Hello, I am so happy to have found this site. I do not know of any support groups that deal with wives with husbands and children with ADHD and I have not found a marriage therapist that can help because I believe that in order to help they need to understand this disorder. I really need to talk to someone who will understand because I do not have much family around and those that are around definately do not understand. I hope that it is o.k if I get my story off my chest and maby it will help me see things more clearly and maby someone will have some advise or support. Thanks:
I married my husband 13 years ago. When we first married my husband worked for his family business which did not pay enough for us to live on and the family eventually leased the business out. My husband could not find a job so I did everything I could to help him find something. I convinced him to get his CDL license and atleast that would be a start. I was in nursing school which was extremely stressful. He was supportive during that time. Then we had a son who is now 11. I started working and we eventually had a daughter now age 8. Both of our kids have ADHD, my son has inattentive type and really does not have any behavior problems, but my daughter has hyperactive/impulsive type and alot of behavior problems. My husband continued to drive a soda truck delivering soda, while I worked stressful 12 hour shifts. The thing is; it was my responsiblity to get the kids up in the morning and to daycare by 6: 15 which might have not been much of a problem if you didn't have a daughter that resisted, screamed, cried, threw tantrums, refused to get dress, etc... etc... and then screached at the top of her lungs everyday all the way to daycare before I went to work on a stressful hospital unit. Then after working 12 hours I would get home exhausted to a screaming, tantruming daughter and nothing done, not even dinner for me. I handled everything regarding the kids and managing a family. (During this time I was also battling a painful illness that only recently they found treatment for .) Meanwhile my husband continued at his stress free job that did not/ does not pay well. We fought frequently about his lack of ambition and unwillingness to try to do better for the familys future. Several times I overheard him say "If you don't want to worry about money just marry a nurse". I started to resent him. Not only did he/does he lack initiative to improve his job situation, I am constantly disappointed, does not put any effort in celebrating any of our birthdays, mothersday, or any other holiday. I do all the work and feel like he does not share the joy with me. We never go out as a couple. I have several friends, but he does not have any friends that he hangs out with. He blames me for our problems because I had an illness and did not feel well alot of the time, well not only was I ill but I was overwhelmed and stressed) He likes to pretend that he is incapable of doing things because it is easier to do that than put effort into actually doing things. He likes to play the innocent card, poor me with the nagging wife. To others he plays the silly jokester that elderly people think is so charming. I am burnt out and overwhelmed. He is always willing to do things like running errands but it takes forever, yesterday I asked him to run to the store which is 5 minutes from our house to get 3 things, it took him 4 hours). We have talked and he is always going to try harder, make changes, well it never happens. He is very passive but will explode and over react over mild incidents. Sometimes he explodes at us in public and will start screaming and acting crazy and he doesn't even make sense. It is very embarrassing. I am not saying that I am not wrong in some of our arguments, what I am saying is his reactions are way out of proportion and this turns things into major issues. For example: Last Saturday morning we were getting ready for our sons basketball game and we were running a little bit late, I was trying to get everyone ready and in the car and I needed help and when I asked he just started yelling at everyone and saying ridiculous things and that he was just going to leave me home. So today, this a.m. we were getting ready for the basketball game, while I was upstairs, I heard our daughter say she wanted to watch a t.v. show, my husband said "No we have to go" she said, Can you record it, He said "I will think about it" well this sent her into a tantrum (why couldn't he just say yes) he insist on getting in power struggles with an 8 year old. I was trying to get everyone ready and I asked him to butter her waffles and put them in a container so that we can take them in the car, by this time we really needed to go and he just sat in the chair playing with the remote control trying to put blocks on her t.v. show. So I kept telling (nagging) him that I really needed help so we could get going because he is always yelling at me that I cause everyone to be late. Well he started yelling that he was going to leave me home and stomping around and acting like a baby. Then we were in the car and he started yelling nonsense and switching the gears from Park, drive, Reverse really fast, this scared the kids and scared me that he was going to break the car, then he realized that he did not have any shoes on and he turned around and pulled in the driveway and threw the keys in the snow, the kids were crying, he was acting out of control, I grabbed the other set of keys because I just wanted to take the kids away from this and he jumped in the car and yes I lashed out at him and tried to hit him and push him out of the car and he continued to scream (He has never hit me or the kids, but he has broken things and I never hit him before) So then he turns it around and now I am the bad guy and we are not talking!!!! It is almost like he wanted to start a fight today. Maby because tomorrow is Valentines day and now he is off the hook and has a reason not to do anything. This type of outburst is getting more and more frequent. I am just so unhappy and depressed and lonely. I often feel like leaving him but I literally don't have anyone who would help me or provide any support. Also, my big mistake is that all these years I was under the impression that he was good at handling our finanaces, yeah I know, stupid. I was too overwhelmed to keep an eye on it. My check was direct deposit and he handled all the bills, well I just recently found out that he has been lying about our financial situation and we are now in major debt and at risk of loosing our house. And yes he blames me, by saying "I couldn't say no to you when you wanted something". My daughter was abused while in daycare and I pursued legal charges and he said he cared about what happened but I never felt it. My mother has Alzheimer disease and he has never comforted me or expressed that he was sorry that this happened to her. I don't know sometimes I think that he just puts on an act, he acts all sweet and innocent, but he is not very warm, sometimes I think that he really is just unfeeling and nasty but tries to cover it up.
Well, Thanks for reading I know this is long. I am sorry it is so fragmented, I just have so much that I want to get out.