I just want to thank you guys for all the help and advice you have given me over the last couple of months. I have gone from being anxious, depressed, confused, lost, sad, grieving, to healthy. It's amazing. It really is. My relationship with my husband has been getting better and better over the last couple of months.
Until this last week. I was contacted by a stranger on Facebook who sent me three screenshots of my husband's current online dating profile on Tinder. I didn't open the message until Monday morning. Thankfully I waited because I was on vacation in Dubai and my vacation was pretty great. I had done a lot of thinking about my relationship on the flights home in a practical, emotionally detached, risk-benefit kind of way.
I confronted my husband. He says he set it up because he was lonely (I was gone for 24 hours at that point) and was feeling depressed and insecure that he was getting older, having erectile dysfunction issues and was in debt and overweight. He wanted to know if he was still desirable, that he still had it. He said he did some flirting but didn't call or have sex with anyone. After a couple of days, he shut it down because he felt stupid and deleted it.
Unfortunately, I have no evidence to know whether this is true or not. And so I am left with a fairly tough decision... accept that this was a stupid mistake and try to move forward or abandon the work and the four years of marriage and my home and my life and start over again.
The good thing is that he has been profusely apologetic and accepts full responsibility for his actions. He has not blamed me, which he usually does although he does point out it is difficult to be intimate with someone who was as stressed and negative as I was prior to the last few months.
I have taken the wait and see approach. It really is up to him. He says he will go to counselling. He says he understand that this is kind of it for me. The last bit of slack I cut him.
He can take the victim, self-pity approach if he chooses. That is not my responsibility. That is his choice. I have only good things ahead of me in life. He can come along if he wants, or he can self fulfil his prophecy of failure. I am willing to love, I am willing to help, I am willing to support, but I am not willing to rescue or save. He can only do that himself.