The Long Strange Trip....Final Destination

"Two possibilities exist. Either we are alone in the universe or we are not, both are equally terrifying."  Arthur C. Clarke Link:The Smallest to the Biggest thing in the Universe! (HD) how Big is the Universe

Last night, my wife sits down and tells me she is doing her homework that our T assigned her after her recent visit alone with him a few days ago.  I've noticed a difference in my wife that has had an immediate positive effect on me.... but I didn't want to jump all over her the minute she walked in the door and told her.." I've love to here about what he said but for now, all I want to know is did you have a good talk with him.  I don't want to you to feel like we have to discuss this all right now but I am interested."(quote..unquote)

When my wife said this, I felt it would be a good time to ask her what that assignment was and hear what he had to say.  Her response to me was " You didn't want to hear about it the other day when you asked me."  In a definitive statement about the exact highlighted sentence that I really did say. (quote...unquote)  No room for error or interpretation what so ever.  "No you didn't"  That's what I heard. (errrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! lol)

This is Parr for the course for us in how she communicates with me.... in which I immediately replyed " I didn't say that but I'm not going to argue with you about it."  Boom. Dome deal.  I refuse to argue but she's not putting words into my mouth either.  I call her on this every single time and never let her get away with it.  She hates that!! lol  But I care if she hates it or not.  I didn't say that and she's not going to tell ME what I said.  (Fuck you) This is honestly how I feel about that, take it or leave it. I don't say the Fuck You part to her....but it is what I feel like saying every time she does that.  It's sooooooooo negative!!!! 

For me, as it was directed.... directly at what I said to her which I remember exactly what I said. It's Catty.  It's snippy. It's demeaning. It's insulting. It's dismissive. It's offensive. I't boorish. It's fatalistic. It's sarcastic. It's childish. And it's just plain rude. She just took a big shit...right on top of my interest in her and my interest in what my T had to say all in one statement.  No matter what was up her butt in the moment....and no matter what I might have done in the past to warrant such a statement.  Right that moment in the present time....I hadn't done anything but show interest in her and nothing else.  But I know better than to argue with the mind of a child because that's that half of brain that is saying those things.  Not the adult half...but the child who is responding to (my personal judgment)...a piece of shit mother who was more interested in going to the bar because she was an alcoholic...which means that alcohol is WAY more important than her own children. 

And then to find her next co-dependent Alcoholic bar fly husband to join her at the bar and pull up a hear her go on about how horrible her life has been and how everyone is always dumping on me and making my life soooo hard.  How "I've always gotten the short end of the stick."  How "all my past Husbands were abusive, womanizing, woman haters and beat her and cheated on her and how she has to drink to get over the damage they've caused her."  Which I can just picture the guy sitting next to her either going: " Jesus...sorry I asked."  Or....."That sounds awful Honey.  You poor, let me buy you another drink." (and maybe come home you later and get laid heh, heh, heh )   ( sucker! )

Frankly.....I wouldn't F*&%K her, with someone else's "dick" buddy...even your's.  She's a walking night sex is worth that!!! OMG!! 

But did he listen?  No...the two of them came home to my wife and little brother. In which in her sparkling example of  mothering and setting an example.. dumped all over the two of them for not doing what ever it was that they didn't do which was nothing since she wasn't there to tell them (their little kids right?) So in a few minutes of her precious time she had to give...she looks around and see's everything they didn't do and if she couldn't find something...she make it up so there was always something she could complain about and make it someone else fault. All done...with that same venom and negativity and crying in her beer victim mentality attitude to go along with it.

Afterwards.... as she says to the guy she just brought home as they are walking toward the bedroom.."Kids....they're such a pain!  C'mon baby...let's go where we can be left alone. " In plain ear shot of her children of course.  She could care less who heard her or how that affected her children.  She had every right to say that since....everyone's always out to get poor old me and I have a right to let everyone know that!!!  I've been given the short end of the stick I'm telling you!!!"  Right.

So when I hear this piece of shit talking through my wife and trying to get me to buy into that sob story.  I'm not buying it for a second....but the last thing I'm going to do is argue with her about that as she's sitting there on that bar stool.  I also don't need to be compassionate or empathetic to it since......I'm the one who has to live with her..... living inside my wife's head pulling those strings....and  she was never welcome in my house in the first place.  Not in your lifetime sister!

And my response to my the same as it would have been for her mother...."Jesus...sorry I asked."....with the addition since I live with my wife and can't walk out of the bar to get away from this abusive childish mother who's still in there pulling on my wife's strings. "Don't put words into my mouth, I didn't say that."   And then I walk away or ignore her or both since....I'm not going there with her.

It doesn't take away from the dumped on feeling when I was actually showing interest in my wife and her therapy session....but at least...she will have some consequence to pay each time she does that with me.  And the conversation is over until she can learn to do this better. "If you're going to play.... you gotta pay the man."

But low and behold....last night....something happened!! lol

Right after I said what I wife stopped and in a moment, came to me and said.."that was didn't say that.  You said you wanted to hear what I had to say but not just right then.  I remember"

In which I added.."For you remember....I was thinking about you and only saying that in case you didn't want to talk about it right then.  Of course I'm interested...I've been anxious to hear about it...but I was just giving you some time and space and didn't want to jump all over you the second you walked in the door."

And then my wife told me what her assignment was given to her by my T.  "No matter what you say....make sure it's not negative."  That's it.  That's her home work assignment. He didn't give her any more instructions than that but look at what came out of my wife from just doing that simple thing.

  It's like a miracle I'm telling you!!! lol

My T is a genius.  What more can I say?

This was what was different about my wife.  If she cannot say what's negative....she cannot speak from that place in her.

I also learned something else from our conversation that is really interesting and most telling to me especially.

She told me when she was in his office.  She told him straight up.."this going inward thing that you talk about with all that psychological abstract stuff just doesn't work with me.  I'm a black and white thinker and I need straight forward tools to use that I can follow along with with and just do them.  I need you to give me a simple assignment like this and then just do it that way instead."

And she said this....... instead of what he had originally told her to do as her assignment.  Which was " to stop all those negative thoughts and thinking."

This is where she and I are so much different.  On the briggs meyer personality test scale.  I'm an INFP...Intuitve...Feeling...Perciever. Also know as a Healer.  Which accounts for only 4% of the population.  Yet...I'n an extrovert as well.  This is an odd thing to me?  The extrovert....really doesn't fit and I'm wondering know if that is not an accurate description of who I really am?  I think in all honesty....I learned to become an extrovert as a means to survive.  But in my true "Nature" not "Nuture"....I am an introvert as this personality test shows.  Can you be both and still have this personality and be true to who you are?  I'm still thinking on that one?  Thinking the answer is yes...since both nurture and nature are both comprised as being who you are today.

This is why I'm an odd one.  What you see on the not necessarily what you see on the inside and that is also part of what being and INFP is. it says. But yet...not reserved.

But that Chameleon...who can easily be the extrovert in a heart beat which is also who I am....needs to find a back seat to my true inner self at times....when faced with that situation where I need to access my feelings and use the intuition I've got. But that part that I learned to also part of who I am.  I don't need to change that for all good reasons.  The only part I think I need to change in all of the ability to understand those who are not like me better.  This is not a skill that I have had a chance to developed all things considered.  This is the repressed part of me that still needs to find it's way to the surface more but part of what stands in my way is the way I communicate which is all extrovert and very little introvert.  It's just a my T has told me repeatedly.  The problem with that habit in respect to my she cannot see anything outside of what she see's.  She is not like me in that respect but I give her a huge benefit of the doubt since I'm not like the majority of people out there including those with ADHD.  I'm the odd one as my mother even said to me.  The most important part in this it doesn't feel odd to me to be this way.  This is who I am and I know that part for sure.  I'm not a pleaser, a rescuer, or knight in shining armor.  And I'm not your stereotypical guy off the street by any means.  What I am is who I am.  And that part includes being an INFP and an extrovert with a potty mouth all at the same time.  The potty mouth I can turn on and off....but it is how I express myself and make a distinction with intention...between saying something one way....or saying it another way....and wanting the impact.  I want the impact that those words carry with them...or I wouldn't use them in the first place.  That is not from habit. I am highly aware of the words I use and the reasons why I use them.   Especially when I'm angry or expressing a strong opinion or feeling.  Words are just words....words cannot hurt you unless you allow them too.  Having banned "words" or "censored words" because they have some sexual or religious connotation to them.....seems absolutely ridiculous to me?  What are we...children?  Stick and stones man...WTF? lol

It took me forever to learn what "Bloody" this or  "Bloody" that was....used commonly in Britain.  Not until I heard it used in a sentence....."bloody sacrament"...did I understand the meaning.  Okay...even then.  What's big deal with saying that the "sacrament" is "bloody".  Isn't that what the sacrament is after all....supposedly......the symbolic blood of Christ?  When in's really Mogen David extra heavy Malaga wine or something awful along that order?  Who are you trying to fool here?  Ah...but it's symbolic...that's the point?  So does that mean if I drink Mogan David extra heavy Malaga wine at home it's some kind of  sacrilege since I'm drinking Christ's blood in vane?  Give me a break!!  That's utterly absurd!  I don't want to live symbolically....I want to live for real and be a real person....not a symbolic representation or extension of one?  And for that matter.....I want a real marriage....not a symbolic representation or extension of one there either?

"In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol. For our purpose here today, a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers. We are imperfect and mortal; he is perfect and immortal. But from time to time--indeed, as often as is possible and appropriate--we find ways and go to places and create circumstances where we can unite symbolically with him, and in so doing gain access to his power. Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power." Jeffrey R. Holland was president of Brigham Young University when this devotional address was delivered on 12 January 1988 in the Marriott Center.

Really?  You could have fooled me?  I felt God the day I had my experience on LSD and he didn't just take my hand in one of those symbolic moments.... he filled me to overflow inside and has never left ever since.  It's not symbolic....I feel it every day.  That was the real deal from my perspective and I didn't need to go to Church and follow any book to get there. This is extremely saddening to me.  To think...we only can have moments of symbolic feelings of God and the universe...and only when we follow these rules to get so very little out of life.  I feel sorry for old Jeffrey...but who am I to judge.

Actually....I don't judge.  As an INFP....I just feel sorry for what he's missing out of life.  Living...symbolically...with emblems we wear to show how we know God and the universe..... as he said it  "Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power."  I'd have to ask Jeffrey....what about the rest of the time?  What about everyday when your at home with your spouse?  Sounds like lip service to me all things considered?  I might advise Jeffrey...instead of LDS....maybe you should consider some LSD and see what you think?  I'm thinking...he might not respond well to that?

And here in lies MY personal problem.  If I'm kind of homogenous in some makes it difficult to always know where everyone else's boundary lines are boundaries are pretty big and wide and extend in a pretty big circle.  Since I don't believe what Jeffrey believes....I have to be the one to figure out where all those lines are to make sure I'm not stepping on any.  But at the same time while playing hop scotch and dancing all over the place looking for these invisible lines everywhere....unless I know a person well enough to establish that....I'm looking for lines more than I am being who I am and pretending to be what I'm not in service of all those lines and fences that if I had it my way.....would all be pulled down and erased with no lines at all?

But as I have come to fully understand now.  I'm the odd man out.  Not everyone else.  It is my responsibility to nearly everyone else ( me being the 1% or 2% out of 100%) to figure this out so I don't offend anyone and still be true to who I am at the same time.  I can tell you without question.....this is a burden and a task that is not that easy to do.  It's a lot to ask of an INFP extrovert...I'm telling you! lol

And what I really think that extrovert part is really the hyperactive ADHD part in me that drives me to extroversion.  And using my what I learned from my the part that I need to change my relationship with.  It's also part of me too.  The ADHD will always be there until the day I die.  It is part of who I am as well. not going to do anything about that part of my personality which I'm thankful for.  I don't want to be a different person.  Just a person that is a little more palatable for the main stream of society.  Fighting city hall has already been proven to be a foolish fight to make on my part.

I went on a different sight for a while with only people with ADHD.  When I was there....there was a poll be taken which asked if there were any INFP /extroverts out there since it seems like a very weird mix even for those with ADHD.  Sure that time.  I was the only one who said yes.  Even within the ADHD community....I'm still the odd man out! lol  I'm a weirdo....what can I say?

But I can move from one to the other seamlessly and flawlessly and not be ambivalent about myself and who I am.  I am both not just one or the other.  This does make me somewhat of a Chamleon by predisposition I think since it's never been not easy for me to do this or something I've had to try very hard to do.....even as a kid.  I can fit myself easily in to many situations....but within each...there are those, who sense that I am an interloper into their sacred territory and not just in a religious sense either..... since I don't fit the symbolic profile they're looking for and appear like I don't belong there.

I'm a jock...and I'm an Artist.  Those two worlds don't mix at all. Very different personalities and very, very different ideologies.  And yet... I mix easily between those two worlds with those few exceptions in each world that make my life difficult.

I have business experience and a business education....and I'm an Artist.  I was accepted into a brand new masters program that only accepted 12 people out of hundreds who applied from around the world and was one of the first ones to be picked to enter only the 2nd year of the program. Stating on the acceptance letter..." a stand out portfolio".  But  I couldn't  attend for various reasons even with the scholarship they offered me which was pretty generous (1/3 off the tuition) my time there since I was going through the entry process...I still felt like a fish out of water in the group of students attending.  I still stood out in a weird way in comparison.

I'm really into the environment and conservation.....but I Love nothing more than Gas guzzling high performance cars that get 6 miles to the gallon and scream with obnoxiousness.  I'm part mechanic, part Artist and part Designer, and part Architect and part Structural Engineer.  And yet....I've been a Triathlete, and a serious competitive Swimmer where I made my mark there as well.  In my first Triathelon...I was 11th out of the water along side the professionals who do that for a living. I ended up around 850th since I'm such a piss poor runner.  Talk about demoralizing....watching 844 people pass you from that kind of start! LOL  But I enjoyed doing it and did them for a few years any way....just for fun.

I Love Sailing...and I Love Motor boats.  Take your pick....I'm not picky.  I'll eat most anything.  I sleep anywhere....inside or doesn't matter. I enjoy a little of everything but not to much of anything.  I've never been truly addicted to anything since once I get to a point....I need something new.  That is....except a partner.  I never would have left any of my previous serious relationship ie" marriages....unless the person I was married too made that decision.  In part....that was from my insecure attachment but...not the part of me that is committed.  Once I commit.  I commit all the way.  Commitment...has never been a problem for me.

It's seems....I am a Universal creature in may ways and can get along with anyone. And yet....I'm still not accepted by some in each and every category.  As it seems...the better I perform in each one....the more of those who don't think I symbolically belong that come out of the wood work just to Fuck with me.  That's not being a victim....that's actually the truth that I wish was not that way.  The only competition I'm aware when someone is next to me and wanting to race me to the finish line.  I'll do that any day whether I win or not just for the fun of it.

The saddest thing for me in all of this comes.....when someone wants me to be just one of those things and needs to plug me into one hole and stay their.  In my marriages and personal relationships....this has always been the case.  At the time.....I didn't''t understand where I stood in comparing myself to everyone else.  I've always just thought I was just like everyone else and only wanted to be included.  I've never thought of myself as special or with any special talents or gifts aside from the obvious in Art.  That's the one that really stood out as a child that was hard not to notice.  But I didn't really care if anyone noticed it or not.  I just did it...because I liked it and it was fun to do.  I was compelled you might say.  No one had to twist my arm and I wasn't doing it to get anything more from it than just to have fun and enjoy myself.  Art in not a competition although....the few I've run into problems with....seemed to think it is?  I think for has a symbolic meaning to them and they need that badge or emblem to wear and are checking to see who else they have to beat to get there.

For can't get there from here.  I don't want to live symbolically.....I want the real deal or nothing at all.  That appears to be a personal problem of mine?  This Healer I'm supposed to be however....has eluded me?  Maybe I need to follow the book on that one and see where it takes me?  It couldn't hurt.  What do you think?