List of Questions

Compiled List from Materials

To the ADHD Spouse:

Do any of these apply to your marriage, your spouse, you?
• Do you feel as if your wife spends a lot of time blaming you for your marital issues? 
• Does she nag you all the time? 
• Does she suggest that you’re no good or never help her? 
• Has she claimed that you don’t love her, even though you know that’s not true. 
• Your spouse would say that you often forget things, or that if you are given a grocery list, you don’t bring home everything on the list.
• You intend to attend appointments and events, but often miss them due to poor planning.
• You may feel as if the person you married is buried deep within a nagging monster that lives in your home.
• The person you had cherished has been transformed into a control freak, trying to manage every single detail of your life together.
• No matter how hard you try, you can never do well enough for your spouse, even if you are successful elsewhere, such as in your work.
• The easiest way to deal with her is simply to leave her alone.
• Your spouse complains that you are selfish or lazy, that you don’t care about her or your family.
• You’re willing to admit that you make mistakes sometimes, but so does she—and certainly, no one is perfect.
• Are you frustrated because you are successful at work, but can’t seem to get a break from your wife at home?
• Did your wife used to be fun but now she’s just tired and complaining all the time – just a “stick in the mud”?
• Does your spouse tell you that you were dishonest about who you were when you were dating because you became a different person after you married?
• Do you wonder what happened to the woman you married?  Does the disappearance of your “old wife” make you sad or angry?
• You wish she would just relax once in a while and live life as a happy person, instead of a harpy.
• Does your wife take over your jobs and tasks around the house because she doesn’t think you’ll do them? Claiming she feels like a slave?
• Does your wife say she is lonely and feels like a single parent?
• Does your wife say she wishes she had a true partner and that she cannot count on you to do “your part” in the marriage?
• Does she say she feels like you’re just another child she has to care for and raise?
• Does your wife tell you that she feels you don’t care about her feelings? If she’s upset with something that has happened (outside of the home and not something you did) does she complain that you don’t console or hug her to help her feel better?
• Was your courtship happy and exciting (and fast), but your marriage has been completely different?

Depressing list :)

Wow, I am non-ADHD female and I didn't make it to the end of the list.  I can guess many non-ADHD men would be thinking "needy female, run" if they had this thrown at them.  Sorry to be blunt, but that is way too much for an ADHD person to handle in one attempt (and if spread over too many attempts they are going to run whenever they see you approaching with a pen and paper!)  Many men have trouble with 'relationship issues' and certainly ADHD ones might see this as a quagmire they do not understand AT ALL.  Hence the many questionnaires that focus on logical, quantifiable yes/no issues first.

In the other post you wrote: THe quiz format leaves too much to the introspective.. "do you forget things a lot?" "do you miss appointments"   stuff like that where they might immediately be defensive or might not even think it's ever a problem or that often...

The reason why the questionnaires focus on items like these is that they are quantifiable. "Are you late to work? Every day, 2 days out of 5, never" etc.   Versus "feelings" - no need to get into emotional aspects and into the subjective (ADHD people are not good at identifying and untangling those, especially in a questionnaire 'interrogation' format - which is also why some question lists are to be filled in by both suspected-ADHD person and by the partner (parent etc) .

Also you wrote:
"For the most part, the problem is that my husband and I have had lots of conversations about how we don't "believe in" ADHD .... he also uses it as an insult...  So suggesting right off the bat that he has ADHD is not going to go over well"

Maybe prepare the ground by leaving some ADHD books around the house, or let him see you reading one or two (but don't ambush him about them, just let him get used to the topic being around the house)?

I compiled two different resources

I found two different paragraphs of text.. one in the forum under "Favorite Posts" (http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-matters)
and one in the first chapter of the book... that is where these questions came from.  
For example the paragraph in the book says:

If you have ADHD, (or think you do), you may feel as if the person you married is
buried deep within a nagging monster that lives in your home. The person you had
cherished has been transformed into a control freak, trying to manage every single
detail of your life together. No matter how hard you try, you can never do well enough
for your spouse, even if you are successful elsewhere, such as in your work. The easiest
way to deal with her is simply to leave her alone. You’re willing to admit that you
make mistakes sometimes, but so does she—and certainly, no one is perfect. You wish
she would just relax once in a while and live life as a happy person, instead of a harpy.

So... is it better to show him that paragraph? Since it came from the expert?

I set that paragraph to bullets so it MIGHT be easier to read. LOL

Or maybe that paragraph was never meant to actually be read by the ADHD spouse?

I dunno.. but I do know that EVERY item on that list was an EXACT description of our marriage and he needs to see it... maybe just half of it though?  Maybe without combining the paragraph above with the post?  I don't know.. but I do know he needs to recognize us in some sort of "symptom list" format.

Maybe I just need to ask for advice on how to introduce the idea instead?

 

 

Good luck!

My husband would agree with every point.