Living in the Moment

Again, I am at odds with myself.  There is a funeral visitation for a good friend of mine's ex.  I don't want my DH to go along with me but he is insisting.  Why don't I want him along?  Because he will over-shadow my presence with his over the top "personality".  He will take my good friend in his arms and give her a total body to total body embrace, held too long and inappropriate for what the situation is.  He believes he is so personable and friendly and "in the moment".  He will use up the conversation time with how involved he had been with the couple even though it was my friend and he was invited along to the events most often.  He tends to see the world through his own importance and it is always out of proportion. It is my friend of 20 years who I want to spend some time talking with. I will be embarrassed, a little angry, and I will feel like the unpersonable one next to him because I will be embarassed and irked.  He did this with my niece last week - the total body embrace with a kiss too long (almost like the sailor pictures after WWII was over) while I stood behind and tried not to show what I was thinking.  I just want to be real.  I don't want to be invisible.  When I say something about this to him, he attacks ME verbally.  His "living in the moment" sometimes cancels me out. 

hmmmm... tough one

I have to say that, although I understand all the concerns and irritations you have about your husband coming with you- I don't think it's right to ask him to not go, if he is dead-set on going. I am sorry your husband bugs you so much that you are dreading this and that you can't just ignore him and say what you need to say to your friend and the family members of this guy.

I know the qualities you are referring to- I can sometime talk too much or about revealing stuff or get into personal discussions with strangers and I know I can embarrass my husband on occasion. But my husband also loves me and appreciates those qualities in me (my warmth, empathy, enthusiasm) He knows that I never intend him harm, that I am working to be more private and to set more boundaries, and that I beat myself up more than he ever could about my exuberance...

Anyhow- please consider just dropping this. He may bug the hell out of you, but I think funerals are a free-for-all... meaning- it's kind of up to every individual if they want to go. If it was a different kind of occasion, I might have a different opinion. I'm sure he'll annoy the hell out of you, but your friend must know your husband well at this point and can't you just tell your husband to give you some time alone to talk about your friend during the reception? Just tell him that it's hard for you to be assertive when he's there and you'd really like the chance to talk to your friend privately at some point. She will probably be bombarded with other people paying respects too- so maybe the time that she has will coincide with the time your husband gives you... Maybe he can wander over to the food area.

In terms of his general behavior on other occasions, maybe you could bring this up with him gently at a non-confrontational time and let him know it can embarrass you and hurt your feelings when he acts this way.

Good luck.

Update.  Yup, he did the full

Update on the funeral home visit.  I didn't want him to go but I didn't tell him he shouldn't or couldn't.  It was just my preference that I would rather go alone in my own mind.  Yup, he did the full body to body hug.  Too long....about 30 seconds Then he kissed her in the neck.  That is too long for a husband to hold tightly to the WIFE'S (my) friend. Then after I said my goodbyes to my friend, he went and held her for about 10 more minutes alone talking to her while I am standing at the exit waiting (again) for him as he holds my friend with two arms.  Remember this was her EX husband we were all there at a visitation for.  She was also, just a visitor.   I am not jealous.  I am frustrated and wierded out that I am part of this union(?) with a man who believes it is his style/duty/job? to woo every woman in every situation while I am standing there.  It was the kind of embrace he would not have done if she had a husband standing there.  Imagine what a man like that does when I am NOT standing there.  This is how he is in a funeral home. Imagine standing there waiting and watching. Of course I said something.  If this were my son I would have told HIM how to act appropriately - I am certainly going to let my husband know if I think he is acting inappropriately.  I have to let this all out on this anonymous forum.  I can't hold stuff like this in and act like it does not affect me.  My husband is a lying, untrustworthy jerk and I have been enabling him to be one.

Awww... That sucks!

 I am sorry. That does sound inappropriate.  


How do the other women react to his inappropriate behavior?  Something to consider...if you want alone time with your friends, especially during a friend's troubled times, schedule one that isn't open to the public.  Hopefully he will respect that. 

I understand why you would be frustrated and wierded out.  He is lucky that a woman's husband hasn't caught him doing this.  I also understand why you might be hesitant to talk with him about it.  He would probably just think you were jealous and it would boost his ego more.  I don't see you as enabling him.  It isn't like you put women in front of him so he can do this.  You are his wife and you have tried to be a good one. 

I have difficulty approaching my husband on things that bother me in fear that he will twist my words or I'll get confused when I'm talking to him and go off on a tangent that has nothing to do with my initial concern.  I started to write him letters.  It helps me so much.  Sometimes I give him the letter and sometimes I rip it up and throw it away.  He thinks it is a little cheesy but at least I know that he understands exactly where I stand...and it is documented.   I also don't have to be there when he reads it and it gives both of us time to think about it before talking from pure emotion.