Lies

OMG!!!  I am so angry right now I could scream...if I wasn't at work.  My husband decided to quit smoking, which I totally support.  He only started smoking again a month ago so its not like its been for 20 years or something (gotta love friends that encourage bad habits).  He knows that we don't have the money for him to smoke and to take our vacation in a week, he has spent almost half of what I had saved smoking. So yesterday hes going on and on about how he isn't even craving a cigarette and how well hes doing, for which I was supportive and happy.  Fast forward to this morning and when I checked the bank account to balance my checkbook ( I do it every morning, habit I got into when I worked for a credit union) he went ahead and bought a pack yesterday when he came to pick me up from work.  Gee I wonder why he wasn't having any issues!  The thing that pisses me off is he lied to me!!  We agreed on Tuesday that there was NO money in the account for cigarettes only gas.  When he gave me back the debit card he told me "see I didn't even buy any cigarettes and he gave me the gas receipt and not the cigarette receipt! 

Pair this with the discussion we had last night about how he feels he should be allowed to flirt with other women cause "its no big deal".  Really?.... cause his idea of flirting is asking them if he can "make out" with them, getting numbers, Facebook ids and then talking to them and telling them how he hates being married and doesn't want to be with me.  Keeping them "waiting in the wings" so to speak.

I'm beginning to think I may not be able to do this.....Im at the end of my rope!!!

 

The smoking thing seems

The smoking thing seems fairly irrelevant compared to your second paragraph. I know that we were struggling BAD to afford my husband's 1 1/2 - 2 packs a day smoking habit...so he started making his own. The machine was $40 and tobacco and tubes cost him around $30 every two weeks. Maybe this is something he would consider? They also sell flavorings (sprays) that my husband enjoys too.

As for the other stuff...I have forgiven infidelity twice...and I can honestly say I would pack his $hit and have him out by sunset if he felt this kind of behavior was 'no big deal'. Something is really wrong with that picture.

End of my rope...

Thanks for the idea Sherri, its something to think about.  My problem is more with the lies than with the smoking...although I am confused as to why after a year of not smoking he would start again.  I don't get why someone would lie about something that they KNEW I would find out about as soon as I looked at the bank balance. 

As far as making him leave...he knows hes on his last chance and the ice is getting thin.  I love him and don't want to make a mistake I will later regret.  With the diagnosis only being two weeks ago, I feel like I need to give it another chance.

Drinking?

Is your husband still drinking? Alcohol is VERY counter productive to my Adderall. The Adderall makes my brain work better, alcohol screws up the benefits. Not to mention if you are out drinking at night the Adderall is about lost all it's effectiveness. By the way... Sherri is right about "The flirting" thing, totally not cool. IMO :)


 

YYZ

Drinking?

YYZ,

Actually my husband comes from a long line of alcoholics, so he has never drank since I have known him.  I think in 5 years I might have seen him have 3 drinks total, something for which I am very thankful.  His relatives are horrible drunks!!  We didn't even drink at our wedding.

Drinking and me...

I have always feared becoming an alcoholic, my mom had a period or two in her life where she struggled with alcohol. My (Unconfirmed ADD) Dad has never really had a problem with alcohol, but my Step-Mom certainly did not like his daily 4 to 6 beers after work. (He owned his own shop and worked 7 - 7) A VERY hard worker.

I drink a little at social gatherings, but WAY less than I used too before Adderal.

Another thing about the "Flirting Thing" is it is one of the many ways to get the adrenaline rush that ADDer's need to stay awake, not condoning the behavior "At All" of course. I like fast cars and electronic toys... These are my adrenaline rush items which caused many problems in the past. I still like these things, but can control the impulse to constantly crave something new :)

Funny... I did not have a drink at my wedding either. The whole social anxiety thing left me exhausted. I did not know "Why" of course.

YYZ

 

Frustration

Ok, so last night we had ANOTHER conversation about "cheating", he just doesn't get it!!!  He thinks that its not cheating unless he has sex with them.....anything else is ok.  My opinion is anything that is sexual (kissing, touching..etc) or verbally could lead to it, including letting someone think he is single or that I am not capable of "keeping him at home" is cheating.  I'm so tired of him asking other woman if he can "make out with them" or getting on FB and pretty much forgetting hes married and talking about taking them out.  He talks to them in a way that leads them to think they have a chance.  ARGGGGGGGG!   I'm getting frustrated because before I just thought he was being a jerk and didn't give a crap and now I know its an impulse thing, but he still doesn't seem to care about what I think and doesn't seem to have any intention of changing his mind.  Help.....will he eventually figure it out??????  Advise please!!!!

Cheating...

I think an article on the topic of "Emotional Affair" should help clarify the definition of "Affair". I thought having friends that were women was okay as long as there was no touching at all, let alone kissing?!? Before my ADD diagnosis I crossed the "EA" line by talking to a woman about person things. My intentions were to get advice from the female perspective to help my marriage, but this almost destroyed my marriage. I had never heard the term "Emotional Affair" before. Now I understand. From what I read in your posts, your husband has an ADD coping mechanism to get his adrenaline rush through these flirty over the top actions with other women. How would he feel if you behaved this way??? I hope he figures this out soon!

YYZ

 

Cheating

Actually that was part of my argument (what would he do if I did the same) and he actually told me that he wouldn't care as long as I didn't  "%^($ them".  He then tried to tell me that he would know I was just bull shitting if I talked to another man like that.  I'm totally at a loss here with how to get it through his thick skull that its wrong, doesnt help that anytime you tell him hes wrong or has done something wrong he gets pissed instead of actually listening to what is being said.  I think I will look up some articles and see if I can find a good one...maybe if its not coming from just me he will "get it".

Definitions: the Details of Right/Wrong

It finally occurred to me that Right V Wrong on grey definitions like "Cheating" must be set by each couple. After reading an article on Emotional Affairs and talking to my DW, I felt so Stupid... Your husband seems to have a Very defined idea in his head about cheating, which is Way out there. It is almost like he is daring you to use his definition so he can continue his adrenaline rushs without any guilt. IMO... Take care of yourself first! YYZ

That's when you say "this is

That's when you say "this is not something I am willing to accept in my marriage and whether it feels wrong to you or not, I need you to respect how I feel about it and stop doing it." but you need to be ready to face the consequences if he says he's not going to stop. Then you would tell him "then I guess I have some very tough decisons to make".

Also, when he does something "wrong", it does not take any longer for them to 'get it' than it does us. What happens is that we try to make them 'get it', we expect some kind of acknowledgement or apology immediately, and we don't get one so we keep trying to hammer home the 'this is wrong' argument and two minutes into the conversation they are behind 8-foot defensive walls and we are so damned frustrated that we want to leave.

Simply say "this is very hurtful to me when you do this and for the sake of our marriage I need you to stop" and WALK AWAY. He hears. He isn't deaf. He cannot hardly misinterpret this statement. Very clear. Very short. Very to the point. He hears you. Even if you don't get validation or an apology, he will hear this far better than any 30 minute speech you could give him on the subject.

You need to prove that you can be upset without being angry. You need to show him that you have boundaries that, if crossed, you're willing to walk away. I cannot say what those are for you, but it does sound like the BS he's doing on the computer with other women is not something you are OK with. In my experience either you learn to accept it and the behavior continues or you make it very clear that you won't tolerate it and they stop doing it for fear of losing you. He needs to find other ways to fill this void in his life. It is something inside of him that makes him NEED this kind of attention from other women (he is the one taking numbers from other women and saying things about you on FB, right? I hope I'm not confusing you with someone else). He does not feel good enough about himself without it. It may also be a 'plan B' incase you were to leave him..to avoid being alone. It could be a stimulation thing. But none of that means he cannot stop for the sake of his marriage.

I hear what you're saying,

I hear what you're saying, definitely. My husband has had both kinds of affair (emotional and physical) and has always looked back in surprise to see how he "crossed lines" in almost a state of oblivion. (The adrenaline high, lack of ability to clearly predict consequences and outcomes, etc.) Something that helped to clarify things for both of us and to put some boundaries in place was the idea that taking emotional intimacy to another person outside the marriage (either by sharing deep feelings that haven't been shared with one's spouse or by getting back that confirmation of attractiveness from someone else rather than one's spouse) is cheating in and of itself whether or not it becomes a fully sexual relationship. It took my husband's focus away from us and gave all of his energy into those other relationships, not to mention hurting me immensely.

Another thing that helped was us both acknowledging that we each take the focus and intimacy away from our relationship in a variety of ways: when he plays hours of video games instead of connecting with me or when I share my concerns with a girlfriend of mine instead of sharing them with him can even be taking focus and intimacy away from the relationship. It's not that there's anything wrong with video games or talking to friends, it's the pattern of isolation from the other that he and I have perfected over the years that's the problem. Seeing it in this broader perspective helped him to feel less guilty and therefore less defensive and I think that, in turn, helped him to acknowledge to himself the consequences of connecting with other women instead of me.

That being said, any kind of cheating (flirting, emotional affair, full sexual affair) is hurtful, cruel, and incredibly damaging to a partner's self-esteem, to the trust in the relationship, and to intimacy. It's disrespectful and thoughtless and you do not deserve to be treated like that! It is leaps and bounds more damaging than these other things I mentioned and I had to work, with help of a counselor, to let him know just how hurtful it was. But I had to learn to share that without throwing my rage in his face - my rage almost always gives him an escape route. It actually serves to protect him from feeling responsible for his actions and truly seeing his own consequences. Hard not to be in a constant rage when your life partner has an affair, but there you have it!

I'm sorry you're having to go through this because it is painful. You are in the right! You know that what he's doing is wrong and you're listening to your own intuition about it. Keep it up!

Thanks

Sirena,

Thanks for the advice, I do have some really hard choices to make.  Hopefully the counselor will be able to help me with that, I need to start looking at things way different.  Unlike your husband mine does not look back in surprise at what hes done, he is surprised when I have a problem with it!  I don't want a divorce, at all, I have one ex husband and really don't want two.  I love the guy to death, but I don't see how this is going to work unless he is working with me.  He says he is seeing a counselor on his own, but will NOT go see one with me, which leads me to wonder if he is just venting and blaming all this shit on me and the counselor is not getting the "full picture" (he was diagnosed by his regular doctor not the counselor).  I'm just not seeing how seeing counselors separate from each other is going to accomplish anything.

I'm so confused, hurt and angry its not even funny, all I want is the guy I met and fell for back and I know that isn't going to happen.  How the heck do you get used to the fact that the person you thought you had is gone??????