Knowing I'm burnt out

  I have been burned out for over 3 years, and don't know WHERE to begin to help myself get better. We had almost 24 undiagnosed years which were chaotic and fast paced due to the hyperactivity, and emotional upheavals because of all the miscommunication and lack of sensitivity, touch, love, etc., then the loss of friends and jobs, with his 3 year affair on top of it all. It burned me out completely, and I feel guilty because I don't have (whatever it is) to get back up and start again. I hate what I see in the mirror and I hate how I feel, and I do want to change, but I'm lost.

  I DID take time in past years to stay in shape, belong to outside groups, have friends, work different jobs and also take care of an invalid mother and mother-in-law. But, no matter what I did, I got NO support from my husband. Just once in a while I need my husband to validate something that I'M doing, take an interest in my accomplishments and/or even let me talk about my day. We only have conversations about what HE is interested in, we only talk about HIS day, HIS frustrations, HIS feelings, and of course his accomplishments are always more important than mine. All this, and more has made me feel like whatever I am, or what I do, or what I think or feel isn't important. What's crazy is that my husband can be SO  caring and supportive of OTHER people. (just not the ones here at home) And THEY think he's such a great guy, but I know if they LIVED with him it wouldn't be the same.

And, so now I feel like I'm worthless, and that whatever I accomplish means nothing, because the person that I've loved most DOESN'T pay attention to it. It's just been too long, too hard and it's worn me out. On top of everything, my husband and I are now responsible for his mother (with alzhiemers), his brother (bipolar and schizophrenic). We have to do all their paper work, their finances, and I have to shop for them and help them out as well. aaaahhhhh

 There are so many posts where people have been asked the same question, "If it's so hard, why do you stay"? Good question. And, Yes, I DO love him, I love the person he is. He can be SO funny, and creative, and helpful.......BUT.........when it comes to him relating to me as his WIFE, it just doesn't happen. And, now I am too burnt out to even think straight. What the HECK is wrong with me? Why can't I change this? I know I am messed up, and I didn't used to be this way. I feel like all I do is whine, and I wasn't like that. I want to be stronger and have a healthier state of mind. I feel paralyzed.

 

dedelight4

You ARE paralyzed! Loving someone so much and being ignored/invalidated makes a person numb; I know, I was there. I felt invisible. If you want to stay with him, you have to find yourself again, develop your own life. The way I got through the end of my marriage was to pretend that my husband wasn't there. I'd ask myself "What would I do if he was gone?" Then I'd do it. Cultivate my own interests, join groups, go to meetings, start my own business. He could do whatever he wanted. Your meaning in life has to come from YOU, not him. If your paths cross and you enjoy doing something together, it's a bonus. My husband and I were always friends, even if we couldn't stand each other as spouses.

After my divorce (and a 5 year cooling off period), my ex and I actually became friends again. We do things together and have fun, but don't pry into each other's lives. If he screws up, it's his problem (and if I screw up, it's mine); our finances (the biggest problem area for us) are completely separate. I enjoy being with him again because I've gotten my self confidence back and I don't depend on his (lack of) attention to validate me...now I can shrug and say "that's just the way he is".