Lashing Out In Anger

Recently in another thread on this forum....I heard a heartfelt cry for something that really made me stop and think.  Saying your sorry repeatedly as a means to somehow make up for the times that we ADD'ers fall short in our relationships....somehow loses it meaning if it is not recieved in a way that the other person really feels that it is sincere.   As it was described.....this is not really making up for anything.  It's just apeizing the anger Gods in the moment and not doing much of anything for the other person who is on the recieving end.....espeially when it keeps happening.  I decided to go take a look at the other side of things for a change and see what they are saying about all of this.  In another forum that has more predominantly people with ADHD and fewer non-ADHD folks contributing.  In a thread (as shown below) I had the opportunity to say a couple things speaking directly to people who have ADHD like myself.  I thought it might be nice to here this from the other side taking in what I have concluded from the time I have spent listening and reading what people have to say on both sides of the "anger issue"  from those of us who struggle with this issue on our end...and for everyone else who has to deal with this on the recieving end.

And if there is any question or doubt that I have not been listening to the non ADHD'ers and the spouses who are married to us.....this one's for you.  Thanks for being my eyes for things that are not always that easy to see.

Re: Anyone else lash out at times to family members/S.O. and don't realize it?  (thread started by anonymous person with ADHD)

(my response mid thread)

Yep...what you said....take ownership of yourself and admit when you are wrong and apologize. That includes all of your ADHD behaviors no matter what the reason. And not to belabor the comment you made about Narcissism, I only want to add one more thing to what's already been said and finish my own train of thought from my previous post.

side note: it does appear that this topic is getting thrown around on both sides of this issue and Narcissism is also being discussed there as well.

There's a BIG difference between Narcissistic behavior and having NPD like you said.....everyone acts in their own self interest at times and this could be construed as acting or being Narcissistic in the technical sense....and to a certain degree,  this would not be normal or healthy if you didn't for your own safety or well being. (healthy Narcissism?).

The delemma....(as I was attempting to say?) Is when others see (us) and our behavior and apply something else to it....which by default, is only what you know?

And if you have 95 out of 100 people sitting together in one big room, and the 5 people with ADHD start doing their thang....the first thing that is going to cross the minds of the other 95 people is not going to be ADHD. To the point....everyone including us understands a behavior that looks self serving or oblivious (or appears like you just don't care ) when they see it and they are going to attribute whatever label you like to it and jump to that conclusion.

The perfect analogy of how "perception" skews your thinking...

When the moon sits right off the horizon it appears bigger than when it is high in the sky.    Everyone knows that the moon did not grow in size (hopefully? lol ) ...including you.   But no matter how long you stare at it and try to change this phenomenon and resize it as you know it should be......knowing all of still looks like it's bigger and it has grown in size as your eyes see it.

That's perception hard at work and there's nothing you can do to change that except to tell yourself that your eyes are playing tricks on you and what you see is not what it appears to be.

In this same sense.....this is what is happening to the other 95 people in the room. They know what they know (and feel what they feel).... even if you tell them that it's different and can prove it to them.  But all the the proof in the world and every explanation you can provide them about ADHD and why it's not what they think they see is going to make any difference to this any more than the first time they saw it ......or change how they feel about it...... especially if you suddenly lose your ability to manage your own anger or irritation even if you have a good reason for it.

I think the only thing that will change how another person "feels" about this for them..... is an apology, accountability and taking ownership for it as you said.

Anything outside of that is only get to make them feel more annoyed at you than before I think?  Not doing it again of course would solve the problem entirely.....but until that day's kind of a no brainier here if you follow my train of thought?

Being humble helps along with an apology too.