I am finally ready to get off this ADHD merry go round, exhausted and disorientated with life. My husband has so many great qualities but I cannot cope with the instability of our relationship any longer. It is like having a cross awkward, dopey child one minute and an overexcited child with tunnel vision the next. I never feel I can rely on him to be a husband that I can turn to, for him to take the lead. He is wonderfully loving to me and my children but has caused us so much pain. Cheating, drugs, alcohol, lying...you name it he's put us through it. Although he is trying his very best to put it all right I have to call it a day almost 3 years after everything was revealed as I am spent.
As much as I want to have empathy for his condition I want some happiness and stability. Has anyone out there given in and felt enormous relief or massive regret?
my question first would be is
Submitted by Tflep on
my question first would be is he medicated, or does he refuse medication. or for that matter is he even in therapy? I would hate to see someone throw in the towel before all options have been exhausted, being that my therapist had told me before that leaving a relationship where there were still things that could have been done may in most cases lead to regret. Im not trying to judge so please i mean no disrespect.
also Make sure you take care of your self. We can be exhausting to live with, especially when we have the anger problems. Either way you go with your relationship i would recommend seeing a therapist if you have the ability. they can help you work threw what will or is a very difficult situation.
Tflep
Submitted by Yorkshire Lass on
Thankyou for your advice, he is not medicated and we are at a loss as to where to get counselling with ADHD experience. We live in the UK where there is still a lot of scepticism. Over the years we have had relationship counselling and have had alcohol counselling advised but they then told him that it wasn't alcohol but relationship issues. We just seem to get passed on and I end up looking like some kind of control freak whilst he is chilled and care free?
I do need to take care of myself as i take on too much responsibility. I have to get better for my children's sake, they love their Dad and I don't want to be responsible for breaking their hearts too.
Thanks
It's a bit of both...
Submitted by Janice1512 on
Yorkshire Lass, I'm really sorry for all you've been through. I ended my relationship with my ADHD partner of several years about a month ago. It's a bit up and down. Most days I'm really glad to have gotten off the never-ending roller coaster ride. Not having to deal with the constant chaos, the crazy lifestyle, the poor judgment and the trail of broken promises, has in most ways been a huge relief. Regrettably, we have somewhat entangled finances at present and had previously agreed to tried to "remain friends." That hasn't worked so well. As of yesterday evening and this morning, I've had to change that dynamic as he simply will not honor respectable boundaries. Since we broke up he's asked me to work to get his will redone since we've now broken up, asked me to help him set up his portfolio now that we're separating our finances, and has repeatedly called me for "comfort" due to the loss of our relationship. It's as though he thinks we're still together, but that I've now given him a hall pass to go date other women. Seriously? It's things such as this that reaffirm my decision to break up and move on.
That said, there are days that I miss him like hell. You do remember some good times. My ex-ADHD partner had a lot of really fantastic qualities. He was smart, fun-loving, and we shared many interests. Over the last few days, probably because I've had to terminate our "friendship", I've been thinking back to the early days of our relationship which were so blissful, although I now understand that it was just a "hyperfocus" episode. My ADHD partner seems to view relationships as an acquisition no different than a car, jet ski or pet - get excited about it, play with it for a while, and then throw it in the garage indefinitely. Yes, I've taken the dog... As the whole "hyperfocus"/early relationship bliss was quite real for me, remembering those good times makes me very sad and makes me want to recapture that with him even though I know it's impossible. I guess that's the saddest part of this whole thing. It's knowing that it's cancer. It would be one thing if the patient would do chemo, radiation, or even surgery, but when he chooses to do absolutely nothing....
All in all, it's been worth the pain of the breakup. Honestly, if I'd had children with him, I'd probably have left sooner. I have watched him parent my "step-kids" over the last 6 years (both of whom are probably ADHD like him) and the dysfunction is mind-blowing! Whether your own children are ADHD or not, I cannot believe that inconsistent parenting, years of broken promises and poor discipline are ever a good thing. As good as you are covering for his constant misconduct, your children know...they probably know a lot more than you think they do. What kind of a message does his misconduct send to them?
Janice, thankyou for this
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Janice, thankyou for this post. Seeing as I just made that decision for myself, i am going through all of the whole "is this the right thing - will I be happier" and questioning everything. I KNOW in my head I will be eventually and that i might regain some of what I have lost, like confidence, self worth and feeling Alone by CHOICE and not while pretending to be with someone. It was the same with me - the first few months total hyperfocus fairy tale come true. And almost imediately, literally over night it all stopped for me. What can I do. He is like a zombie. No reaction, no emotions about all this. He says it affects him, but when he is running around chipper like he hasnt a care in the world and laughing with friends on the phone while I am sitting at my desk quietly sobbing I just dont see how he can even say he is affected. He knows things are done for sure, and he hasnt even tried to stop me from walking out of his life. Just "sorry". Not a single, please lets talk about this, please dont leave - nothing. I think he is relieved. I know eventually i will be too. But I am sad for him and sad for what I thought we had. I have to mourn both.
ANd I know forever I will wonder what would have happened if he just had taken those stupid pills.
I totally feel you...being
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
I totally feel you...being sad for him and sad for what we had...I am right there with you.
And the "What if" with the pills...yes. I am a master at the "What If" game, as toxic as it is...I am trying to get better about that. I am stuck in a phase (though I can sometimes see the light at the end of it) of wishing I knew sooner about what ADHD meant (he joked about having it, but it wasn't until a few months ago that I started putting 2 and 2 together and dove into research and BAM! Clear as day to me...but I don't think he has any idea what ADHD really even means...he wouldn't get diagnosed, read a book, admit it anymore, anything...) So, I wish I knew sooner, since now it all seems so clear...then maybe my anger wouldn't have escalated...maybe he wouldn't have walked away without a word...maybe maybe maybe...but after reading so much here, it is obvious what a herculean effort it would have taken for us to be ok and he wouldn't even take one step...so deep down it's a moot point to even wonder "what if". BUT I get it...my mind wants to go there all the time!
This is where I'm at also. My
Submitted by devilsangel on
This is where I'm at also. My guy IS medicated, but I know it's not working. The only thing he'll go for is upping it, but is scared to try something different because it might not work. How the heck do you convince them that it might actually work better than not at all?
He was diagnosed with ADD long before I came along, but has never really known what it means, other than that the meds help him go, go, go at work. Without them, he'd just want to watch tv & nap. He told me once that he tried a therapist, but that didn't work so he wasn't doing that again...well back 10 years ago when he was diagnosed, I'm sure there wasn't as much info about adult ADD and he lives in a small town, so I'm sure it really didn't work...and being black & white, if one don't work, NONE will. It's a huge what if, what if, what if, maybe, maybe but reasoning with an ADD person can sometimes be worse than trying to reason with a 2 year old. It just can't be done without someone throwing a temper tantrum. ;)
I was doing so good at helping him see things could be different and then we had some issues with generic brands changing and making him extremely irritable for a month before we realized it was a different brand and then it all went downhill from there. So, talk about what ifs and maybes...
This has been my week of "what ifs"
Submitted by Janice1512 on
I had been doing phenomenally well with the breakup (happened Xmas eve when ADHD domestic partner left me alone for the holidays on short notice to visit his ex-wife, former in-laws and kids. WTF?) until this week. Over the weekend, I confronted him. How could it be that in all the years he's been seeing a psychiatrist, why has the psychiatrist never pointed out that he had ADHD? Well, apparently, they had had that discussion, but since ADHD BF thought it was a made up condition, he never bothered to follow up on it. Really? We've been together for 6 years, we've been struggling the last 4, been in marriage counseling for 3, and I'm just now hearing this for the first time? I cannot even express my anger.
For the last several days, all I can think about is what if: what if he'd told me, what if he'd actually followed up on the diagnosis, what if he'd been properly medicated, what if our therapist had known and could we have done something differently to save our relationship? Since the breakup ADHD BF has been calling me every day, asking for help with this, asking for help with that, and acting as though nothing has changed. He wants to come visit me and our pets. As we still have financial entanglements, I've tried to remain friends and be accommodating. Tuesday, I told him I could not go on like this. I cannot be in a relationship as friends when he doesn't understand what the boundaries of friends looks like. I've remained friends with ever guy I've ever dated except an ex-husband of 17 years who was a real narcissistic wacko and who has thankfully fled the country due to some serious legal issues. It's not hard.... So, last night I finally ask him, "so you want to continue talking all the time, coming to visit, having me take care of your personal s%^t etc., does this mean you want to try again?" ADHD BF says "NO, it's been great being broken up because I don't feel any pressure, but I still want to be with you." F%^&!!! Apparently the conversations of the last few days have been wasting my breath. I honestly don't think he's comprehended a word I've said. I don't enjoy living in limbo.
Unfortunately, I think the "what ifs" are better substituted with "this will not improve, so move on." Sad, but true. I can only hope that the "what ifs" phase will pass quickly and I can resolve our finances so that I can just walk away and not be involved. I'd rather just move passed this relationship and try to have some positive memories of our early days. UGH! How does everyone else cope with this?
Sometimes it crosses my mind
Submitted by devilsangel on
Sometimes it crosses my mind that it actually is easier to be friends. I used to get yelled at about once every 6weeks, but now I don't. Mine was a long distance thing so now instead of 4 wknds, it's been 2 wknds a month...leaving the other 2 that I can do something fun with my kids that he wouldn't have otherwise enjoyed. He's planning to go fishing and hiking with us and we're planning on camping a couple times. I don't really like the whole limbo thing either, but I know that I won't be out looking for a new man anytime soon. Being friends with the one crazy one I do know seems like just enough for now. Maybe it's easier to have that perspective since we were a long distance thing. I'm not sure I could go from 30 days a month to 4, but going 8 days to 4, with no yelling, seems like an ok deal to me...for now. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I want to just walk away...
Massive Relief!!!
Submitted by lynnie70 on
I was married 4 years to him and have been divorced about a year and a half. He made lots of money, but the reality was that he was a pathological liar, a sex addict, and he raged at me and finally hit me when I tried to talk to him about "our" problems. We went to lots of counseling -- practically nonstop, in fact. Didn't change the spots on the leopard.
Yeah, we had some really good times, but funny thing is, when I try to remember the good times, all the bad things just flood into my mind! When I was with him, I thought there was so much good in the relationship. Since I have been out and overcome my PTSD-type trauma, have made new friends, have retired from my job, and have recovered my shredded self esteem, I realize the good was a fantasy, not reality. The things I actually believed at the time astound me now when I realize how gullible I was.
Less than a year after our divorce, he was married to Number 5. Hurray! Actually was a blessing because I never could look back -- someone else's problem now.
Few people really change because of someone else. If he changes for you, my bet is he will also return to his bad behaviors "because of you." I really think we sometimes overestimate an ADHD person's ability to change. It comes with some real disabilities.
Trying too hard
Submitted by jennalemon on
"I realize the good was a fantasy, not reality. The things I actually believed at the time astound me now when I realize how gullible I was."
This is what I am starting to realize I had been doing too. I am feeling stupid now for trying so hard to believe in him that I stopped believing in myself.
Jennalemon - your comment is
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Jennalemon - your comment is profound and so painfully true. I hope you have learned to believe in your self again.
Alanis
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
I'm a huge Alanis Morissette fan.
"...I stopped believing in myself."
That line instantly made me think of the line in this song where she says "Staying with you meant deserting me."
I have cried over this song for YEARS...over a past relationships and now for this one...
"That Particular Time"
My foundation was rocked
My tried and true way to deal was to vanish
My departures were old
I stood in the room shaking in my boots
At that particular time love had challenged me to stay
At that particular moment I knew not run away again
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you
At that particular time
We thought a break would be good
For four months we sat and vacillated
We thought a small time apart
Would clear up the doubts that were abounding
At that particular time love encouraged me to wait
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient
That particular month we needed time to marinate in what 'Us' meant
At that particular time
I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
And yet I wanted to save us high water or Hell
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
And in the meantime I lost myself, in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself, I am
You knew you needed more time
Time spent alone with no distraction
You felt you needed to fly solo and high
To define what you wanted
At that particular time love encouraged me to leave
At that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
That particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
At that particular time