Ok, this will be a rant. But also a brief summary of facts. Please bear with me.
Me and my ADHD spouse have been living separately. We're not married. She blames many of the issues we're facing on this. She says it's complicating her daily routine.
However, we never really got through that point when you really feel like you could live with the other person, and you truly want it.
I need to catch my breath from time to time. If that doesn't happen, I'm no use.
So we have separate flats. Hers is smaller. She says she'd like to live together, "just like any other normal couple". I say we first learn to decide simple matters, 5 minute perspective, and then we talk the big perspective. Then we can move forward.
Some time ago, she had a period when she was been very stubborn not to come to my place, although it's 3x as big and much more comfortable. I feel this was my "punishment" for not wanting to live together. However, when I proposed to live together, she was very reluctant and said she'd "consider". She never did, as I never got a definitive answer.
She constantly stresses the toll it takes on her. Like she has to transport stuff back and forth (about half a mile). I keep telling her, please move it permanently. She keeps telling me, "no, because there's no place for me here, I don't have my own space". I keep telling her "the whole space is yours".
She says it's not middle ground, she's a guest here. I say she's not. She's welcome to move all the stuff she needs, so that she doesn't have to wear my pants and my shirts and my perfume, as every morning she seems to be surprised by the unexpected lack of those.
She says she want to move together, but then she says she really appreciates the space she can call her own, and it's actually very convenient for her, and she wouldn't like to move.
When she sees my fatigue, she proposes she'll come back to her own flat for some time to let me restore my health. Yet she insists all our problems are caused by the fact we don't fully share a flat.
She says she can't learn where the spoons are at my apartment, and where the light switches are, because it's not neutral ground, and she doesn't feel like learning because she's a guest. For over 4 years.
After the "we live at my place and that's it" phase, she stopped inviting me completely to her place. 6 months ago, she started a huge clean-up, to get rid of the things she didn't need and finally make everything neat and nice and orderly. Since then, she's been ashamed to invite me, which she admits, because she's never finished and it's a huge mess.
So we live together at my place. Where she still feels a guest. That doesn't mean it doesn't get as messy as her own place, as I've written here: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/my-experiences-adhd-overcoming-denial. Maybe more, because she's a guest.
I'm getting blamed for all the mess. Apparently it's because we don't officially live together.
Things appear and disappear. Although it's a tight space, there's weeks when we only say "hello" to each other, if she's hyperfocused on work. Otherwise, I feel like she's looming around, actually doing nothing, but disturbing my daily cycle. A lot.
And I still feel I cant move in together with her officially, because even though we spend so much time together, I need time once or twice a week to catch some breath and clean up a bit, otherwise it's a total chaos.
I'm only doing what's necessary to avoid a mental breakdown. It's hard enough as it is.
Does this sound unreasonable?