Like many in this forum, I feel lonely and isolated much of the time due to my husband’s self-centeredness and unreliability. He has indicated that he’s willing to work on his behaviors, but I know it will be a lifelong struggle for both of us (assuming we make it that long). I am close with my family, but they live in another state. I’m starting to think that the only way I’m going to make it in this marriage is to move close to my family. I’m not sure my husband is ever going to be able to be present in our relationship the way I need him to be, but I think with the presence of other close family I could be content in our marriage. We have significant financial and business entanglements in our city, and it would be tough to relocate, but life seems too short to be this unhappy. I’d appreciate any thoughts/perspectives.
Living Near Family?
Submitted by balltobe on 09/28/2018.
I feel the same ...
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
hi! I feel the same that you describe .. but considering i live in another country makes things 10000 times more difficult. His parents are very caring with me and they try their best .. but family is family and I miss mine.
I just decided to go back for 4 months because of a dental treatment ... but at the same time, to really think and consider if this what I also want for me. For me, it seems like a cycle that repeats very constantly, in my case, like every 3 or 4 weeks.And I have been with him 9 months and I am feeling emotionally exhausted. He is caring and thoughtful during those 3 or 4 weeks .. but then he becomes someone completely full of selfishness and every time it gets tougher. His words are so cold and blame like I haven't done anything to him, I don't support him well .. and it is so hard to talk to him that if I remain in silence, I am ignoring him on purpose. As sad as it sounds, this is not a marriage life I want for myself.
Maybe if you live a bit closer, start by moving yourself first and see how he behaves and then depending ont he results, take a decision. Maybe the 4 months in my case are not enough .... but I need to be in a place of mental peace for myself to really think what I want to do. And just consider I am only 9 months living with him, we got religious married in January after our visa was aprooved .. so I dont have any experience of years .. im just saying something i am planning to do .
Relocating....
Submitted by c ur self on
Being present? Yes; that is something he will never be able to do as long as he lives with the view of himself that you explained here...My spouse lives with the same mindset....It is very common for add/adhd minds to wear themselves out (the drugs play a part in this, of course) staying mentally locked into things they deem as life giving....(Jobs, addictions, Frivolity)....
They are easily bored w/ the mundane, which makes them terrible spouses and parents...(terrible defined here as; not present, or capable or willing to be present) You have no working partner in the home or marriage unless it is self gratifying, or thrilling to them (dopamine releasing)...Most anything my wife does that is mundane, is done out of guilt, or for survival, or to hide her true life style from others (shame)..Her whole attitude is dripping w/ negativity, and regret while tackling mundane projects...So I try to slip away from her..lol...Her tendency is to ignore her responsibilities in the marriage...And then seek to control the things she is attracted to..$, good times, TV remote, etc...When confronted with her behaviors, It's either denial, justification, or excuses....Which turns strait to fight or flight, if I try to press her to see herself in these area's of life....
So I do understand your desire for company and fellowship w/ your loved ones....(I have two married daughters, and 3 wonderful grand children, close PTL!) But, before you step out and make an independent decision on that large of a scale...I would do my best to communicate to your husband your feelings....I would kindly tell him the truth, I love you and want a healthy engagement (time together in all phases of life). I would just tell him his current reality isn't enough...I would also tell him that you both need a third party to help you work through your differences....IMO...a highly recommended marriage counselor (preferably one trained in add/adhd),,,Do all that you can do out of a good conscience to kindly communicate to him your need for fellowship and closeness, that he refuses to recognize or care to provide...He needs to hear you, (hopefully in front of a counselor) and understand your loneliness, and the abandonment you are feeling....IF he don't care at that point, then at least he would be well aware if you make changes....
The biggest problem for many men (and some women) especially one's that are intelligent, and successful is; thinking to highly of themselves!...If we are efficient at many things, why not every thing?? lol...Throw in a add/adhd, a little denial, and what you have is someone incapable of hearing and learning, esp. when it comes to others realities, and the effects of their behaviors/actions, as they relate (refusal to relate, is more like it) to their spouse and children...See, there is no need for them to hear you, because they are confident (at rest) in their own goodness....(self justification).....
This dynamic is what causes many of our arguments, and the inability to communicate....My wife will blabber about her job, her friends, our children, her hobbies, TV shows, what to eat, what game she wants to play, where she wants to travel, etc, etc....But when I ask her questions that are relational in nature, questions about spending habits, questions about her independent behaviors...Questions like... What do you think God wants from every man and women in the confines of a marriage union?....She is ready to flee my presents...It's always been that way....(To answer honestly would be self indicting, so she has to go all of a sudden..lol....) We went to a marriage counselor for over 8 months...All she wanted to do was blame, and use him as a high priced referee (of course I was doing the paying)...She was completely unable to discuss her own behaviors...It was all about blame....Finally one day the counselor said " have y'all thought about counting your losses and going your separate ways"?? She immediately said NO!...And I didn't say anything.... lol....