Letter to my husband: I have reached the end.

Dear ADD Husband:

I don't want you to leave.

But I think it would probably be the best thing for both of us.

I have a tremendous amount of anger and hurt and resentment and I know it has negatively impacted almost every interaction that we have/had.  I truly believe that a lot of those feelings have been generated by something that is beyond your control (adhd).  But I don't know how not to take it personally, nor do I know that I'd ever be able to learn how to.  Maybe I'm just not a big enough person.

I do know that I want to feel like a person again.  Not a nothing.  Not like your mother.  Not like an object of ridicule.

I want to feel like I will have some sort of a future.
Something more than just continued struggling.
I want to feel like someday, I/we might be able to live someplace of my/our own choosing.
I want to not have to worry about our utilities being shut off every month and about the IRS seizing what little we do have.
I want to be able to avail ourselves of services for which we easily qualify, without the stress level being suicidally high every time.
I want our kids to grow up with more stability and security than they have now.  More than anything, I want this.

I don't know if you leaving is going to lend itself to any of that, but I am pretty sure that "being pleasant" is never, ever going to provide or contribute to any of those things.

I guess I don't believe that you "hate" me.  I guess I think what you "feel" toward me is just plain old apathy.  Which might be even worse. Nothing. I know that all of my anger and hurt and resentment have contributed to that, but by your own admission, I am not in your thoughts when you call me names and mimic me.  I am not in your thoughts when you consistently decline to meet any number of the needs I've very clearly expressed to you.  I am not in your thoughts when you post hurtful things on Facebook and then by way of "apology", block me from seeing your account at all.  I am nowhere.  I have a very hard time believing I ever have been.

Maybe all of the negative feelings and emotions I've been carrying around and contending with really have made me into the terrible person you'd have me believe I am.  But even if that's true, I think - think - that I should have at least a little bit more than this.

And though I don't FEEL like I am, according to you, "the meanest person you've ever met", obviously, I must be.  To you.  And you deserve more than this too.


My heart is broken.