I'm new here and seeking advice from others who have been or are in a relationship with someone with ADHD. I'll try to condense this! I was with my ex boyfriend for about 15 months. It truly seemed like a lifetime and I thought he was the one. (I'm 29 and have been in several long-term relationships, my longest was 6 years. I haven't really been single since I was about 16, and when I was, it was for a couple of months. Part of this likely has to do with dysfunctional parents growing up and having to assume the role of an adult in a lot of instances....)
Back to the ex, I started noticing ADHD behaviors from the start, but kinda shoved them under the rug. I never actually realized ADHD was a thing until I started dating him, it wasn't until we were months into the relationship I had asked him if he was ever diagnosed. He admitted he had been in high school, but the meds made him tired so his parents took him off of them and did not pursue further therapy/meds. Ex is 30 years old and when we broke up I gave him a month to move out. That ended up turning into a month and a week since he didn't have everything lined up. Ex has been reaching out to me via text and other social media apps. I explained recently we needed to limit contact as it wasn't healthy for either one of us. Ex was very sad and said I was his best friend and he didn't like where this was all headed.
The reason I decided to leave was because of the forgetfulness (some dangerous situations unintentionally occurred while dating him such as catching the grill on fire, leaving car on while garage door was down...), inability to understand social cues (would talk excessively to the point people would tune completely out), inability to follow through (would tell me something, but then forget about it, and wouldn't follow through unless I constantly reminded), family issues (his immediate family had some dysfunction that made me run)...so, my anxiety spiked and I was in a constant state of wondering if something was going to go wrong. Ex is not on medicine and only started to see a therapist after I urged him to do so, or I couldn't be with him. However, he was extremely loving, communicative, had a sense of humor, fun and spontaneous and we enjoyed going on weekend getaways together. We never fought and were both always able to express how we felt maturely. I will miss this immensely about him....
Ex also has history of jumping from one job to another and is very self-loathing and hard on himself. I was told by several of his family members I was the best thing to ever happen to him, he even told me I am the only girl whose cared enough to help him and he still thinks I'm the love of his life. I tried to stick it out and have been ruminating for over 6 months. I saw a therapist 3 times to get outside opinions and all I got out of that was, "you are young, you sound like these incompatibilities are deal breakers for you, and if you're this stressed and anxious you should consider a break from the relationship...) We definitely had a connection I can't describe, I truly did and do love him, but, I felt like I was taking care of him. Not in an extreme sense, but for his emotional well-being. I started to become depressed and like noted previously, my anxiety soared. I started to become isolated because I was embarrassed to go out with him, and we were never invited out to do things by any of his connections other than his family occasionally. Although I'm unsure if I'll ever have kids, I was scared that adding a child to the mix with him would be overwhelming. I started to become scared at the thought of marriage.
When we split up, I gave him a month to move out of my home, and when he moved out, he was still messaging me daily. We were and are amicable so it wasn't a surprise. I eventually had to tell him we needed to limit communication for our mental health. He was very sad and said I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose our connection. He has been removed from my FaceBook but still remains on other social media platforms,
SO. I'm reaching out to others who have experienced this since I don't have any friends who have. I don't know anyone in my life who has been in this kind of situation, where you have a great connection with someone, but feel like you're going crazy. Do any of you find yourself in a similar situation? I feel really low right now because I don't want to seem like I'm being too picky with my relationships, but I definitely wasn't feeling like my best-self with him. I think the hardest part is that we DO have so much in common and he would never cheat on me or hurt me. I'm also very unhappy with my career currently and having more or less a mid-life crisis. I don't know where I want to go or what my calling truly is or how to pursue it at the moment, so I feel like a mixture of different things going on is making me really sad. He had an appointment with a therapist to talk about medicine but canceled it after I broke up with him. I asked him why and he said because he had too much going on. Yes, that's true, because he started a new job, but, it made me think he was only interested in medicine because of ME. I want him to do it for him.
If anyone can please offer support and advice I would love to connect either through this forum or via email!