Long time lurker, finally posting

I originally found this site when I was searching "husband doesn't thank me for dinner." The more I read, the more I realized it wasn't me with the problem.

Background - my husband is the one with ADD. We've been married almost 25 years. Five years ago he started therapy for depression and eventually was diagnosed with ADD. He has been on meds for both for the past four and a half years.

He claims I am controlling, have anger management problems, and am emotionally abusive towards him. I'm not denying that's true but I believe it's from 20 years of me dealing with his undiagnosed ADD. I had to be controlling or else nothing would get done. I got angry because he would forget things I asked him to do and run errands that would take hours longer because he would visit someone and never let me know and because I was responsible for everything. He says that I use his ADD as a way to avoid taking responsibility for my actions. I finally told him that he can't use it as an excuse either, although he's not taking responsibility anyway.

In the past five years, he has had "feelings" for two different women. In both cases, those feelings weren't returned. One obsession lasted more than two years. The last was only for a few months. For the last one, I found myself apologizing for not having a passion or being interesting enough for him and causing him to look elsewhere. Now I'm realizing how crazy that was.

I feel fortunate that he has almost always had a good job. Unfortunately, he is not good with money and makes impulsive purchases. We currently have three bank accounts - one joint and two individual. He is in charge of paying bills and I know it's a terrible idea. But I do almost everything else and I know that if I take over that job, he won't take over anything from me.

We have three kids - one in college, one about to graduate high school, and one in elementary school. I don't want to wait another eight years for the youngest to graduate.

I'm so tired of being the responsible adult and taking care of everything around the house and not getting any appreciation. I'm tired of being last on his list of priorities (his work, his hobbies, his (former) best friend) and being treated like my things are unimportant.

I've tried to be patient and understanding and he says that he can see the changes but thinks that I'll eventually fall back into old patterns and start treating him poorly again. And now I'm realizing that he has hardly done anything to make things better for me.

We moved out of state two years ago and he's discovering who he is, which is great for him. But it's not someone I want to be with or even someone I like. He went to run some errands and came home with a tattoo. I no longer trust anything he says. When he goes somewhere, I wonder what else he's doing. He lies by omission.

He told me that he loves me but he's not in love with me. He doesn't want to hurt me, but I'm not sure he realizes how much he has hurt me.

So I'm working with my therapist on an exit plan. I want primary custody of our youngest and I want to move back to where we lived two years ago. Mostly I want some peace and quiet and not the physical and emotional chaos that I'm currently existing with.