A psychologist would tell me I am acting out the role that my primary family smushed me into.
My S.W. counselor told me I did not "grow up" .... arrested development because I thought I HAD to be a good girl and obey (nearly everything/everyone).
An economist would tell me that my tendency to "play it safe" did nothing to increase my monetary well-being.
My old preachers said I must obey my husband, my parents, the 10 commandments AND the new testaments lessons of love they neighbor as thyself.
My church and culture said I must marry and have children and make promises that I must never fall back on ... to honor and obey.
My childhood teaching told me I should work hard like a Girl Scout and be humble and above all, be like Jesus..... sacrificing.
My schools told me I must study and learn and "make the grade".
My head told me that I must work hard and give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give.....give, female, give.
My NEW minister told me God does not want his people to be miserable. That God made his laws and commandments FOR the people....not to CRIPPLE his people.
New age "experts" tell me I should set boundaries, make myself happy, THINK my way to positive outcomes....that if I am thinking "wrong" that it is my fault that my life is "wrong".
What is next? What will the newest thought "fad" tell me to do and how to be?
I know I am searching. I am wanting something I don't have anymore. I know I "had" "it" before I was married. I lost it when I became someone I thought I "had" to be when I got married. The happiness and well-being I once had seems to be an impossible dream to me now.
I had an adult beautiful dog a few years ago. He was lost in the woods for 4 days. Someone found him, cared for him and we got him back. He had obviously been running frantically for days along the beach of Lake Michigan, unable to smell his way back because he crossed a creek. The beautfiul, princely dog was never his princely self again. The trauma of just those 4 days took something out of him.
Trauma and exhaustion seems to kill something inside of a person if it goes on too long.
Don't let trauma and exhaustion and heartache and fear....go on too long in your life. Walk toward some GOOD in life. Don't try to lower yourself FOR someone who is traumatic to you too long. It will kill something inside of you that you will miss and you will never re-gain.
Walk TOWARD: people you can trust, people you admire, people whose lives are what you want your life to be like.
Walk AWAY: people who you need to lower yourself, people you need to stuff you greatness because you don't want them to feel bad about your goodness or abilities, people who make you crazy, felling alone and in trauma.
For those of you who don't know me.....I have been married to an ADD, self centered, self-entitled man for over 40 years. Unless your spouse gives to you as much as you give to him.....things will not get better for you in the relationship.