Yesterday, I was outdoors on our yard at the home I am fortunate enough to live in. I asked myself, "Why have you not been happy here?" I am ashamed of myself for not being able to be happy and more appreciative all these years.
For one thing, I was a slave to my own feelings and emotions. I flowed with emotions and thought it was a good thing like a dancer, an artiste, a poetess a song-writer. I am artistic and that is part of art....expressing the feelings good and bad. But that perspective of life coupled with any outside force that is negative (ah...I just wrote naggative...another perspective) makes for some real "Town without Pity, Cryin' in the Rain, Stop in the Name of Love" kind of isolated "soul stuck". Even outside of my life/marriage, I would have "felt" the barbs (imagined or real) that would bring me down.
I am so old to learn this so late. - It is part of maturity/growing up that brings a person to the ability and habit of stepping outside of the feelings and looking at yourself and letting the feelings come and wash over and asking yourself, "What am I feeling? Why am I feeling like that? What do I want to do about it, if anything? How can I look at this without losing myself?"
This process is helping me a great deal. Like this:
What am I feeling? Outrage, resentment, worry, fear, disgust.
Why am I feeling that way? There is something in my life that is not OK with who I am, who I want to be. I am afraid for the loss of my heart, my identity, my financial future, my integrity to myself.
What are you afraid of? That I am not loved. That I am not beloved. That I am not loveable.
What do you want to do about it? I want to be loved.
How can you do that - be loved - be beloved? I can't make DH love me...too late....too much water of that dam (damn). But I can find places where I AM appreciated, where I am seen and heard, where I can love the things I do and say, find situations where I can still excel, where I can still appreciate beauty and art..... on and on. Look for it where it may appear and stop expecting it where it will not appear.
- Just sharing some of the growth I have done since the first days I signed up on the board and was crying every day, feeling stuck and pitiful and paralyzed.
This resonates so much with
Submitted by SweetandSour on
This resonates so much with me - I want to say "hashtag - me too"! Very well put - thankyou. I hope you find some love somewhere that fills up the spaces.
Feeling Stuck
Submitted by So Very Lonely on
I have been in my marriage for 32 years and my husband and I always got along fine. He was financially stable and he and I agreed that I would stay home and raise the kids, as I was told, that we were financially fine. I am a very proud woman and like being in control of my life, but my husband, who is partial owner of a company and takes care of the bills, always made it seem, like things were fine. His behavior has gotten so odd the last few years and finally he was diagnosed with ADHD, which he thought was a complete insult to him. I was actually relieved because then I knew it just wasn't that he purposely was thoughtless. He seems to care what everybody thinks and wants everyone to think that he's a "nice" guy, which he is, but wants people to believe that he is financially well off and very "smart." After raising 2 kids, alone, because he didn't know what to do, ever, I thought our life was going to get back to us. Well, I was wrong.....I was told that we needed to "watch" our finances, although, he would never talk to me about them. and get irritated if I asked. When I would ask, he was always vague and if I persisted, he recently started just leaving the house because he needed to "unwind," which meant going out and getting drunk. This was never him and because he doesn't talk and I am financially dependent on him, I am scared to death. I am in my upper 50's now and I have no college degree or have I ever worked during our marriage. I started noticing this odd behavior, when we would talk about things that needed to be fixed with our home, and he would tell me, "down the road," or how we would have such great things once the kids were on their own. The man purchased something that was worth $300,000.00 and preceded to tell me that he thought he deserved it?! I couldn't believe he actually said that to me. I have never just gone out and purchased anything that I felt he needed to know, without asking him. I have always been considerate and appreciative of everything I have ever been given. When I was pregnant and we were looking to purchase a home, I found many things wrong with it, that I thought would cause problems down the road, but he was adamant about getting it, reassuring me, that we would be able to fix everything, but 15 years later, sold the house, without the things he said we would fix. We built our next home, because I thought we were able to, according to him, for him to say, once we moved in, that we couldn't afford furniture, but not to worry because down the road, we would. I found furniture on sale, repaired and repainted them, having them looking brand new. I have never done work like this before, but thanks to Pinterest, learned a lot. He has always been used to just paying someone to have things fixed and as things got tighter, I realized he didn't know how to do anything himself. This was a real eye-opener and just shocking because he would always brag to people just how very smart he was and with an exceptional high IQ. If that wasn't bad enough, if there were ever a case where I had a disagreement with someone, he would always try to explain to me their side, agree with them, in front of the person, but when we would be alone, agree with me. When I asked him about this, he told me that he didn't like confrontations. What???? There was something horrible that happened to someone we love and instead of him getting mad, like any normal male would, he just said that it hurt him inside. I cannot believe that this is the same person I married. When I met him, I was not really interested, but he persisted and I grew to love him. I was never one to date someone just for money, but rather a person that was emotionally there. It seems that while he was financially fine at the beginning of our relationship, everything appeared normal, but as things started to go badly, financially, I would be told that we needed to "watch." I would ask him what that meant and he would be evasive, keeping things to himself. One time, he actually took the money out of our daughter's bank, to pay bills, without telling her, but with the intentions of paying her back. When she found that her account was empty, she thought someone else hacked her account. I was so embarrassed because I had no clue that we were in such a bad way. He never takes accountability, but rather blames it on the economy, his upbringing, or anyone else that he can think of. I have spent my time at home refurbishing the best way I know how and you would be shocked with just how much work I have done. When friends come over, they tell me how lucky I am to have a husband that gives me so much - I want to throw up! He totally lacks common sense and when I give him ideas, he will act like they are his own. Well, crap has really hit the fan, I guess, because now, I am told that we could possibly end up losing our house, but of course does not blame himself. I am very understanding and can handle just about anything, but like I told him, I can't handle something when I don't know what is happening. As of now, yesterday, he came home from work, without the common courtesy of texting me that he was going to be late, after I made dinner for him, and was drunk. He gets very mentally abusive when he's drunk and this is becoming a regular routine. It's not uncommon for him to sleep 10-12 hours a night, but acts like he is the only person that works on this earth. I work endlessly, at home, cleaning, mowing, doing all sorts of chores, painting, putting in new fixtures, so that he won't have to, but I now feel like the hired help. I ask him if he even loves me and he swears up and down that he does. I also workout endlessly so that I still appear attractive to him, but he just seems to not care., but does when others take notice. I am so worn out, trying to do everything and all I want, is for him to communicate. Last night, he came home drunk, and all I did was ask him why he didn't text me and he went off on me, locked himself in the bedroom, woke up this morning and told me that he needed to get out and unwind, which to me seems like he needs to drink?! I have no idea if he is even coming home tonight. If I ever really need him, he doesn't answer his calls or texts. I am actually scared to death, that if anything happens to me physically, he wouldn't know what to do and that scares me! I can't believe this is the person I married and I feel like he took my life away from me. If he was honest from the beginning, maybe I could have gone back to school or gotten some sort of career so I could have helped financially, but he always insisted that we were fine and that things would get better, that it was just a temporary problem. He told anyone that would listen, that his wife didn't need to work and I was stupid enough to believe him!:( I admired him tremendously at the beginning of our marriage, but as things started unfolding, I feel like I'm living with a stranger that has lived in a fantasy world and it has been a shock to my system, to say the least. I feel so trapped and alone. I don't even think I want to go on anymore. My brain never stops thinking and I have no family that is there for me!:( I have no access to our banking account and he only tells me what he feels I should know. I hate my life and rather be dead at this point! I don't think I would be missed!:(