Long weekend...

File under "rant"--no obligation to comment. What could be said anyway?

THURSDAY:  1. Having made the mistake of asking DH for help when younger son is suddenly on crutches, this has devolved over the last month into him sorta moving back, mostly arriving late to pick son up from school, and generally messing up anything I am stupid enough--in my overwhelmed state--to ask him to do for his son. On Thursday morning, this culminates in my finding he's blown off getting paperwork done for an upcoming school trip, which husband "solves" in front of me by making another one of his rambling/incoherent/half-informed phone calls on the guidance counselor's voicemail. When I try (gently, I swear) to get his attention so he can ask the correct questions, he snarls at me to "cut to the chase". Yes, I finally lose it. I ask him to move back out, so I can have some peace. 2. That night, there is some commotion in the apartment hallway--but I sleep through it, as do both my sons.

FRIDAY: 1. Awake to several drunken phone messages from DH--apparently he was drunk outside the door, begging to be let in. (He has a key, but locked himself out of his office; the doorman could've let him in but he was either too ashamed or not thinking to ask; he called me several times, but didn't call either son...) The messages are tearful, apologetic of "all he's put me through" and actually announce this is his "rock bottom". While trying to get my youngest out to school (and an uber cab), I call husband. He is downstairs ready to take son to school! Having slept in his car, still drunk, and now abusive to me. I am afraid he might kill someone, so I take all this guff while pleading for him not to drive off, but instead to come up to the apartment to sleep it off. He does, finally...I go to work. 2) I come home from work and notice he has a black eye. I have never seen a person with a black eye, despite my own ragtag upbringing. Truth: It is a shocking sight. I gently wake him by going about my business, and tell him it is his choice...but if he does not want his kids to see him like that, he has about an hour to clean up and leave. He does.

SATURDAY: 1. I get three emails thanking me for being so wonderful, from different women I've given career help to...this kind of dissonance, between outside life and turmoil at home is always so jarring. 2. I get an email from younger son's school for ADHD/Dyslexic kids, telling me son has started lying again about homework and is about to tank his Junior year of H.S.. 3. I call DH at country house to make sure he is alive. He is grateful I would call, and quite remorseful. Of course, when I say, as I did before, "go to a meeting" there are many reasons why snow makes that impossible. He does tell me he is in the middle of writing me a long letter of apology. I do not respond with interest in this creative writing. 4. Younger son and I have a pretty calm talk about school--am trying to keep lines of communication open, no matter what. He goes off to do all his make-up homework.

SUNDAY: 1. I call husband again to make sure he is alive. This time he sounds sober and healthy and full of adrenaline rush ideas about how to keep himself sober. I suggest he "go to a meeting"...he mumbles. Now that he is better, he is not apologetic...rather mean again. And making nonsensical jokes about his bad behavior; I quietly suggest this is not time for jokes.  2. Older son comes home from the job he's working since flunking out of college and being tricked by me into getting employment. He actually seems...happy...which makes me (what is this strange emotion?) happy. We have the best talk in a couple of years about him needing a break from school/executive function challenges and how he will go back when he's ready, but for now, he's in his physical prime and knows so much about skiing and is making enough money pursuing outdoor recreation work. So, I "let go and let god" and "do me" by having a neighbor over. 3. Neighbor and I chat--she's a widower and  I'm whatever it is I am--and we think maybe we'll take a road trip next year. Wow, just thinking about that makes me...smile... 3. As soon as she leaves, younger son reveals he's still lying...that he had another homework due, that he hates school and what's the use. We fight a little--but he is taller than I am, a pent up coil of anger, doing that ADHD emotionality fuming rage thing...so I just rub his shoulders and send him to bed. 4. I cry.

MONDAY: 1. Wake younger son for school--he is still fuming...so I walk on eggshells and try to stay positive. Relieved he goes to sshool. Consider. for the zillionth time, the family motto, "It could be worse.". 2. Open email. DH has sent me a birthday card. 30 seconds of flower petals, and then it says "Happy Birthday" and is "signed" by our dog. 3. Vent on ADHD website and got to work.

TUESDAY: And what will happen tomorrow? It's just too exciting to contemplate!