Preface: I'm up all night again, and I can't sleep. I've been doing a lot of connecting up lately and part of it....I need to get down before I lose it. lol And a caveat before I continue. As I explain a life changing experience that had....I would be remiss in saying: This is not something I would recommend or try on your own. In fact don't...unless you do it with someone who knows what they are doing. There are places you can go and do this I found in my research....but I'm not including here for any other reason than for what I learned and what has come out of it. That's the most important thing to me so it should be the focus for anyone reading this. Fair warning:)
This will cover a lot of ground so I need to make this a multiple part post or I'll get too constricted in my ability to put it all together. The topics include: Attachment Theory, Dissociative Spitting, Religion and Spirituality and how I am relating it to having ADHD. That's a lot of ground! ha! And because I think what I have to say is so important. I need to lend some insight and research I've done to validate a lot of what I have to say here. To start....I've been researching and seeking answers to this for years now...to the point of even taking an University Level course on it to try and find my answers to what I experienced. This goes back a ways into my past....but what I took from it is here with me on a daily basis. That's what a positive experience this was for me albeit....in the way I am and the way I tend to do things....it was one of those leap first....think about later impulsive experiences that turned out just fine in the end. And then some:)
All I ask...is to have a open mind and not discount what I have to say. Not for my sake....but possibly discounting some really valuable information that you're probably not going to get from a therapist or Doctor for sure. Having said that.....Doctors don't know everything....they just people too you know? lol
legal disclaimer: Just because Johnny jumps off a cliff....doesn't mean you should do it too!
The Long Strange Trip...the Waiting for a Miracle
I've done a lot of crazy things in my life...and this one is one of them. But.. out of all of the accidents I've had in my life that didn't go well....this one is a shining star as far as the ones where I came out Okay. To say the least.
In the beginning....I was a straight laced kid who was seeking something to relieve the pain and insecurity that I was carrying around with me from my childhood that I had grown so use to that I believed this was as good as it gets. This is it....and will be my life until I reach the very end. And the end was something that I thought...might come sooner than later for me. That feeling was like I was going to die came from the abuse of my childhood and had it reached a point....where I just didn't care any more. Not caring if you die...is different than thinking about killing yourself or suicide which I have never had those thoughts. Wanting to sometimes could be included in not caring if you do...if that makes any sense? I don't care which side of ADHD you're on....a person like I was...is going to be in need of something and until you figure it out.....you are not going to feel any better. In my case...I wasn't trying to figure anything out....I was only looking for some relief for the pain.
So for me coming from a pretty straight up Christian family who had some more strict ideas of how to interpret this....I was not someone who didn't consider things or consider breaking the law as no big deal or not something to worry about. Having said that....it was the early 70's in Jr High and High School when I first started experimenting with drugs.
A side story, related directly to ADHD...one of my friends who was the first to join me in my experimentation....had a father who was a pharmacist. lol Needless to say....we took the scientific approach and pulled his fathers pharmacological book out and did our home work first. And since he worked for his father at times filling scripts....instead of throwing pills out like he was suppose to when they fell on the floor....these would come home with him and the two of us would try them out and take them for a spin! lol
This was the first time I tried Amphetamines, it was pure grade pharmaceutical speed direct from the source. This is actually the story I told my nurse practitioner when filling out my "drug experiences" questionnaire... to test to see if I had ADHD from the things I said. And as I told her...."yeah...I was kind of disappointed when I first tried it....thinking it was going to do something which it didn't in my mind....except, I really felt great and my mind was extremely sharp and clear after taking it but I really didn't think much in terms of getting me "high"...which it didn't at all." Which as she told me after I filled out the questionnaire....that was the right answer she was looking for.
So moving onward from those first experiences. I really had no interest in pills and really didn't like anything we fooled around with right at first and stopped doing that right away. Only to graduate to hard drugs ( as I thought any drug was for me ) and right on to Marijuana which was extremely popular at the time and readily available. Outside of Pot and Beer....these were really the only "hard drugs" I ever did during those early years in High School. Except for one exception....
Where I live....Magic Mushrooms or Psyilocybin grows wild everywhere. All you needed to do was find a cow pasture and start rooting around in the grass and you'll find some if you know what to look for. This was kind of a ritual thing every October for a lot of people to go Mushroom picking and I was invited along to discover how to do this. And as I found that was really fun during that time in my life.... were going to costume parties at Halloween on mushrooms which made that even that much more entertaining. lol It became a yearly tradition and the only other drug that I really like doing but on a limited basis in the fall every year.
And just to reiterate...my drug usage was pretty limited and I took it rather seriously. I don't have an addictive personality (that God! ) and law breaking was one big consideration....getting caught by my parents would have been even worse! Which....I managed to do and how I'll never know?
So from that limited background....I proceeded off to college where I met a couple of friends and one was majoring in chemistry. This guy was somewhat entrepreneurial by nature and devised a way to manufacture a small amount of high grade LSD in the University chemistry lab right on campus....using their equipment and chemicals which appeared to have very good results. We had some pretty interesting adventures out in the woods,in the Mountains and skinny dipping naked in remote forest hot springs with "Hippies"..... and in general... having a lot of fun and laughing so much at times with my college friends that I would wake up the next day with an sore jaw and stomach muscles. lol This was also on a very limited special occasion type basis which only amounted to a hand ful of times. I guess if your going to do these things....college is always a good time to do it. Isn't that why you go there anyway? lol Anyway...as a parting gift from my friend the chemistry student at the end of the year....he slipped me a little vile that contained some this pure LSD he made in liquid form as a going away present at the end of the school year. At the time....I was needing a break from that and was not really interested. I'd had my fun and was planning on keeping it that way. I ended up throwing that vile in amongst a bunch of keep sakes from college and never bothered looking for it again.
Fast forward....15 years later.
I was really struggling at the time and was in severe need of some kind of miracle to snap me out of the depression I was having. I was married at the time and things were beginning to go down hill for me. I didn't know I had ADHD and had already discovered most my symptoms the hard way with no way of understanding how to fix it or make how I felt any better. A friend of mine who was a big Grateful dead fan moved home from San Francisco to live in our city again and who was urging me to go see them with him the next time they came through town. Not having see them but not that interested in them at first....he finally twisted my arm to go see them and we both set out with tickets in hand when that opportunity presented itself. And in one of those spur of the moment decisions...I remembered that vile again. When I found it in my stash of keep sakes from college.... the vile was dry and empty from sitting for all those years...so I figured I'd just add a little water and get what little I could out of it just as an after thought. I needed something to get me out of my funk and that was as far as my thinking went.
So when we arrived at the venue....there were thousands of people everywhere...and it seemed like the time and the place to throw down the vile of water and go hear some music which I was really looking forward to since I was struggling as I said.
As I discovered within in short period of time.....the amount I thought might not do anything...was actually a massive dose of pure LSD that exceeded anything that I had ever expected. (or ever experienced before in my previous experiences) This turned out to be a life changing event for me quite by accident.
This is where I can start to pull all that I learned from what happened that day and apply it to so many things...I'm still trying to piece this all together. In order to do this....I'll stop here and include the topics that came out of this and how I can apply it.
Satori: the Buddhist experience of enlightenment or Nirvana
Echart Tolle: and his personal experiencing the same thing only getting there a different way
Inner peace, connection made inside the brain, attachment, and..... "hallucinatory thinking" and "extinguishing conditioned responses" which NowOrNever brought up in another unrelated thread on Attachment theory. If I can manage go do this well....I will be able to really explain what dissociation is and how this might be useful ...in terms of ADHD and explaining those ruminating voices or thoughts inside your head from the past. In that same thread....Cur Your Self was looking for answers in dealing with the same kind of things with his wife....and now with what I've come to learn with my recent experience in successfully breaking through the wall of denial for the first time with my wife as well.
Including some thoughts how this applies to the topic of Narcissism and the discussion brought up in the blog post that Melissa Orlov included with some things that I feel are related.
And the very real religious or spiritual awakening experience when you become "One" with the universe which is that "one" experience that has been well documented in association with hallucinogenic drugs like LSD. In my case....this was by complete mishap or accident that this happened to me but....it changed my life from that day moving forward right up until this very day. In many respects...it was the miracle I had been waiting for.
Before I end this part 1 of trying to pull a lot of things together here.....I only wanted to add that I am not promoting or suggesting anyone follow my footsteps here. And at the very least just simply stating that I'm not advocating drug use or experimenting with them just to see what happens. This was a one time deal for me and was completely an accident that it worked out like this for me. There is so much I don't know how to explain but only to say that this really was a miracle in my life in a very positive way. I think regardless of the impression this might lead you to....this experience has given me quite a unique perspective and it's that perspective that is really the most important thing of all. Unless you think this sounds fishy or doesn't sound like it is worth considering....I have spent years like I said researching this experience and I am far from the only person who has ever had this happen. In this much...what I know....is that it's not a common one and pretty rare even for someone who goes seeking this experience and doing it the same way....have found they many or even most people.....never have this happen even then.
In that much....I feel pretty lucky indeed. More to come after I have a chance to think about how to tie this all together but at least now I can refer to this experience and apply what I've learned from it.