My husband was diagnosed with ADHD after I discovered him lying to me to my face and I insisted he seek help.He went to therapists, psychiatrist , we went to couples therapy and I went to therapy as well.He got on medication and it worked beautifully for him. He divulged a habit of lying since childhood to compensate for learning issues and shame. He revealed he had been telling "little lies" about stupid stuff like coming home early to de-stress watch stupid tv. Off shopping saying he was working. I mailed that bill etc..He swore that there was no other lies and treatment was going great. I was feeling a lot of anxiety and a sense that there was something he was not revealing . Repeatedly he told me there was nothing else, couples therapist thought I was over reacting and urged me to work on this with my therapist. We were doing well he was more communicative , loving thoughtful and was feeling connected to me. We were in a honeymoon phase, then I found the lie. His search history revealed that before treatment he was looking at porn. This is a betrayal to me and this I believe was what the lies were all about. He was spiraling before treatment and he was planning and manipulating me to grab the time for the porn and his down time. We have been married 34 years and I now know that he did not support a job change that would have made my commute small and I would now be home much more and be able to spend weekends enjoying the things I had missed out on.The manipulation , selfish, lying , lack of support that I was totally unaware was happening over the course of my marriage has devastated me. We never fought he says he enjoyed spending time together but needed this time (most of the weekend) to de-stress. He also did not consider me in any decision he made or the consequences of his behavior His therapist says he did not have room for me with everything going on in his head. He says he could not express how he felt before treatment and did not feel the connection until now. Everything with his treatment is going very well , I just can't move past the hurt and the final lie that he made on my life in therapy. He was ashamed and felt I would leave him ,once again deciding what I would say or do. He consciously was lying over the course of our entire marriage , making me think and everyone else how devoted and loving he was. He says it was like a second life and he had his cake and was eating it too. Everything for him is going well and I am truly happy for him , I don't know if I can live with him. This is all very raw 3 weeks since the porn came to light . It is crazy how he is now who I thought I was married to and now I am so hurt I feel unable to get past these feelings. Is there really hope.? I have not found anything to guide me that feels right for me. I am a Christian but all the Christian blogs make me hurl!This wasn't a short term problem it is my whole life. I believed in him and loved him and never suspected a thing. Can anyone relate or give my any guidance?
SleepingBeauty
O
Wow, that subject of sex!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Sleeping Beauty,
Anger , Frustration& ADHD
Submitted by SleepingBeauty on
Thank you I have looked at everything on the site and he is not involved in it now . It is this past that just keeps running in my head.This is not Playboy that we are talking about. It is images and images of women being objectified in a very graphic way. The manipulation of taking the time at my expense to do this behavior. He did not consider me in any of it but being ok with me working on the weekend ( missing out on lots of events)to allow him time to have porn time and generally be unaccountable for his time sit around and do nothing . Including the work he told me he was doing . He would then take a day off during the week with me as he would tell me he worked on the weekend. The porn sucks but the disregard for me is tough to swallow.
SleepingBeauty
After I split with son's dad...
Submitted by Delphine on
...he, of course, left a ton of stuff behind for me to clear out. He had his own closet, and I was stunned to find in there a huge collection of girlie magazines.
(That was in the mid-80's...before either of us got into computers.)
I'm not a prude and I know guys like to look at naked women. It was just that there were so many of them. He used to spend a long time in the bathroom, I guess that's where he perused them. Anyway, that discovery did solidify my feelings that we had never really been a couple. The sex was routine and uninspired after the initial thrill of being in a new love relationship.
Delphine
I wish you peace....
Submitted by c ur self on
We can make suggestions, but, only you can decide what is best for you and your marriage going forward...Your pain is real, it's something you must deal with, and it will take time. If you don't work through this properly (as much time as you need) you may never be able to receive the healing you need. A marriage without trust and respect isn't a nice place to be....He will have to earn that back.
As for your husband...I just have to put myself in his shoes....Sin is like a cancer, the more you feed it, the more it grows...(There is no other temptation stronger for a man than a women's body.) Eventually it takes you over. I'm so glad he has allowed light to shine into the dark places of his heart. He needed to face it, confess it and be forgiven for it...I'm thankful for him, whether you can find the peace you need to stay or not....
Blessings Sleepingbeauty...I will pray for you.
C
been there!
Submitted by dvance on
Oh sleeping--I have been there. Imagine my surprise when I found out a woman DH SWORE to me he had no contact with was actually in quite regular communication with him. And he was answering and participating right back. Huh--who knew?? Now I can be a little sarcastic about it and say that I wish to god he had just had the full blown affair so he could leave already. I wish she would take him off my hands. In fact, when I found the emails, I actually emailed HER and offered to meet her for coffee so we could iron some stuff out. I told her she was welcome to hubby but never my kids. It was hilarious--she forwarded my emails to DH and for a few days he didn't know what to do because if he confronted me about doing that, then it would have been clear that he WAS in contact with her. All I can say is try to find some way to wrap your brain around the fact that what he does really has nothing to do with you. Our husbands are selfish and self serving and self centered. They do not put our needs first or even on par with theirs. It's not a normal adult relationship. I gotta say--I think I would be more upset about the job thing than the porn! We have not had sex in 9 months and I don't care if we ever do again. I would just be offended by porn as a woman, not that he was looking at it. But I digress--any help you can get to make it clear that his behavior is in no way a commentary on your worth as a person, a woman or a wife. He did not look at porn because you are somehow lacking. He did not turn down the better job for any reason other than to make HIS life easier. You are not even part of his decision making. Once I got that through my head it was actually quite freeing. I no longer care if I stay out later than I said I would. DH never asks where I have been or what I have been doing. He just doesn't think like most of us. Me, even if I just had a roommate, I might ask them where they were going if I saw them leaving or ask them what they had done/did they have fun when they returned, but my DH does not. I used to spend a lot of brain energy thinking about this--how odd it was, how it must mean he doesn't care about me, how selfish he is. Now I just don't care. His lack of WHATEVER allows me a level of freedom that I really enjoy.