The last post I had a couple of months ago was how we were on the course for improvement. Husband had finally started meds and was taking them daily - moving over to Vyvanse that seemed to do the trick and we were able to navigate a tricky sale of our condo, pack up, move, I started a new job, he crashed the car/we bought a new one, and ALL of that without a major disagreement or me ending up in tears due to him getting angry/frustrated/irritable with me.
I can tell pretty immediately if he doesn't take his meds. He is more prone to ignore me, stonewall, get frustrated, twist my words around and be unreasonable with me or our children. It has left me a bit of a mental head case and I would equate it to living with an alcoholic that is perfectly fine sober (i.e. taking meds) and then gets drunk and blows up at me (i.e. not on meds). I have my own therapist and he has his own.
His adhd manifests itself pretty much as criticism, irritability, defensiveness, stonewalling - basically the four horsemen of the apocalypse from the Gottman Institute which is a 90% predictor of divorce. I'm so. . . tired of it all and I'm all out of love for him.
I've tried to explain that I've noticed a significant improvement with him taking meds, and I try to demonstrate how appreciative I am of the efforts, etc. I also have tried to have conversations with him about noticing the difference in a med day/versus not a med day. He claims he takes them everyday and when he gets angry with me it isn't all about his adhd. It's just me.
Having him on consistent meds and me not changing much of my behaviour really has me realizing that I'm not at fault here (like he always says I'm at fault and I make him irritable/angry/etc). I do love him, particularly when he is the man I know he is deep down, but I feel like a dog that loves his master and when he's kind to me it's great, and then one day - bam- the dog just gets kicked in the face. I feel like if I had any self-respect, I'd leave.
I'm going to request a trial separation. I know he's going to blame it all on me. But, I don't see another way out. I need to live my own life, not one dependent on him decided to take his meds.
I'm also getting pretty sick of his therapist (our old joint therapist) that thinks we can just solve this by having better communication techniques.
Anyone have any tips on navigating a trial separation with an adhd spouse so in denial and that blames everything on you?