My husband (who has ADHD) and I have been married for three years and lived together for 8 and a half. He began a medication regiment last fall after being diagnosed by a specialist a friend of mine referred me to. He did not fight me at all about it and has been very diligent about his medication schedule. He has never had a problem keeping a job, but he's felt that his quality of work has gone u substantially since being on the meds.
In February of this year, I left our home for the past 5 years in Cincinnati, OH to accept a job in the Raleigh, NC area. This is approximately a 10 hour drive away. As a result, we have only seen each other once per month since then. Although, I was the once who applied for the job, I told him I wouldn't go on the interview if he didn't want me to and later that I would turn down the job if he didn't want me to. I was on unemployment at this juncture, but knew that distance was an acceptable reason to turn down a job if I continued on unemployment, which I expressed to him. He said that it was too good an opportunity to pass up, but that I should be prepared for some really severe depression from him. I agreed and said we'd work it out together.
I spent the first few weeks in February looking for an apartment and settling in. My new job pushed back my start date a week to correspond with their training schedule, so I decided to go back to Cincinnati for a week to spend time with my husband and to visit with friends we had there (we had no family because we're both originally from NY). From the moment I arrived there, he was very rude to me. He said he was stressed out because I had called him several times on the road after getting lost (we are like the only two people on the planet who still don't have GPS or a Smart Phone). My feeling was this was just an excuse though and he basically went off on me about me "forcing him to move" and we even discussed getting a divorce. I decided to just let it ride and let him think about everything. We actually had a lovely few days towards the end of the trip and when I talked to him about it a month later he said, of course he didn't want a divorce. He told me as a hard as it was losing his friends, it would be way harder losing me.
The agreement had always been that he would move here. We have had some disagreements about when that would be. I had hoped it would be when our lease was up on our apartment in Cincinnati, which was in April, but he wanted to wait until I got switched to permanent (the job I accepted was temp-to-hire), which would be no sooner than the end of August. His reason for this was the insurance, but my feeling was that with the amount we'd save on rent, we could pay for our own insurance until I went permanent. His insurance in Cincinnati is not that spectacular anyway. We were paying a few hundred out of pocket for his medical expenses every month.
The current plan is that he will move out here the beginning of August, whether or not he has a job. The reason for that being that when our lease was up on our last apartment, he subleased a new apartment, which ends at the end of July. I am hoping that the timeframe will motivate him to get serious on looking for a job.
In Feb/March he told me he couldn't look because he was working on a project for a friend of ours he agreed to before we moved, in April he said he couldn't because he was packing for his move (he's moved most of our stuff down to NC), in May he was working on the resume (just finished about 2 weeks ago), and now he can't find anything other than what we applied to together when he was here last week on our anniversary. It just feels like there is no end to the excuses. Now he's talking about going back to school, which is fine, but I want him to find a job first. It seems like the only time he thinks about school is when he's out of work. It is frustrating because it feels like he doesn't feel the gravity of the importance for him to move here and for us to move on to the next stage of our lives.
Anyone have any experience in a similar situation? ADHDers, any tips that have helped you to get motivated to do something you really don't want to do? Non-ADHD spouses, how have you found you could best help your ADHD spouse?