Long Distance, Long Term, ADHD

Hello all, 

I have been having a very difficult time. I have been with my partner for just over 4.5 years at this point. For the first 3.5 years, we had a very challenging and tumultuous, but a very rewarding relationship. Just this past August, however, he got a new job offer across the country, so we had to do long distance for the first time in our relationship. The long distance has been ridiculously hard, and with the exception of the first two months or so, when he missed me very much, it has felt like I have been doing all the work to make sure that we stay in communication, keep in touch, and make plans to see each other. By November/December, things got really bad--he didn't plan ahead to visit me in November, and I began to get very angry with him. He had promised to visit my family for the holidays, which he forgot about, and it wasn't until I put more pressure on him to make plans that he finally decided to come. We had a wonderful time, and it's like he remembered what it was like to be together once we were together again.

Come New Years, I told him how difficult long distance was, how being able to see each other was the most important thing, and that we shouldn't ever go more than 6 weeks without seeing each other. We thus decided we'd see each other around Valentine's day. He didn't make any plans, of course, and I ended up making plans for us to meet up. We did, and it was a wonderful Valentine's day--and it was like he remembered all over again how good it was to be together. At this point, I began losing faith that he'd remember how good we had it the more we spent time apart. I had to go abroad for research, and early April, which was my birthday, he was supposed to visit me to see me before I left for 3 months. He didn't make plans until the day before my birthday when tickets were too expensive. He wasn't able to come, and I had to leave the country just a few days later. 

A week or so later he got his dream job, and I was very happy for him, but the past few months have been terrible for me. I have been so angry, frustrated, and depressed with him, for (what looked like) his lack of effort in keeping in touch, for not caring enough, for not realizing what he needed to do on his end to meet me half way and keep what I believed to be a valuable long-term relationship going. He tried to do what he could to stay in touch, but things then got really busy, we got into a fight when he blew up over a moment of insecurity on my part and my needing reassurance from him (long distance has been very hard for me and his blowing up at little things or if I asked for the wrong thing, etc., was a staple in the relationship), blamed me for "repeating the pattern" of insecurity, and we stopped speaking. Since then, he would do little things to "keep in touch," but we haven't spoken for about a month now. 

He used to tell me he loved me every day, even at points during long distance, but he hasn't at all. I tried asking him recently about it, and he couldn't tell me he loved me. He said he was still in a "position of solitude," and that he was dealing with a complex emotional state about us--combining, to use his words, love, but also nostalgia, introspection, and guilt about my suffering. In fact, at certain points, there were times that I think he wondered if we should end it because I wasn't happy.

Just last week, I found out about adult ADHD and read up on it voraciously. I was stunned. Every single thing spoken exactly to every single issue that had come up in our relationship. All this to say, I realized that there is a chance that my partner has this, and it made me make sense of so much of what he had said--that he has "limited bandwidth" for being able to give attention to his dream job and attention to me, that he couldn't give me any of that attention, that this is large part because he's afraid because he doesn't want to screw up at this amazing job opportunity, his lack of being able to plan ANYTHING, his promises to keep in touch or to see me that were broken, his not being able to motivate himself to do anything about the fact that I was suffering more and more except shut down and feel like a failure. At this point, I have been working hard to give him space while changing my attitude--now that this is making a lot of sense, I am trying to understand more the situation he is in.

I am still suffering a lot, and luckily I will be seeing him next week, but in the meantime I can't help but wonder if the relationship has been damaged. I wonder if he still loves me, or if it is possible for him to shut off emotions, which I have sometimes thought, or if it is just a matter of not being able to give it attention. I am less angry on the whole--there are still times that I get angry--and trying to come to terms with everything. I plan to talk to him about ADHD at some point when I see him (this is something he has joked about having in the past, although neither of us knew he might actually have it--he's also joked that maybe he's brain damaged, or missing a part of his brain), but only after we patch up where we are in the relationship at this point.

I am trying to be strong and patient as I wait out the time I have left before I see him--we are still not talking--but I am wondering, for persons with ADHD out there, if the urge to break off a valuable relationship is strong when things get difficult like this, and where love fits into all of it. Namely, if, in the long-winded but still-not-quite-complete-enough situation I've presented, at this point I need to worry about whether he even still loves me at all, whether there is hope on his side and in the way that he thinks for this relationship to work. As upset, angry, frustrated, and depressed as I have been, I am still trying to hold out hope; especially after finding out about adult ADHD, I am trying to be more optimistic about things since it may be there is an explanation for all the misunderstandings. But I'm at a low point currently, and just wondering if there's any way to get the relationship back to where we were, or if at this point, in the way that he thinks, things are hopeless?

Sorry for being so long-winded and not even knowing what I'm asking for. I guess I just want to know if there's hope, or whether he's lost his love for me, and whether that kind of emotional blocking can happen with ADHD at all, particularly with the added hurdle of long distance...