Letting go..

I'm not sure if this is the right spot to post this but here goes.

Yesterday I decided its time to let go...what will happen, will happen and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.  I have set the boundaries of what is acceptable and he knows the consequences of stepping over them. Am I letting my dh's ADHD win? NO  Am I giving up? NO  Do I still want my marriage? Very much so, I love my husband to death!  What I am not going to do anymore...worry about keeping things perfect.  I cant keep up the game anymore, for over 4 years I have tried to make everything in our lives (the house, me, our relationship) perfect and I'm exhausted.  I'm also done trying to stay one step ahead of the game, trying to predict moods and actions, trying to figure out where he is or who hes talking to (to try and prevent him from cheating) and trying to save him from himself.  Again, I'm exhausted and I just cant do it anymore!  This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done...... 

Time to try and make friends again (he has run most of them off with his inappropriate comments and being a jerk) and most importantly find me.  I know shes in there, I just gotta find her again.  Had my second interview for my dream job, yesterday....keeping my fingers crossed...thats step one!

Reality is..you may reach

Reality is..you may reach this point 15 times before you actually master the ability to do it. It won't ensure we feel no more pain, it actually sometimes makes it worse when we come to the decison to 'just let go', but it truly is the only choice we have a lot of the time. Speaking from my own personal experience, trying to 'keep them from' anything (cheating, drinking, running around, behaving destructively) does not work. The ONLY THING it accomplishes is to further hurt, disappoint, frustrate, and exhaust US. I would rather sit in a corner and cry myself to sleep each night than to chase him and save him from himself. Why I 'go there' still, even if much less frequently, is beyond me. Old habits die hard?

I cannot stress enough how important it is to find a life for yourself outside of him...including making new friends. I am praying for you about this job...I know it might just be the boost you need to face what is to come. ((HUGS))

Sherri

Day 3

Day three and I'm not doing to badly, like you said "old habits die hard".  I think he senses that I'm just not paying that much attention and hes doing the (give him an inch and he will take a mile) usual.  I just gotta stay strong and keep it up.....even when I want to run out and see who hes talking to on the computer, when he takes the laptop out on the deck.  He knows the boundaries and I swear this time if he steps over them I'm out.  He made the comment the other day that he "knows I will always forgive him and stick it out", that got my attention....I don't want to be that person.

I should find out today about the job!!  Still praying and keeping my fingers crossed!  Then he will really have to make a decision, stay where he is or move and come with me. 

Good for you Needs...

Stick to your guns, though... I know all to well the Give an Inch, Take everything while I can mode. I bet that by Not Paying Attention to what he knows you should and otherwise would be, he'll wonder WTH is going on. Remember ADDer's like things predictable, and by being unpredictable he may wonder what new agenda you are following. Remember that ADDer's jump way to far to conclusions since we know we are not very observant.

Dang... I'm letting the "Secrets" out of the bag :)

YYZ

We've already pretty much

We've already pretty much figured out the secrets...at least I have after 14 years of dealing with it. I can pretty much predict his reaction based on my behavior 100% of the time. It is almost like a running joke I have with myself.."you know if you do XYZ, he'll do ABC" and 99% of the time I am right. He can throw a curve ball occasionally but for the most part, I know what he'll do before he does it...I just don't always know why. I thank you for your 'secret sharing' because knowing why can help us non's avoid some of this stuff.

Predictable...

We ADDer's like predictable most of the time. Secret sharing is why we are here... We need the "Intel"  :)

YYZ

I'm sticking

I'm sticking to my guns as much as possible.  Cant get rid of that nagging feeling that he is seeing this as an opportunity to just "do whatever he wants", but I am seeing now that I cant live my life around "what might happen".  Yesterday I got home from work and he was no where to be found, came home for like five minutes and then was gone again (with no mention of where he was going).  Two hours later he came back, walked right past me into the house and started yelling for me, I was like ummmm I'm out here on the deck.  We did end up going together to hang out at one of our friends' houses for a couple hours. 

Question for you all...in not paying attention to his actions, do you think I'm pushing him further away?  I don't want him to see it as me giving up.  I want him to "want" to be part of my life again.  Opinions? Comments? Ideas?

Thanks! You guys are awesome!

Not paying attention...

From the ADD point of view, sometimes "Paying Attention" is more like watching everything you do, adding to the pressure. I know that is sort of (and sort of not) what is happening, but it feels like someone standing over your shoulder. (The ADDer blowing it way out of proportion) If you know what I mean. But that is just me... "Giving up" would be if you let him trample your boundaries and act like you don't care. If you jump on the issue when the boundary is broken, you obviously Do care and don't appear to be giving up.

Keep it up!

YYZ

 

Always appreciate your viewpoint...

Thank you again YYZ...never thought of it as "watching over his shoulder".  That gives me a little more insight into the way he thinks and even more reason to keep trying to "let go".  And yes I care a great deal..."giving up" isn't even an option at the moment, at least not for me. :)

Anytime :)

If my reflections on a messed-up brain can help, I'm always happy to try.

YYZ

This reads like my diary...

I am in the same position.  I have just left my ADD partner of seven years with our baby nine month old daughter as I am so tired of fighting this disease of his.

I love my DP so very much that I feel this is the last thing to try.

I am over this being my focus

Just wanted to say I feel what your going through and you are DEFINATELY not alone

Excellent post!

This is exactly what I have determined to do! I am removing the power he has over me. It is what it is and what will be will be. I will rise above and be the best version of me I can be. His behavior does not reflect on me. Wondering how you are years later.

I am also there too!

I have let my husband's ADHD control too many aspects of my life. I am worn out! Completely and totally worn out. 2016 is going to be "the" year! I have to save myself and my kids. If he wants to sink with the ship, so be it.