Like Vivi, I started my initial post as a continuation to an existing thread...sorry. I have spent the last day and a half reading as many posts as I could on this site. I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this site. Finally, for the first time in 18 years, I feel like I am not crazy. People who are not living with an ADD spouse just can not comprehend what life is like, and how his condition affects literally EVERY aspect of our lives. I am lucky that my husband is a good person, a kind person, a loving person who is completely committed to me and our 4 children. He tells me he loves me frequently and tries to reassure me that when he 'messes up', it's not due to his lack of love for me. This is not always easy to hear, even though from a cognitive perspective I know it is true. After 18 years of therapy, and recently ADD medication, things in this marriage are still on very shaky ground, and I don't know how much more I can live with. Here are my questions: How do I get past 18 years of anger and resentment-how do I make that all diappear? How do I get past all of the frustrations that are a necessary by-product of being married to a man with ADD? How do I try to make this marriage work when I know deep down that he will never change in any fundamental way? It is very hard to hope when you know there is no possibility for change?
I have read other posts and I identify with each of the sentiments I have read. No, I don't want to be his mother and spoon feed him every piece of information. Yes, I do want him to take resbonsibility for his actions. Yes, his fear of confrontation makes me nuts, because nothing ever gets resolved. Yes, his inability to sustain change for any meaningful length of time is maddening for me. No, I don't understand why it is that the only way he functions, or takes an interest in fixing this marriage is if he is under pressure. For years, the only venue open to me to bring about change in this marriage was my threat to walk out the door. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? But it worked, at least in the short term...He would feel the pressure to make changes and he did. Of course, they only lasted as long as I was willing to play the charade of my departure being imminent. As soon as things went back to normal again, and the pressure was off, so were all of the hard-won changes. I can't even count how many times I have lived through this scenario. I am tired of it. I crave stability. I realize now how pointless it is to try and effect change in my husband, but where does that leave me? I read the blog about changing expectations as oppossed to lowering them, but what about my needs in this marriage? Do I just give them up altogether? What if he can't meet my core needs and values because his ADD keeps getting in the way? I have my own personal baggage that I need to work on from my past, but I need stability to be able to do that. I am hoping that connecting with others who are struggling through the same dilemnas will help me make it through. I don't want to leave my marriage, but I am really all out of hope, and I don't seem to have the drive to keep trying to piece things back together yet again.