A kick in the pants

We can all use a kick in the pants.  i will start by giving myself one and share my frustration.  It is clear to me that I must not keep doing what I am doing.  Surviving by using all the coping tools I can but being very unhappy.  My being unhappy is not doing anyone any good. Not for my health, my DH, my children, my friends. I spend too much time trying to manage DH.  I should leave DH and give everyone the chance for love, faith and joy.  I have had the conversations with DH saying we can't go on like this.  I have looked at my options.  It is overwhelming to me to to know the "split" will be ALL mine to take care of the "stuff" plus the fallout from DH who is much better than me at verbal "divide and conquer" and verbal offense. Family and friends think he is a great guy. I have read all the books about verbal abuse and realize my confidence has been weakened by the tool of verbal abuse which is how my DH had found to make HIS ADD tolerable for himself.  His form of verbal abuse is to withdraw, the silent treatment, offer nothing, lie, sabotage, manipulate, turn my words around, deny, mock, discount, ignore, curse, distract --- all very covert but still battle-like. I am afraid.  I am doing what I can to bolster myself and find the inner strength to trust myself and the universe. I have spoken to my pastor. I have joined a grief group to help with the loss of my mother this year.  I am trying to pre-grieve the loss of my marriage and my adolescent belief in happy ever after.  As of now, I can't envision a "happy life" out there.  I hate who I have become and obsess about what I was and what has become of me.  I am starting to find sources of community (one of those is this site).  I am even doing hypnosis downloads to get myself in a better place emotionally.  I need a kick in the pants to get myself actively moving to a more sane state of being.

Just offering a virtual hug

I can't imagine what you are going through :(  I hope that whatever decision you makes leads to you being happy.

awww... hang in there!

Good for you Jenna! You can only worry about yourself. good for you for taking steps to make yourself happier and your life better. I am sorry that your expectations have not been met and that you have suffered so much sadness, disappointment and anger. I just hope that you can turn it around quickly and feel better soon.

As for your spouse's verbal abuse or neglect (silent treatment) and his mastery at turning things around in his favour- that is very very unfortunate that he has done that and sadly for him, he might realize how hollow those victories are only once you are gone... But a person can only tolerate so much and you have to focus on yourself now.

good luck. :)

Pbartender's picture

Cura te ipsum...

"Heal yourself"...  An old Latin saying, urging physicians to care for themselves before their patients, and made famous as the proverb found in Luke 4:23, "Then he said, “You will undoubtedly quote me this proverb: ‘Physician, heal yourself’—meaning, ‘Do miracles here in your hometown like those you did in Capernaum.’"

It's the same kick in the pants that I need.

Regardless of your husband, you can never be happy if you cannot be happy with yourself.  First, do what ever you need to do to rebuild your own life.  Then, he can decide whether or not he would like to live it with you and you can decide whether or not to include him in it.

 

Pb.

Never Alone

Jennalemon,  you have always offered me great insight, encouragement, advice and forgiveness in my pleas on this site.  I wish I had something profound to say to help you but I don't.  I'll remind you of something you already know:  you are NEVER alone.  God is ALWAYS with you.  He IS love and if you decide to leave, He will come with you and you will not be without love.  Give your marriage to God.  God can help your husband.  Do what you can to define yourself.  Be the person God intended for you to be.  No one is allowed to take that from you.

May tomorrow be a brand new day for you!

HTF