Last Chance

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I just want to thank you guys for all the help and advice you have given me over the last couple of months. I have gone from being anxious, depressed, confused, lost, sad, grieving, to healthy. It's amazing. It really is. My relationship with my husband has been getting better and better over the last couple of months. 

Until this last week. I was contacted by a stranger on Facebook who sent me three screenshots of my husband's current online dating profile on Tinder. I didn't open the message until Monday morning. Thankfully I waited because I was on vacation in Dubai and my vacation was pretty great. I had done a lot of thinking about my relationship on the flights home in a practical, emotionally detached, risk-benefit kind of way. 

I confronted my husband. He says he set it up because he was lonely (I was gone for 24 hours at that point) and was feeling depressed and insecure that he was getting older, having erectile dysfunction issues and was in debt and overweight. He wanted to know if he was still desirable, that he still had it. He said he did some flirting but didn't call or have sex with anyone. After a couple of days, he shut it down because he felt stupid and deleted it. 

Unfortunately, I have no evidence to know whether this is true or not. And so I am left with a fairly tough decision... accept that this was a stupid mistake and try to move forward or abandon the work and the four years of marriage and my home and my life and start over again. 

The good thing is that he has been profusely apologetic and accepts full responsibility for his actions. He has not blamed me, which he usually does although he does point out it is difficult to be intimate with someone who was as stressed and negative as I was prior to the last few months. 

I have taken the wait and see approach. It really is up to him. He says he will go to counselling. He says he understand that this is kind of it for me. The last bit of slack I cut him.

He can take the victim, self-pity approach if he chooses. That is not my responsibility. That is his choice. I have only good things ahead of me in life. He can come along if he wants, or he can self fulfil his prophecy of failure. I am willing to love, I am willing to help, I am willing to support, but I am not willing to rescue or save. He can only do that himself.  

Hi DO....

I Love your outlook!

Commitment (faithfulness) has got to matter in a marriage...But without Forgiveness and Grace many marriage's that could end well never get the chance...

Wishing you the best...

C

Thank you C

Tonight, in a very damaging way I learned I am not willing to forgive him and work with him yet. Monday I found out about the dating app. Tuesday and Wednesday, he went to Search and Rescue. Thursday, he worked out of town. Friday through Monday he went skiing with a group of strangers (I was supposed to go, but backed out on Monday because I didn't think it would be healthy). Tonight, he came home at 8 pm and unpacked and started packing for going out of town again. 

 

Maybe I should have had more patience, no, actually, I should have had more patience. But I didn't. When he told me he was leaving for out of town, I lost my temper and started throwing things. In front of my 17 year old daughter. Who became extremely upset. 

Like J says, own it. I have failed. I am not strong enough to fulfill my vows. I am walking away right now. Separation first, we will see after. It is going to be a long road of self discovery and some anger management classes. Thank you for all your insight and advice. 

It's simple really DO

I did the same kind of things for too long...(anger out bursts based on her decisions that made my feelings a non issue) it came down to me having to decide a few things.. One, am I able and willing to accept this Independant life style of hers, that made me feel abandoned and lonely much of the time? or No? Secondly, is she trust worthy, and can I trust her based on everything I know about her? I decided yes for both, so I had to completely learn to accept her life style and more importantly, how to live peacefully and contented with in myself all the time, especially during these times she decides to head off on her own...There is no excuse for Anger, but it can definitely be our go to when we feel unappreciated, abandoned and not a priority for our spouse... I can tell u this, if I find my wife on a dating site after nine years of marriage... it's over..

i will pray for you 

C

Thank you for your prayers

I guess the issue is that I am willing on the surface, but not really able. And trust is definitely an issue. 

I would have thought I was strong enough to handle this, but apparently not. Good to know. 

Thank you for your prayers.