Lack of apology, acceptance and peace



This is the strangest feeling.  It's nice.  Very nice. I'm not sure how I arrived at this point of acceptance and peace. It's been a long two years + and a circuitous route.

Brief explanation:

Some old friends learned that I'm divorcing.  Our children had played sports together and the couples were close and socially active together.  My son and I noticed that he was no longer invited to many events and I noticed that my H and I were excluded from things.  It was unpleasant but I didn't spend too much time thinking about it.  

They invited me to lunch.  I was happy to see them again.  The purpose of the lunch was to let me know that my H had been inappropriately pursuing one of them.  They had copies of the texts.  They were not flirtatious.  It was disgusting.  It was the worst kind of stuff that I imagine people say on hook up sites.  I can only imagine, because I've never communicated on them.

This happened several years ago when things were good between us. 

He chose to target someone I considered a friend. She shut him down but he would have had the affair if given the opportunity.  

I confronted him.  I was able to objectively, without emotion, see the pattern of his responses.  It was a long term pattern I was caught up in and it had no good end for me emotionally. 

1.  deny deny deny

2.  Tell me I'm a liar and making stuff up

3.  Resort to character assassination of the other party.

4.  Realize I have proof and shut down after sticking the lie to the end

5.  Act like nothing happened the next day and accuse me of being negative and not letting it go 

I guess I've finally reached the point where I can understand that his behavior doesn't have anything to do with me. Two years ago, I would have been devastated by something like this.  Instead, I feel grateful that I finally have proof of his actions.  Everything else has been circumstantial.  I now feel the relief of not second guessing myself in this decision.  I received the gift of now knowing how he really is.  

The most interesting side effect of the new attitude and composure is that it changed the dynamics of the disagreement.  In the past, his actions tore me apart.  He acted as if I was crazy and deranged for being upset.  He moved on without any ill effects.  This time, he is the one who is feeling the ill effects and I am not.  

Anyway, right now he is very fearful of how it might affect his relationship with my son.  

I told him that this would be a good time to "practice" an apology since there is no longer any pressure.  LOL  I used to crave an acknowledgement and an apology, but I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to move on without one.  So, now I no longer need one and it changed how I viewed this betrayal.