I've worked very hard over the last 5 years to try and understand what is going on in my wife's mind, how to deal with it, and way's to stop the conflict between us....I did most everything wrong the first 5 years of our marriage...I was lost, offended, and had no clue about this dead end, and hopeless mindset...(denial)...Fast forward to the last 5 years, and the place we've come today, is light years better than those early years.....Why?....Has she changed? Not much;)....But I have, simply put, it took me a long while to accept that she had no desire to do different....And even if she did, she was helpless in most instances to make lasting changes...
I've known this for quiet some time, but, I haven't shared it here, not in the matter of fact way I received it in my dreams last night...The best I have to offer myself for a peaceful existence, as it relates to my efforts living along side my wife and her behaviors, and the effects and denial of them, is acceptance. Once I proved to myself that I was helpless to DO or SAY anything to impact my W for change...All that was left, was acceptance, and self change....But even that (acceptance) is a band-aid...
So this is what I am trying to share....We spend years and years talking at the same time, and enduring all manner of dysfunctional activity (and taking part in it, I might add). But never seem to be able to have any lasting change...So we blame it on add/adhd...So how do we eliminate the chaos? Is it possible? Probably not all of it, because add/adhd is a real thing...But what can change is the denial of the effects of add/adhd on themselves, their spouse's and children. Attitude's can change for both parties, The whole focus of mind can change for both parties....Why do so many of us never get there?...It's not lack of self effort and worry I can tell you that for sure....
So speaking for our situation we have spent years, (over 10 now), passing out lollipops, and putting band-aids on these problems. And what do we get? We get momentary pacification at best....We get temporary relief for a while...But it never lasts for very long....So what is the answer? What can give my wife and I real lasting change? The spirit of carnal selfishness must die out, and be replaced with the spirit of love and life....When the working of a mind is such that it doesn't have the capacity to control itself, or even have a full awareness of itself...The spirit of that person better have something bigger going on with in it than themselves....If the spirit of pridefulness doesn't get replaced by a spirit of humility...Then our eye's never open...
The reason I have turned to hopelessness at times, when the relationship goes south, when we are both angry (pridefully defending our turf) and talking at the same time, is because the spirit that is driving us in those moments is helpless to produce anything but destruction....Yes, for my wife and I to experience the good life, it will always come out of the death of our stinking thinking because that spirit has no power for change....Just lollipops and band-aids...and we only apply those after the destruction is done....
c
Are you happy
Submitted by heavensblessings on
i don’t understand
Happy?
Submitted by c ur self on
I've never perceived happiness as a goal of mine....I just desire to love and be loved....In that I find great contentment....
c
No change until both sides are willing to work hard
Submitted by Brindle on
As the non ADHD spouse I can want lasting change and work hard on myself to make it so until I make myself sick with the preoccupation. But until my spouse also wants the change and is willing to work hard for it... there can be no change, lasting or otherwise.
So for now, the fact that I haven’t left and that I’m not treating him poorly is a sign of my willingness to keep working, should he come around one day. And my emotional retreat and boundaries are a sign that he can’t coast and expect to ignore the effect it has on us when he isn’t willing to work hard on his part.
Does he like the emotional retreat and boundaries? Does he recognize why they are there? No and no. There’s only blaming and defensiveness. So that’s tells you right there that lasting change - it’s laughable at this point. The end goal is so out of sight that it’s on a different continent.
I’m don’t get my hopes up for it anymore. It only causes me stress and drags me down to hopelessness when I watch month after month and year after year pass us.
I have many reasons to stay. I’m staying. But lasting change? I’ve given up on that for now. Its time to change my goals and build my life around another aim. He can join me if he ever decides to.
I hope you find some nuggets of joy and satisfaction
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Brin - I hope you find some nuggets of joy and satisfaction however serendipity may provide. Sometimes after hacking your way through the wilderness... you only find more wilderness. Sigh. I feel for you and, as aI suspect, do most on the forums.
Brin...I hear you....
Submitted by c ur self on
I think many of us (who are committed and stay) exhaust ourselves in this same manner (looking for lasting change, where there seems to be none coming) So the boundaries and the withdrawal starts...Which, to limit the conflict that transpires, because of selfish acts and out of control emotions...Boundaries are a must....And what is even worse then the sinful behaviors and disrespect is the denial of it....
I'm just convinced that there is a more excellent way! There is a way, that I can see the suffering of a mind that is locked in this terrible state....Pray for and have empathy for them, without making it mine...When this rebellious controlling spirit flares up out of no where, it's like time slows way down for me....When it exposes it self I am learning to go quiet and pray....This spirit can only feed (have life given to it) if it has something to devour...
Yes, I am convinced, that I can have a wonderful life (life given to me by a loving Father) regardless of the spirit that resides in her, her choices, and her mental make up....Real Love seeks to save the hurting, it never choices to be like them....
c