I would like to share a few thoughts concerning communication, and the frustration and anger that arises so often when our attempts to do so or so unfruitful and even damaging. In my study of why things are like they are, why we can't move past all the volatility I realize yet again the answer is with in me. Another painful dark corner of reality I've avoided like the plaque, (my own denial) because of the simple reason it's more truth than I can handle simply because I hate it so much.
Don't you hate to be forced to live in a way you really despise even when it's the wisest and in many cases the only choice for a peaceful existence?
The dilemma of living in a monogamous relationship with a person who's mind is unstable you never know what you will get from one minute to the next. What's the answer for living peacefully with this person? Is it even possible? Before I attempt to answer that lets look a few issues....
In my case w/ my wife she runs from strong independence, to strong co-dependence. Why? Why do I see it that away and why has it been so hard to deal with? The problem isn't the way she lives, the problem is my unwillingness to accept option number one as even being an option and doing what I would have to do to not be effected by it...Leave....
So what is the second best option...learn to live with it wisely and as peacefully as possible...How can I do that when I'm so sensitive that I struggle to move past her up and down emotional roller coaster life style?
I must accept the facts! The facts about my make-up and hers....I looked at a cartoon I think it's called Zits...The mother walks into the kitchen and screams JEREMY!!....There is this teenage guy setting there and he has food and garbage everywhere, Frig door left open etc...And he calmly keeps eating and says.."Sure go ahead and blame the teenager"....So when i saw this I didn't laugh at all...I saw us, I saw to people in denial....She couldn't accept the pig, and the pig didn't know it was a pig...The simple moral of this story is.....A pig is a pig no matter how many legs it has....And emotional wellness comes to me only when I live with the reality of this truth...As bad as I hate it, as much as it changes my life, if I can just accept it, I can be at peace.
Another thing I'm being forced to deal with (because it goes against my thinking) a Co-dependent mind isn't someone you want to take to seriously. When you're enabling them, baling them out...You will here how much they love you, all smiles:)...But when they can't get you to carry them in one of there foolish endeavors...You will be attacked either verbally or the pout of silence...It's a fact but will I accept it, and expect it so I can be at peace when it happens..Or will I like I do so often engage so deeply and blindly that I come apart when I'm attacked?
If a person's pursuit for happiness is predicated on another's actions that person is in for a miserable life...
C
I understand this
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Acceptance is best however, we have the weekly meltdown because as you said there is "The dilemma of living in a monogamous relationship with a person" who does not fulfill what we wanted out of marriage. I know that I would be happier with someone else who reciprocates the love I give and initiates the love I want. I know that out there is a man that doesn't make me cry in the dark every week or regret my decision to be with him. Yet, we stay out of compassion and a vow. It's painful, very painful when they see all is normal except you are screaming inside. There is always a void that isn't filled despite acceptance of THEIR limitations or denials or refusal to get help. In accepting, we still tend to lose. I am not being negative but when I talk myself into accepting, he is completely happy but I still get neglected, not seen, in exchange for his toys, tv, laptop, whatever his hyperfocus is. Just because he is happy that I am not nagging and going with the flow, doesn't mean he is putting for an effort. I am just letting go.
Just letting go....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Just letting go)...Nice way to say it....Screaming inside; understand this too:)....Going with the flow to keep from nagging...This sounds like a victim; and in reality it is to a point....All marriages in my view have these moments add or not...I was married 30 years to women with no add/adhd and it wasn't all roses...but nothing like this. Some of the differences between my late wife (non) and my present wife (add) My first wife was devoted, I never questioned her love for me. If I lived like my present wife I would be cheating and would not even care if she knew it. But in almost 8 years and all the fighting and 11 months of separation she said she hasn't cheated...And I have no reason to not believe her. 2) My first wife hardly ever raised her voice, loved her role as a wife, would take on the mundane things of daily life, things like the responsibility of cooking and cleaning (we shared in it)...My present wife lives like a lazy man who thinks he is above doing house work or concerning himself about meals...My wife just fixes herself something to eat and never considers if I'm hungry or if I've eaten...Part of this is because its just how she thinks (or don't think) plus our schedules are so different. I've spoiled her because I'm so efficient in the kitchen and home...Life is a competition to my wife, if she can't be the best, she want play...3) Here is the difference that is the most debilitating to having a happy marriage by far...My first wife could listen, she cared about my feelings. She fully respected me as the husband and head of the home...She new in her heart of hearts I had our family's best interest at heart, even when I messed up she showed respect....My wife now can't hear, she can't trust, shows very little respect. She's seems tormented my a mind that has no ability to be what she see's in her friends with healthy marriages (we have many). The double killer is the denial...This is why I've got accept her...I was allowing the expectations I was placing on her to torment me also...I don't want to be another poster who gets stuck in a box that is not reality. I want to understand her. I want to understand the limitations our two realities are placing on our ability to communicate and be in unity of mind, body and spirit....I don't want to live thinking I can change her. I want to be at peace. I want to just love her...Even if that love means we have very little verbal communication...If a husband or wife lives in a mind that is blind or refuses to accept the role God's word has laid out for each of them; there will always be a measure of dysfunction in the relationship. So much so at times the discomfort of their presents is way worse than an empty house....
C
Happines vs Compromise NGLM
Submitted by kellyj on
I only wanted to comment on one thing you said and offer a different conclusion than the one you made here........I am not being negative but when I talk myself into accepting, he is completely happy but I still get neglected, not seen, in exchange for his toys, tv, laptop, whatever his hyperfocus is. Just because he is happy that I am not nagging and going with the flow, doesn't mean he is putting for an effort. I am just letting go.
Specifically this last part..... he is completely happy but I still get neglected, not seen, in exchange for his toys, tv, laptop, whatever his hyper focus is. Just because he is happy that I am not nagging and going with the flow
When I was in denial....it was all I knew. Happiness is a relative term under those circumstance. Relieved would be a better description about the nagging part. The experience of having others on you all the time is horrible.....the stress and anxiety of it can send you into a really dark place having ADHD with very few options to escape the feeling that this has for you. Withdrawing into your own world and retreating from your partner is the only choice you have at times just trying manage and counter act this experience and try to be....just OKAY. This becomes a full time job just doing that and the only thing you get from it is just being Okay. Nothing to write home about as they say.
Being just Okay is not being happy. Ignorant bliss would be another word for being just Okay. That's what denial does for you.....it serves to protect you from the reality that you have to face which is not pleasant and doesn't feel good. At times.....this would be a gross understatement.
These problems come from us sometimes.....because we are just trying to hang on and not fall off the cliff....they become a means for survival and a means to try and manage our symptoms especially when you are growing up and have no clue. But even later when you are no longer a kid....the reality starts to sink in that something is wrong since you try to fix these issues and you can't. Not by yourself and not without some help.
But if that's all you know....you don't know that it can be better. Better means actually being happy and managing your symptoms well both at the same time.
I will bet your H is not truly happy in the real sense of what that means. Momentary or temporary relief from not feeling out of control and a respite from anxiety is more like it. That's a poor compromise to actually being happy.
In respect for you and what you said....I really believe at this point in time....based on what I know of myself and my past before I went and got help and treatment.....that what I thought of as "happy" was not happy at all. What I thought of as happy was exactly what I said..... a vacation from not feeling horrible all the time.......and at least for the moment and until you find better way to replace it....that's as good as it gets when you are in denial. This is one adaptive strategy that does help do this for you but the only way to be truly happy is to find a different way to do it which allows you to do it in a way that you have never done before. Once you experience that.....there's no going back.
On a personal level....you're right....you have to compromise something or give up something to be in a relationship with your H right now because he is not happy. That's the only part that I have to disagree with as I said.....but not if he were to find out how to be happy and with you at the same time.....that is also part of what you said about the gap you mentioned. Like him....you know nothing different and can't know what it would be like if he were to discover the same thing I have done for myself.
If you had to make this compromise knowing that it would be better for sure....it would be much easier to do knowing the pay off will come. But you can't know that until you get there and to get there you need to do exactly what you are doing and make that compromise? The only way this works and the only way that it becomes a loss is if you get there and the pay off doesn't come......but that hasn't happened yet until you decide that the time has run out and it's over for you.
Even if you left him right now or just decided to quit but stay in your relationship anyway.....it never stops being over for him. Using myself here as the example and taking into consideration my ex wife. She quit before the miracle happened and she is the one who lost all things considered.... since I have never stopped and don't ever plan to. For me personally....it only gets better countless ways across the board and nothing has gotten worse since then. My wife now reaps the benefits of all of this despite the parts about my ADHD that I am still working on and improving. The second you say "I can't".......it's over. "I can't" is the same as saying "I won't" in my book.
It's all about the future.....if everything is based on right now this very minute....well then there's not much you can say. Faith in yourself and in your H is what is needed to fill in those gaps you mentioned but if your H is really doing nothing and he says he "can't" or "he won't" then.....that's a horse of a different color. In that case.....I probably would choose not to be with an unhappy person in denial the rest of my life either....but if he knew that there was a promise of something better.....he might be motivated to have that same faith for himself and try to do what ever he could to get there. I think the not knowing it could be better is the thing that makes that faith very difficult to come by. If there is anything missing here on your H's end of things....it would be that faith that he needs to overcome his obstacles in order to do it.
I also believe that just like the effect that our ADHD does seem to have almost through osmosis.......happiness and faith are also contageous in the same way. If you H was truly happy......you get that through him the same way which is not what you are getting....if it were, you'd know that too:)
IMHO
J
Thank you for that insight.
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you for that insight. You know, you are right. When I say my husband is "happy", that certainly isn't the case. He is miserable daily, hates himself, thinks he is a failure and all of it stems from his childhood and his disorders. I guess what I mean is momentarily content. This is mostly when he is watching tv or on a gadget, video game that keeps his mind occupied in a world of fantasy or non-judgmental situations. It's a daily thing though. everyday I wonder what mood he will be in or if he will drop or spill something that will send him into a "woe is me" episode. The thing is that he knows he needs more rest since he is an insomniac, he knows he needs to find a steady job instead of relying on PT jobs that fizzle out every year, he knows he suffers from childhood issues but because he has good moments, he doesn't feel a need to address these things with a therapist, which he thinks are all evil, or take meds, which he believes will alter his behavior for the worst and make him a zombie.
I have been through hell since 2013, not with his issues, but from my own meltdown stemming from 23 years (now 25 1/2 years) of marriage and the tantrums and self-loathing that he has had. It took a toll and I disconnected so much that had not family and friends noticed a difference, we would be divorced right now. I am grateful that I got my second wind and I am learning a lot about myself, how not to react/over-react and just see through his issues. Accept, have compassion, and realize that what I was promised by him is not exactly what I got but I am trying to just focus on the good that other people outside our marriage love about him since these are the things that I loved about him when we were dating. Of course, the other people haven't seen what I have over the years but I am working on not taking these things personally. It would be wonderful to have him take steps to get help for himself but I do not see this happening. I have spoken to him about this and he says "yeah yeah" or "no way", he won't even take a sleeping pill even though he knows it would help him be more productive. I remind him to apply for work since it will get harder to find work the older he gets and he feels he can get us through the Winter on money he hoarded during the on season of his job (he is a DJ). This happens every year like clockwork. I have gotten to the point that if he says he can continue to pay half the bills and not find off season work or even a regular weekly job, then I will have to believe that. I don't want to continue to frustrate him and myself by daily asking if he applied for work. It makes me very nervous though since he waits til the last minute a lot of times. He has a hard time keeping jobs due to personality conflicts. His resume is all over the place due to this and there are a lot of gaps. I hold down the job with benefits and he sleeps in and works about 10-15 hrs a week at a PT job that keeps telling him they may not be able to keep him. But he doesn't apply for any of the jobs I find for him and he doesn't look for any jobs even though he says he has to find something. So I have just stopped doing the work since it's exhausting.
All that being said, it's hard to have faith in someone when they have no faith in themselves to do better or change their future. I know he loves me, we have nice moments, when he is not at his best, now I just try to control my reactions. What else can I do that doesn't involved abandoning him?
Thank you for your words.