Long story but I really need help badly: new here (my friend had undiagnosed ADD) and very frustrated

Hi everyone,

I live in the Netherlands (where the only ADD forum for adults is very inactive, hence my trying here for support and ideas) and my boyfriend of two years had undiagnosed ADD.

We met on a dating site 2 years ago, and it was love at first sight for both of us. I had been divorced for 4 years and doing quite allright in my job and with my big kids, he had separated from his wife a year before we met, and his situation was still complicated: he lived in a house together with 2 other divorced men, had no paid job but was trying to get 2 small companies started up. I worried slightly about the situation but boy I was so in love.

Last summer he had to make a decision about his living place, the house he was living in with the two other guy was going to be sold and he needed a place to live, the situation between us was so good and he was so often at my place anyway that we decided he'd move in with me. My younger son (15 y.o) really liked him so no problem.

But... I have been confronted with so many issues since we live together that I wonder what to do. I still love him but I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes feel like running away.

He still doesn't have a proper job. One of the company he was trying to start up collapsed when he and his older brother (they were in this together) decided to pull out. This also led to a break up between his two brothers (the older and the younger one) and he's still very frustrated about the whole situation.
He decided to carry on with the other company, a small software company. He designed a software a few years ago, based on some ideas he had on interviewing people and doing counseling online. Many people who used the software say it's great but it needs further development and he had no money for that . So he's trying to find funds here and there. In the meantime he sometimes does a small job like mystery shopping and earns just enough to pay his share in our household. This is something he's been doing very faithfully, and as soon as he gets money it goes in our common pot.

He's also bee trying to apply to various jobs in his old trade (he used to have a company as a business consultant) but he's 55 years old and he's been out of "real" employment the past 4 years. So it's quite obvious nobody is really waiting for him.

He's obviously feeling very down about the situation. I suspect he's quite depressed. His attitude with me varies from nice and tender to completely indifferent. TO add up, the contact with his two sons (19 and 15) is not good, they live together with their mum, and she refuses to communicate with him. Sheactually    broke up the marriage, because she found him unreliable.

So. What do I do next. I really DO love him a lot. I am also CONVINCED he has quite severe ADD. I am a teacher and I work with kids with ADHD and ADD all the time, and when I read a list of symptoms about adult ADD it's like reading a biography of my friend. Everything is there, absolutely everything. But he refuses to get a diagnose, because as he puts it: "he doesn't want to be labeled".. And the craziest thing? He studied psychology....

I am torn between two ideas: one of them is to run away and try to heal, but I also love him and they're are also many good things in our relationship.. I only wrote about the bad ones at the moment because I'm completely down. We share very many similar interest, have fun together, enjoy doing the same things, can talk for hours. I enjoy his erudition and the way he associate ideas in an unusual way. 

Who can help me sort up this mess????

Thank you for reading this long test.

Homerun

Does your boyfriend

Does your boyfriend acknowledge that he has ADD/ADHD? In my experience, the biggest improvements happened when my husband realized that he had a condition. He couldn't blame me for all of our problems anymore. 

Is you boyfriend willing to educate himself about ADHD? Learning about his condition has been helpful for my husband. 

Is your boyfriend willing to try medication for ADHD? A lot of people have success with medication. However, my husband did not. He's tried four different medications. Three of them had horrible side effects and one made his ADHD worse. 

Is your boyfriend willing to do counseling? My husband made a very weak attempt at counseling and then quit. However, we live in a very remote area and counselors aren't available. Email, phone, or skype are the only options. 

This is my point. Nothing will improve or change unless your boyfriend wants it to. He has to be willing to spend some time, do some work on his own, and work with you in order for his situation to improve. You can't do it for him. Believe me. I learned this the hard way. For years I was the only one that cared about our problems. I was the only one researching, reading, praying. It wasn't until my husband acknowledged the problem and put in some effort that things got better. And even then, the payoffs from his efforts have been very hit and miss. 

I wish only the best for you and your boyfriend.