I did a search on ADHD and marriage and found this site. Reading this I was brought to tears (Not too hard lately) I read about non-adhd spouses, they were pretty much saying exactly how I feel. I can see exactly how he is in the explanation of how the ADHD spouse feels and thinks too.
I have been married 44 yrs to someone who has gotten progressively worse and worse. He hasn’t gotten professionally diagnosed as of yet although he fits every single criteria to the “T”.
I’m sure there is some anger on my part but mostly I’m TIRED! Tired of walking on glass, not knowing when the next words are going to blow up into an all-out attack. There is no such thing as a disagreement with him, just an all-out war and do everything he can to hurt me! (Then I’m supposed to forget it all as if it never happened!) Tired of taking care of the house, picking up, cleaning. (Granted I could leave the food on the counter till he’s remembered hours later but with bug problems that isn’t the best option.) Tired of me doing everything, paying whenever we go anywhere because he doesn’t want to lose his wallet so he doesn’t bring it, even though he's driving. I do the bills, you name it.
Our kids are grown and we now have grandkids whom we love with all out hearts and frankly they are the best medicine for him but I am not well (lung tumors) and am not supposed to be stressed. HAHA. I’m tired of being told I’m a liar because of trying to impress an older guy (my husband) when I was 16. I admit I did stretch the truth and maybe told a few fibs back then but crap I’m 61 and still hearing about this!! I’m tired of all of it!! There is so much more that I am not putting, I know that sound trivial. There's just so much! I want to try to make it work, he says he’ll really try and he knows it’s all his fault. That only lasts about 3-4 weeks and blows up again. I’ve moved into the spare bedroom a few times to try to escape to silence.
The driving parts are so true! He runs red lights because “no ones coming!” Heaven forbid he has to wait for someone in traffic, he’ll go around. Speed, pass oh yes. After being in an accident with him (spending a week in hospital) I now have to look at my phone or something because I am a nervous wreck when he’s driving! I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling everything is just swirling around in my head. It’s just nice to know that it’s not just me, this is all real and I'm not alone!
I was up all night reading the ADHD Effect on Marriage. I’m trying, praying, I hope he will. I just know I can’t take much more.
Welcome to this place that no
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Welcome to this place that no one wants to need but that is very useful when it is needed.
I'm sorry that you're ill, on top of everything else. That must be so stressful!
Submitted by Kateri on
Yes, a place no one wants to be! Thank you.
I told my husband about the book and said it would be good for both of us to read. He said he'd like to, I put it on his Ipad so he can when he's ready. I see this as a step in the right direction, I hope!
Hi Kateri...Welcome to a place of understanding......
Submitted by c ur self on
The questions you need answered are the same ones most of us needed answered, when we found this site...."How do I live with this person, and not be so negatively impacted by his thinking, feelings, and behaviors?? Is there a way to have a peaceful life and stay with him??
I can only offer up what has worked for me.....
1) Boundaries are a must...My marriage and your marriage are not "typical" (Where two people can calmly agree, where there is healthy respect for the other) So when this is the reality...Communication is extremely difficult...If you and I ignore (refuse to accept the huge difference between us and our spouse) what is possible, and keep engaging them on the level we can be engaged on, then we are at fault (self inflicted suffering)....You said you are angry, I'm angry, and thousand of reader or angry....You said you are tired, I'm not tired any longer, I have stopped thinking I can be comfortable with her, I have stopped thinking I can have small talk with her....I have stopped thinking she will ever care about my needs, even when I point out her lack of effort in the marriage...(Barring a miracle)
2) Acceptance of Reality....Must be where you live....Not, he has all these problems...He will tell you the same thing my W will tell you....I'm fine....LOL....And they are fine, because they know, that their lives will never be one that attain to the level of.....Organization....Thoughtfulness of their Spouse.....Time Management....Emotional Discipline....But they are fine with it...It's the only way they know how to live....You and I have only one option for a calm peaceful life.....
Never think they can attain to your level of any of these items, if you do, you suffer....Acceptance!....Never enable or run behind them mothering, if you do, you suffer....forced accountability.
How does that look at my house? Well, I had to limit my self inflicted pain, so I had to change...I had to accept her, and be willing to live in certain conditions, and under certain rules (boundaries) that limits me from ever thinking for her, or her for me....Live and Let Live!....
The boundaries that I have put in place are these....1) I drive, or we drive separate, when we go some where...Three main reasons....1) She is rarely ready on time, I don't go late. 2) Her car has to much junk piled in the passenger seat. 3) She excuses herself and plays (talks, texts, plays w/ her apps) with her iphone while driving.
2) We do not share any bank accounts, back cards at all....I pay our common bills...put a sticky note on the table w/ the break down and ask her to write me a check for half...I usually get 40% after the third or request, about 2 weeks later;)
3) I file my taxes married and separate....I set down w/ my laptop and do them, and file them, stress free in about 3 hours...I have a vanilla envelop w/ everything in it....This year for example I got back around 3,000...She did her's the last day, and is paying 2,400 I think she said.....But, you can't tell her anything, and she blames every bad thing on anyone but the person in the mirror....Oh I tried to do taxes with her for a few years, BUT, (self inflicted pain) what was that you said about the anger...LOL....
4) Boundary...My emotions....Control them!...How? For me....Give it to Jesus!...Also....The biggest thing I have done personally, was to stop enabling and mothering....When I see a train wreck coming in her life....Let it happen...So I can stay calm and she can learn.....The more I smile and hug her, (live and let live) and the less I talk about her life style and choices (complain, point out the dysfunction, offer advice, no matter how bad she needs wise advice) the better quality of life I have...(not mad, limiting my self inflicted pain)....
5) This is a big one....They all are...But...Live my life....When you are married to someone, most normal minds think togetherness in most things in life....Like I said earlier, our marriages are not typical....So, the question is what is possible, for both lived peacfully?....When you stop over focusing on your add spouse, and learn to focus on your own life things get better....It's hard for we who desire the closeness to accept...But I have learned to enjoy the beach alone...Ride my Bike, eat out alone, get under my unbrella w/ a good book or my music....You cannot let their busy lives, that leave you out many times cause you not be you....
I'm going to pray for you right now....I'm going to ask the Heavenly father to touch your body, and bring peace and healing to you...
Bless you Kateri...
The best post since I joined the forum
Submitted by adhd32 on
This post is like a manual on how to survive in an ADD relationship. The best you can expect. The saddest thing is that because of the denial, things will never change. Changing our reactions and having boundaries helps but the self-protection destroys having an unguarded intimate relation where deep feelings and conversations are shared. This makes me sad. I have found that my H's moods and personality have slowly gotten worse as the years passed. Little by little so slowly that like a growing child you turn around and you look ,and think, when did that happen?
Thank You 32....No greater empathy can be felt, as we feel here.
Submitted by c ur self on
I just love people, and most of us come on this site messed up emotionally, because we keep trying to have normal marital interactions with someone who isn't either capable or willing (same results either way) of returning the same love...So because of the dysfunctional behaviors that can and do flair up at any moment (some times we know the high probability times) we must learn to not put our trust in the very person we vowed to love all of our days....It's very difficult! It's a reality none of us want to accept....It's been my project the past 6 year to learn to live with my spouse in an understanding way...Love her, and respect her rights, even though much of her pursuits and approaches to life, go against everything I feel builds a good marriage bond...But it's who she is...I can leave, but, I had rather not, if at all possible....I've found the best thing I can do is just trust the Lord, not get into bad situations in the name of closeness, when I know better....You are right about the answer to the question...What is possible? It is very Sad...But the price for calm emotions and a peaceful life is found in the true answer to that question...
Bless u 32...