My wife has been diagnosed, within the last year, with ADHD and various disorders associated with ADHD. We will be married 10 years this year and, like many in the book, have had ADHD symptoms and my reactions to these symptoms take a toll on our marriage over the years. Just last night, I expressed my need for more attention from my ADHD spouse. I was met with frustration and her argument that she has "been better lately". I am truly trying to be patient, and I know overcoming this together takes time. But the repeating feelings of loneliness, lack of affection and just not feeling at all wanted by my spouse continues to eat at me. I do not know if I need to do more to cope myself, or if I need to do more for my spouse, but it is as if I see her attention placed to anyone but me. It hurts, it is deteriorating my self esteem and I don't know what I need to do to make it better or to assist the process. What has worked for you? What can I do to help myself and my spouse? Should I just suck it up and be more patient? I find myself lashing out and becoming more angry the more I experience these feelings. Please help!!! I will do whatever it takes.
I feel your pain.
Submitted by SJC2021 on
I feel your pain.
I suggest you read these forums and come to a hard conclusion. Things aren't going to get better man.
Even with meds, therapy, and a WILLING partner you are hoping for OK at best.
She will never be a normal partner, I hate to say.
Like I said, read this website. You are not alone. 10 years is long enough to suffer.
Submitted by c ur self on
13 years here, married to an high level add wife....I've gotten past it for the most part...It meaning, expectations for real lasting change, etc. etc...Just wanted to speak to you about the state you've gotten to emotionally and mentally, and your willingness to do what ever it takes... That reality of mind is quiet normal for a man or women who loves their spouse, but, find's that the energy, & commitment (acts of daily love, and marriage responsibilities) isn't coming back....
A few suggestions that helped me, and could help you hopefully is....1) It's very important that you turn your focus onto your own life, your words and actions, toward her, and own those...No matter her life style, or how much you want to blame her for not putting time, energy and attention on to you and the relationship....2) Secondly, you have to disassociate yourself from her actions, (protect your feelings, your self esteem etc) she would be this way with any man..PERIOD!!....Most all of us here have found this to be a reality we share in!...You must get this part, we all must get it, male and female! You didn't make her, nor can you change her! 3) Yes, you will need to be the fly on the wall, and accept her reality, and the huge difference in how she can focus, and deal with life...She will never match you, in attention, focus, seeing the needs of others, etc...Life will always be a lot more overwhelming for her, than for you....Everyone w/ add/adhd is different, just like everyone that does not have it...But many suffer w/ similar traits....
Things that happened to me right off was all bad.....I became the enabler, I became the anger person, who was walking on eggshells who watched my wife hyper focus on everything she enjoyed, except her marriage responsibilities....I was so lonely! So as I realized her life style wasn't intentionally meant to destroy me and us...I realized I had to keep on living...So I placed boundaries to protect us both....I stopped enabling and picking up behind her...I stopped allowing her to use me as the maid etc....In general, I learned to be the person I was before I met and married her...I learned I could, LIVE MY LIFE, no matter what she did...I didn't have to be angry or ugly, I could stop pointing out her behaviors that was limiting our ability grow together as one...I was much more patient with her, and felt much more empathy for her, when I never allowed myself to be drug into unwise living by her....You must have boundaries in place in all area's to protect yourself (and her) from trying to **THINK** for one another....The justifying of unkind words or actions has to die, for the relationship to be livable....You (we all) have to accept the reality of the huge differences....Boundaries WILL make you not be able to do the things many normal couples are capable of doing together!!! But, it's a small price for a peaceful life!
Human's (all of us) can be selfish, even when what we want is just what we were promised at the alter....But, the question we have to ask ourselves with a high level add spouse isn't.....What did we promise? Or, what do I want?....But, what is possible?
I personally just look to Jesus, and live my own life....MY wife and I share in a lot of good times together, but, we have to have boundary discussions before we attempt any big thing (trips, purchases,etc) ....She is negative on starting intimate interaction (age etc.) but, she loves her Orgasms just like I do...So our sex is mostly planned...I ask for every two or three days, and she will put me off until every four or five days....She loves to control things...LOL....
Blessings to you friend...
I ask you in all sincerity...
Submitted by SJC2021 on
I ask you in all sincerity......how is this a life ? A marriage ?
You are an adult babysitter, and your needs will never be met !
Divorce is a horrible thing. Wasting the only life God gave you babysitting someone who will never truly appreciate you is even worse.
Submitted by c ur self on
I went back and read your original post; I don't disagree with the pattern's of behaviors you've dealt with, and listed as facts for so many high level adhd minded people...But, everyone is different!....If any of us speak for God, (what he wants for us) we need to make sure we understand what we are speaking...This fleshly life is a vapor he tells us...Abundant and eternal life is only found, and experienced, in him, through Jesus, he tells us....
He also gives believers a few reason's that they aren't bound to their marriage vows...Death, Abandonment by a non-believing spouse, and adultery/fornication (sex out side the union)....He's not so much concerned (based on his words) about happiness for human's in this fleshly life, as he is contentment for our souls through his Son....
Saying this, I will also say I understand you completely, I could have been you (writing your post) much of my life....In my particular situation, my wife has a lot of the struggles you speak of.....hyper focus, attention issues, loves the fun stuff, self absorbed to a degree (especially with marriage responsibility)...But, she is a believer....She has grown away from some of her denial this past year...Which I credit to the heavenly Father alone...She surrounds herself w/ Christian friends, (She has learned to be honest with them, and seeks their prayers) she loves all our children and grand children...She has worked very hard to control her emotions the past year...So have I....There has been a lot more humility in our lives, and relationship this year...There has to be grace, and forgiveness in every marriage, but, so much more when our minds work so differently....There has to be acceptance, and walking away from our many difference's for peace to be had....It's not for everyone.....
But I will tell you, I think many peoples lives (mind types) do not work well or at all :), in marriage relationships...There just isn't enough desire or ability to met the demands of the daily responsibilities....God has blessed me with a good life...The more I count my blessings the better it gets....
I want ever stand before God for my wife's sins...But I will for my own.....
Submitted by ceveland on
Thank you for your reply and your advice. I completely agree with your suggestions and just reached the chapter in the book where it discusses not trying harder, but trying differently. This is not something I have done before and definitely not something I am used to but something I intend to do. I love my wife deeply and need to do what is best for myself, her, and our marriage. Thank you again, reading your post helped me greatly!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
It's like it could've written these words myself. Especially when you talked about wanting more attention, and feeling unwanted. Your feelings are valid! I don't have an answer, except that I'm contemplating ending my relationship.