We can all use a kick in the pants. i will start by giving myself one and share my frustration. It is clear to me that I must not keep doing what I am doing. Surviving by using all the coping tools I can but being very unhappy. My being unhappy is not doing anyone any good. Not for my health, my DH, my children, my friends. I spend too much time trying to manage DH. I should leave DH and give everyone the chance for love, faith and joy. I have had the conversations with DH saying we can't go on like this. I have looked at my options. It is overwhelming to me to to know the "split" will be ALL mine to take care of the "stuff" plus the fallout from DH who is much better than me at verbal "divide and conquer" and verbal offense. Family and friends think he is a great guy. I have read all the books about verbal abuse and realize my confidence has been weakened by the tool of verbal abuse which is how my DH had found to make HIS ADD tolerable for himself. His form of verbal abuse is to withdraw, the silent treatment, offer nothing, lie, sabotage, manipulate, turn my words around, deny, mock, discount, ignore, curse, distract --- all very covert but still battle-like. I am afraid. I am doing what I can to bolster myself and find the inner strength to trust myself and the universe. I have spoken to my pastor. I have joined a grief group to help with the loss of my mother this year. I am trying to pre-grieve the loss of my marriage and my adolescent belief in happy ever after. As of now, I can't envision a "happy life" out there. I hate who I have become and obsess about what I was and what has become of me. I am starting to find sources of community (one of those is this site). I am even doing hypnosis downloads to get myself in a better place emotionally. I need a kick in the pants to get myself actively moving to a more sane state of being.
Submitted by jennalemon on 07/16/2012.