Yesterday, I was outdoors on our yard at the home I am fortunate enough to live in. I asked myself, "Why have you not been happy here?" I am ashamed of myself for not being able to be happy and more appreciative all these years.
For one thing, I was a slave to my own feelings and emotions. I flowed with emotions and thought it was a good thing like a dancer, an artiste, a poetess a song-writer. I am artistic and that is part of art....expressing the feelings good and bad. But that perspective of life coupled with any outside force that is negative (ah...I just wrote naggative...another perspective) makes for some real "Town without Pity, Cryin' in the Rain, Stop in the Name of Love" kind of isolated "soul stuck". Even outside of my life/marriage, I would have "felt" the barbs (imagined or real) that would bring me down.
I am so old to learn this so late. - It is part of maturity/growing up that brings a person to the ability and habit of stepping outside of the feelings and looking at yourself and letting the feelings come and wash over and asking yourself, "What am I feeling? Why am I feeling like that? What do I want to do about it, if anything? How can I look at this without losing myself?"
This process is helping me a great deal. Like this:
What am I feeling? Outrage, resentment, worry, fear, disgust.
Why am I feeling that way? There is something in my life that is not OK with who I am, who I want to be. I am afraid for the loss of my heart, my identity, my financial future, my integrity to myself.
What are you afraid of? That I am not loved. That I am not beloved. That I am not loveable.
What do you want to do about it? I want to be loved.
How can you do that - be loved - be beloved? I can't make DH love me...too late....too much water of that dam (damn). But I can find places where I AM appreciated, where I am seen and heard, where I can love the things I do and say, find situations where I can still excel, where I can still appreciate beauty and art..... on and on. Look for it where it may appear and stop expecting it where it will not appear.
- Just sharing some of the growth I have done since the first days I signed up on the board and was crying every day, feeling stuck and pitiful and paralyzed.