Living separately

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago.  I have a 12, 10, and 5 year old.  I moved to another state about 3 years ago for my husband's job.  He is very successful and work-a-holic.

I am responsible for most of the childcare and child issues.  More than usual since he was not reliable for childcare and his schedule of work and his extra activities haven't allowed for childcare.    He is making an effort now outside of work.  But work doesn't leave much time or energy.

I have several long-winded blogs explaining my exact circumstances.  But, basically, I am having trouble reconciling with the past as well as thinking the future will be any different.  

My husband has told me that my depression and problems I have (as a result of the ADHD marriage) will not hold him back.  He has never shown any ability to adapt to a non-adhd lifestyle which I think would include emotional closeness.  

If his stance is that I won't hold him back from the life he wants to lead.  Then rather than put 3 kids through a nasty divorce.  I am thinking it is reasonable for me to plan ahead for a life by myself as the kids grow up.  

I don't like the state we have moved to.  I gave up the opportunity to see my sister and her kids and other family members and old friends, except 1-2 times a year.  I have made a few friends in the new state, but I can't really be authentic while I am hiding my marriage problems.

I am considering getting a new degree and planning my new life while my kids finish school.  It's a long-haul, at least 8 years if I can convince the third kid to move.  It's a really long plan, but I am so stuck that I don't know what else I would do.  It would take me quite awhile to finish a degree since I don't see any relief in childcare responsibilities.  My husband's job is about 12-13 hours a day and night commitments.  The ridiculous corporate entertaining that men seem to love.

I have this fantasy that I just have a very small life in a very small house near family and old friends instead of this very large, corporate, lonely life.

Does this seem do-able?  I think it seems fair considering his stance on our future.  

I hate to say this...

I hate to say this, but staying in a dysfunctional marriage can be worse for the kids long-term than "ripping the band-aid off" so to speak, and going through the divorce. You have to think about the example you're setting for your kids-do you want them to grow up with a healthy idea of what relationships are supposed to be like, or repeatedly expose them to an unhealthy relationship? This is obviously your decision to make, but one that will affect their lives as well as their own marriages, children's marriages and so on. In addition, spending a prolonged period of time like you are suggesting, while you are still married, planning how and when to leave the marriage, can be extremely hurtful and feel like a huge betrayal, not to mention the fact that this is another action which might not be setting the best example for your children.

I know this kind of stuff can be hard to stomach, and it might seem easy for someone who's not in the situation to give all sorts of advice--maybe it will help to know that I actually am in the situation, different in many ways, but the same in that I am in an unhealthy relationship that needs to change or end before my kids think this is how they should grow up and treat their spouses.