truck is gone and I can't get a license # or any information about it.  I get back to my block and pull into a spot, while 6 cars behind me are leaning on their horns.  I am rushing, and I bump into the SUV parked in front of me.  Immediately a maintenance guy who owns the car runs from across the street to yell at me, "MY CAR IS NOT HERE FOR YOU TO HIT!!"  which, in the moment struck me as an odd thing to say, since I was bracing myself for, "YOU @#%$#&%!!!" or something...  I get out and look at his car.  there is no damage, of course, since I was going a quarter mile per hour, but MY car is ripped up on the side from the mack truck.  The guy is standing there, so I mumble that i'm sorry for bumping into him.  Just then DH and DD#1 come out of the building.  I'm upset, and try to explain what happened. Maintenance guy drives off and parks on the other side of the street (guess he figures i'm dangerous now).   DH asks me if I got the license # of the truck.  I tell him I didn't, as i was driving my car and couldn't write anything down...  I know he was (once again) frustrated that I hadn't 'done the logical thing' but honestly, I just couldn't.  I was too overwhelmed in the moment.  Should I have held everyone up for a few more seconds to write down the info? Yes, probably.  BUt i didn't.   Now i've got to call the insurance co to find out if this is covered or not.  I think (hope!) it's not structural, that the damage is just the scrape on the outside, but who knows?  DH has to drive several hours today, so we have to have it checked out.

In some countries, people who are diagnosed with ADHD are not allowed to get drivers' licenses.  I kind of wish that were true here so i wouldn't have to deal with this crap!

Holy crap Ellamenno! Thank

Holy crap Ellamenno! Thank God you guys are okay! Look, though its scary and frustrating my feeling is the car is just a THING. It getting mashed is a whole lot less important than if you got squished. Also, btw- just to mention the coffee and pancake story again, I LOVE the fact that my guest would be willing to wake up before me to make coffee and pancakes- and clean up. My typical experience is that I am expected to serve and do it all. Frankly, as long as you clean up your mess, I could care less- come to my house! ;). Seriously, in the great scheme of things u derstand you are doing ALOT- for anybody... And that is hard when you have two little ones at this age (i know, been there done that). It gets easier, dont worry. For heavens sake, cut yourself some slack!!!!

Thanks Lulu.

It's been a hell of a day.  Got the kids in bed after a long struggle (when Daddy's away, my 4 year old thinks she can get away with pulling a lot of crap).  Actually, the bedtime part wasn't as bad as the drama before dinner. I'm exhausted.

Yeah, the car is just a thing.  But I was afraid my husband was going to $#!t a brick.  I've only gotten in one real car accident, and that one was my fault:   My husband was ice cold to me for a month because I'd made our insurance go up AND the car had been in an accident and therefore the resale value was lower.  (I thought, really?  It's already a used car that's 5 years old!!  You're gonna be pissed about this?  really?  Really.)  Fortunately, he was not as upset as I was about the thing today, and does not blame me. 

BTW Sherri - I have made Chicken Curry but... without the curry.... twice.

*sigh*

Reset...

Time to hit the Reset Button... Sounds like a Hell of a Day. You were in an accident and You were okay. I love cars as much as the next guy, or girl, but cars can be replaced and insurance companies are going to screw us anyway ;)

 

YYZ

LOL I don't like curry

LOL I don't like curry anyway...so I would like your version better! :)

Glad you're OK! I hate those kinds of days. I think kids can sense when we're upset/stressed and they go hog wild!

I know my husband would say he worries about me being upset with him often, but it dawned on me recently (yesterday) during one of my 'let's analyze this relationship to death' moods that I actually find myself stressed worrying about his reaction more than I'm willing to admit. Not over screw ups in the kitchen...but over things like me taking his clothes out of the dryer and neatly stacking them on top of the dryer, but forgetting to bring them up. He got up one morning recently and went to get a work shirt. I heard the closet open and my heart sank. I said "your work shirts are on top of the dryer". Would you know that instead of just going to get one (our house is not huge) he says "will you please have {our daughter} bring them up today" which was a cheap shot at me (i.e. since you're too lazy!). It wasn't what he said, but the way he said it. I rarely ever go anywhere that I leave our son with him that I am not rushed or made to feel like I need to get home ASAP. I needed to get a few groceries the other day...after I took my daughter to see a movie. Sure enough, once he found out we were out of the movies, the texts to 'hurry' started. I think these things bother me a lot more than I was willing to admit before. Our son (actually my son from my first marriage) has special needs and since his 'unravel' (depression?) started in February, although he has come around for the most part, he has pretty much ignored him. He doesn't even know how to prepare a meal for him. (special diet) It is starting to really hurt me to see him so unresponsive. He doesn't even bother to get up and at least make sure he's OK when he has a seizure anymore.

Sorry..just thinking out loud. Rambling. Lots to think about. Glad you are OK!

Sherri

In my defense...he doesn't

In my defense...he doesn't get mad and I am not saying it in a "you're such a loser I know you'll never leave there in 10 minutes" kind of way. Not sure it makes any difference, but it isn't meant to be mean and we both giggle when I say it. He knows he's not leaving in 10 minutes and I know he's not leaving in 10 minutes and in the grand scheme of things, when he leaves is simply when he leaves. I know he leaves when he's done and I'm OK with that. I do not say it in the "you're surely going to screw this up and not be home for another hour" kind of way...ever. I will admit to making comments and/or having thoughts like that AFTER I hang up the phone (not typically about the 'time' issue, but about other 'promises' he makes) but I don't say them to him. I KNOW it's just as bad to think it...and I am making a huge effort to not even think it. It is very hard to break the habit...but I want to have a more positive attitude towards him even in the face of his denial and continual broken promises. I have no idea how...best thing I've come up with is just stopping myself when I start to do it..and prayer.

For me...it is a prediction of future failure...based on past failures. I know it isn't right, but sometimes I do wish he would suck a tiny bit more of it up and hold himself a little more accountable. It isn't about how I feel about him as a person, just what I've learned to expect over the years...which is disappointment. The pancake scenario...not a disappointment...in my eyes. Just a mistake...and one that I can very easily see myself doing. I'm talking about things that really matter. I don't pick him apart for minor things or things that have no significant impact. I'm sorry if your husband does. :-(

Please, as always, try and see both sides of things...he does need to understand that the "you're trying" comments are degrading and destructive...but I find my husband going in the opposite direction sometimes and reading things into what I say that aren't there...and being offended by things I did not say, mean, or imply. Just be sure none of that is playing a part in it.

Hold on though, dont you

Hold on though, Sherri, dont you think you are giving too much leeway to your DH,in the name of adhd? I think if he says he is leaving in 10', it should be reasonable to assume he could (he could set his phone timer, write a note, etc.) at least sometimes - or within a reasonable estimate of that timeframe. It just does not feel right to excuse blatantly rude behavior, even when I understand that at least SOME of the time it simply wont happen. Maybe he gave up on trying (as my husband seems to often) or maybe its just easier to do whatever he feels like because he know you/we are home to ensure kids are being taken care of- but it doesnt make it right. Ironically, in my DH job, he has a big time management responsibilty and manages to pull it off at work . I have trouble sometimes, swallowing the idea that so little accountability or at least acknowledgement ("hey, sorry im late, let me help with kids now", for example) needs to be allowed in my relationship when seeing the posts of yyz and ellamenno show that at least the awareness that time is an element that can be noted and addressed on SOME level. I have to say, returning our relationship to some level of polite and less rude behavior (what is an acceptable way to act and speak to your partner) while understanding and acknowledging each other's weaknesses and strengths is something I am really pushing these days. Before we talk about being in love, etc... Can we talk about being "in-like" first? How can we allow that to happen if we both dont try to account for BOTH of our feelings on some level? Otherwise the resentment will just keep popping up...

I had to think about this for

I had to think about this for a day or two. Honestly, since things have been going so rough for us lately, I don't get upset over his working over. I don't like it, I admit, but I just simply don't listen to him when he says he's leaving in 10 minutes because I know he won't. When he calls and says "I'm on my way" then I know he's on his way. Do I think he COULD set a timer and all that jazz? Sure. Does it matter enough to me to ask him to? No. He has a very serious issue at work right now. Before this issue he rarely ever worked over. I do not want to add to his stress by complaining about him working over...or by demanding he come home before he has done what needs to be done. If he thinks it will take 10 more minutes to get the e-mail server up, and it takes 2 more hours, then I am not going to give him a hard time about that...because he is doing his job and he has a lot of people depending on him. I honestly do not think there is any malice on his part at all...he's trying to get home most of the time, but computers/networks/servers aren't always predictable. He is very good about calling me frequently to let me know what is going on and such...so I am OK with it.

Yes, he does not have to worry at all about the kids being taken care of ... whether he's working or not. I do not have the same luxury, but I think that needs to change. He NEVER helps with anything once he's home. Adding that to my list of things that are going to change.

It is hard to get back to civility after WWIII has been waged on the marriage battlefield...but it can be done if you're both willing to try. It starts by spending time together, as a family (and sometimes just as a couple) and simply just having fun. No discussions of behaviors or ADHD or anger...just time to 'be' and enjoy each other.

 

Sense of humor...

I guess jokes depend on the people and the situation. I've always said "If you've lost your sense of humor, you are in Real Trouble"... I totally understand the "I'll be leaving in ten minutes" thing. Time awareness... It can still happen, but when I talk to my DW and she asks if I'm working late, I will look at my watch and pick a time to leave and Stick With It! I can do it... I has to be frustrating id there is no improvement in situations like this. Our brains are what they are... Everyone has issues, both ADDer's and NonADDer's, we all have something to work on. Hang in there Sherri :)

Ellamenno... Keep your chin up.


YYZ

The thing is with this

The thing is with this gorilla in the room, even everyday "honest" mistakes such as the "blueberry incident" can be construed by you and/or unfortunately others as just another adhd moment when, in fact, ANYONE could have done the same thing (ie sometimes a banana is just a banana). Remember, stuff happens and the fact that you have two little ones, were on vacation (disorienting enough as it is)... Is reason enough not to be "perfect" if there ever is such a thing. What the heck, you coukd have just sprinkled the berries on top...As for the joking aspect, I have to question the reasoning behind it-- is it harmless (like a cold sore) or was it meant more vindictively? In thos particular case, it sou ds harmless given the fact the individual gave you a thoughtful gift but I guess it does not excuse that thoughtless comment. You are helping yourself, though, by letting it go. I am forever amazed by the ability of some people ( even those I like) to make really hurtful "jokes" and not get it. Truth is, ironically, my DH is one of them... So I too have to consider the reasoning behind such comments offered. Hope the vacation was ultimately fun for you!

Vacation!

I'm glad things worked out finding a place to fill your prescription. Adderall is still kind of hard to find... Walmart Grocery came through again for me. Regarding the "Brain Candy" comment, I don't think most people really know anything about ADD and everything that goes with it. I used to make ADD jokes until I found out I had it myself.

I had a moment with my DW's family during the holidays the first year after diagnosis and when they started joking about ADD I had to take a moment and remind myself that I would have been laughing a year earlier... Nice make-up gift, sometimes NonADDer's can speak before thinking, like us :-)

YYZ