Figured some stuff out. I think this hurt/anger flashes I am experiencing is related to the fear I have felt for the entirety of my relationship with my husband. I have not had ANY security in our relationship. I have not had any time to just "rest" and be "safe" in my marriage. His constant threats of leaving every single time there is some sort of crisis or any time we start really getting in sync and things are GOOD, he threatens to bail and I have to fight to keep him. I have lived in constant fear of him just running away instead of being a grown man and talking wth me - the woman he supposedly loves. I dont know if this constant running away is more to do with the CSA or the ADHD - or maybe both - with the ADHD being aggravated by the new fears and emotions he has started feeling since being with me, and since attempting to face the CSA stuff. The only thing I DO know is that he cannot be trusted to keep his word, and yet he expects me to keep mine. He swore to never put me in this spot again - but that promise only meant something in the moment. No one can live with someone and trust them when their word is only as good as their mood.
But I know for me- living in that constant fear is mentally exhausting! I cannot think of a period of time more than 2-3 months where I felt confident in our relationship. In a way, now that I know he is leaving for good - so much of that pressure is relieved. I can no longer "wonder" as it IS happening. I can face the sadness and hurt and just deal with it and move forward.
I no longer live in fear though. I know that I have done all that could. I know I will wake up the day after he is gone knowing that I did everything I could to protect, save, and thrive in my marriage. Sure, I am going to hurt as I mourn the loss of the man I thought I would spend my life with. I will mourn my visions and dreams of excelling in our shared hobby together. I will come to grips that I will no longer be there, rooting him, on while he fights in tournaments and I wont be there to fix his armor after a big battle, adjusting straps, making sure things are lined up right etc... (we do medieval re-enactment). I am sad that we wont be laying on the beach together in Hawaii drinking coronas listening to the waves crash on the shore. I will no doubt cry myself to sleep occasionally as I remember when he was there, next to me, safe and sound. As I sew my new clothes for events, I will no doubt have a clutch in my heart that his stuff will forever be put aside in some box somewhere, to be ignored. I know that one day, when his daughter gets married - I wont be sitting up with the family watching the child I love as much as I would my own celebrate her beautiful day, holding his hand as he finally comes to grips with the fact that his little girl is a grown woman. There wont be any grandchildren to hold, or to spend the night at our house - having fun playing games and watching movies. There will never be a romantic dinner, looking into his eyes and feeling all that love I thought i wasnt even capable of ever again.
But I wont have regrets - because I tried to save it all. I gave everything I had to save it, to protect those promises and vows because when I said them they MEANT something to me, even though they were just words on the breeze to him. I kept my word. My character is true. My words were from the heart and soul and I lived them. I wasnt playing games, even though I was being played with.
I wont ever have to beat myself up and think that I could have done more, tried harder. I DID and it was not good enough. And I dont have to be afraid any more that I might do or say something that scares him away, like a little tiny delicate deer in the forest - scared of its own shadow.
Sorry - rambling today. I just know that I refuse to live in fear ever again. I guess that is one good thing that has come out of this very very emotionally expensive failure.