2. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHUT UP IN PUBLIC
I need advice from y'all (chime in MELISSA :) ) on how I can deal with my anger and rage at how my husband makes an idiot of himself wherever he goes. I love him, and I could accept him for how he is because I have studied ADHD and I understand his disorder and how his brain works and la de da. But to EVERYONE ELSE he makes himself look like, yes, the hurtful word we are all so tempted to say to them on a regular basis, an IDIOT. He starts talking about himself at church, about his business (which is ours, and is something that I take very seriously and professionally) and starts talking about how much money we're making, how the technology works, how exciting it all is, on and on, when NO ONE asked, except maybe the polite "How's it going?" And then, when they are polite and respond, "Really?" to his first sentence, he goes on and on and doesn't realize maybe they're just being polite and have more social sense than I do and have learned its more polite to ask questions about others than to rattle on and on. Granted, there could be self-esteem issues playing a role in there too, but it's like he has NO DISCERNMENT. NO OFF SWITCH. He'll talk all the time about stuff in front of the kids about stuff I would definately prefer they didn't hear. It's like he has no awareness of what's around him, he's just so wrapped up in his mental train of thought that is running away with itself and out his mouth. Once again, I could deal with it, but it is damaging my children, our reputation, everything. It's humiliating because I did NOT see this when we were dating! I like to think of myself as having a good level of common sense and discernment as well as professionalism. I see the people's eyes just kindove politely glazing over as they get more and more socially turned off and I don't know how to apologize without "disrespecting" my husband (something he seems hell-bent on demanding, like a king without a castle) instead of earning it. I can't explain Sorry, he's got ADHD, cuz' that is a swear word that I get in trouble for saying even in front of the kids. So I can't try to explain him to them to make him look better because he would think I was putting him down by calling him ADD. It's gotten to the point where I literally don't want him picking the kids up or dropping them off, I don't want to go to church with him, or even be associated with him because he makes himself and our whole family look like a bunch of idiots, and it's not the shoulders I want my kids to have to "stand" on. I want to scream, "He's got issues! I didin't see them when I married him! We had a really short courtship, honest! I don't have the same issues though! You can sit across from me! Here, I'll move and my husband can blab to someone else over there but you and I can converse WAAY over here in a sane way". Then there's the GUILT (all non ADHD spouses get way too much of this feeling) for even FEELING ashamed of my own spouse, but what do you expect? I'm open to hearing how I can change ME on this one too!! I've tried to talk to him about HIM. But when the impulsivity seems to be uncontrollable part of him, what can he do? How can I maintain a reputation, build a business, or raise kids that have half a chance at being viewed as winners with a Dad who behaves like this and physiologically, biologically can't seem to STOP. How can I honestly love and do right by a man I have to FAKE respect for. Poor guy. Poor me. HELP! PS This also has hurt me a lot as when he gets frusterated (usually cuz' he's being called on his **** by me, he vents to others without thinking making unfair and emotional comments about me like I'm high maintenance (when I wasn't being at all but he couldn't handle reality), and that I steamroll him (which is untrue. He can't formulate opinions or process mentally well enough to lead the family and make decisions so I have to, which I hate, then he blames me for steamrolling and controlling, which is not even my nature)...so his lack of discernment with what he says, when, how and to whom, has basically ruined our relationship, and this is just one of what, 30 different issues with him? I also struggle with wondering what a fool he's making out of himself "this time" whenever HE is the one that is taking the kids to the store, the park, anywhere...because his parenting REALLY REALLY STINKS (I can elaborate on this in a separate post as this is a whole other issue in itself) and I am starting to fear that people will see the kids with me, recognizing them as the same ones, and judge ME, assuming that if my husband has dysfunctional, white trash, immature parenting, that I, to be his wife, must be similarly white trash, pajamas to walmart, yelling at snotty nosed sick kids stock. lol. couldn't resist, sorry. It's getting to the point that I almost want to move states away and just start separate lives until he gets help for some of these issues. Anyone else?