File under "rant"--no obligation to comment. What could be said anyway?
THURSDAY: 1. Having made the mistake of asking DH for help when younger son is suddenly on crutches, this has devolved over the last month into him sorta moving back, mostly arriving late to pick son up from school, and generally messing up anything I am stupid enough--in my overwhelmed state--to ask him to do for his son. On Thursday morning, this culminates in my finding he's blown off getting paperwork done for an upcoming school trip, which husband "solves" in front of me by making another one of his rambling/incoherent/half-informed phone calls on the guidance counselor's voicemail. When I try (gently, I swear) to get his attention so he can ask the correct questions, he snarls at me to "cut to the chase". Yes, I finally lose it. I ask him to move back out, so I can have some peace. 2. That night, there is some commotion in the apartment hallway--but I sleep through it, as do both my sons.
FRIDAY: 1. Awake to several drunken phone messages from DH--apparently he was drunk outside the door, begging to be let in. (He has a key, but locked himself out of his office; the doorman could've let him in but he was either too ashamed or not thinking to ask; he called me several times, but didn't call either son...) The messages are tearful, apologetic of "all he's put me through" and actually announce this is his "rock bottom". While trying to get my youngest out to school (and an uber cab), I call husband. He is downstairs ready to take son to school! Having slept in his car, still drunk, and now abusive to me. I am afraid he might kill someone, so I take all this guff while pleading for him not to drive off, but instead to come up to the apartment to sleep it off. He does, finally...I go to work. 2) I come home from work and notice he has a black eye. I have never seen a person with a black eye, despite my own ragtag upbringing. Truth: It is a shocking sight. I gently wake him by going about my business, and tell him it is his choice...but if he does not want his kids to see him like that, he has about an hour to clean up and leave. He does.
SATURDAY: 1. I get three emails thanking me for being so wonderful, from different women I've given career help to...this kind of dissonance, between outside life and turmoil at home is always so jarring. 2. I get an email from younger son's school for ADHD/Dyslexic kids, telling me son has started lying again about homework and is about to tank his Junior year of H.S.. 3. I call DH at country house to make sure he is alive. He is grateful I would call, and quite remorseful. Of course, when I say, as I did before, "go to a meeting" there are many reasons why snow makes that impossible. He does tell me he is in the middle of writing me a long letter of apology. I do not respond with interest in this creative writing. 4. Younger son and I have a pretty calm talk about school--am trying to keep lines of communication open, no matter what. He goes off to do all his make-up homework.
SUNDAY: 1. I call husband again to make sure he is alive. This time he sounds sober and healthy and full of adrenaline rush ideas about how to keep himself sober. I suggest he "go to a meeting"...he mumbles. Now that he is better, he is not apologetic...rather mean again. And making nonsensical jokes about his bad behavior; I quietly suggest this is not time for jokes. 2. Older son comes home from the job he's working since flunking out of college and being tricked by me into getting employment. He actually seems...happy...which makes me (what is this strange emotion?) happy. We have the best talk in a couple of years about him needing a break from school/executive function challenges and how he will go back when he's ready, but for now, he's in his physical prime and knows so much about skiing and is making enough money pursuing outdoor recreation work. So, I "let go and let god" and "do me" by having a neighbor over. 3. Neighbor and I chat--she's a widower and I'm whatever it is I am--and we think maybe we'll take a road trip next year. Wow, just thinking about that makes me...smile... 3. As soon as she leaves, younger son reveals he's still lying...that he had another homework due, that he hates school and what's the use. We fight a little--but he is taller than I am, a pent up coil of anger, doing that ADHD emotionality fuming rage thing...so I just rub his shoulders and send him to bed. 4. I cry.
MONDAY: 1. Wake younger son for school--he is still fuming...so I walk on eggshells and try to stay positive. Relieved he goes to sshool. Consider. for the zillionth time, the family motto, "It could be worse.". 2. Open email. DH has sent me a birthday card. 30 seconds of flower petals, and then it says "Happy Birthday" and is "signed" by our dog. 3. Vent on ADHD website and got to work.
TUESDAY: And what will happen tomorrow? It's just too exciting to contemplate!
Freudian slip
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Correction: My friend is a widow. I typed "widower". Hmmn. Is part of my still wishing I had a man who loved me in my little life?
hugs
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
{{{ hugs }}}
I understand the dissonance part. I am frequently told how helpful I am with my business, but if you were to listen to H, I'm an idiot. Of course, I know that I'm not, but when dealing with an ADHD/alcoholic with depression/anxiety/OCD/and a PD, you're going to hear a lot of nonsense.
thank you
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
with more than enough on your own plate, I so appreciate you taking a moment to offer me comfort...so kind...
Hey, we all have to stick together!!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Otherwise we'll go nuts!!!
>>>
executive function challenges
>>>
are you working with your kids on this? My older son has some EFD issues, but he's learned a lot of coping skills.
Yes--strength in numbers
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Re your question about Executive Functioning: It's complicated because my husband and my two sons each have EFD issues, but in varying degrees and manifesting in different ways.
My H exists--especially for the younger son--as a living breathing example of what NOT to do; the father is a negative example, which son is often inspired to learn from, but it hurts to have such a father...and some days it is painful for him to think he might ever be like his dad. That boy is getting a lot of support at his LD school, and is seriously considering one of the colleges that only teach one course at a time--like Cornell College in Iowa. Nonetheless, the disability never entirely does away. Right now he is way behind in school work--is it because of the special cocktail of Executive Function challenges mixed with his Dad's especially dramatic recent booze and weed stupidities? Even if he didn't have a learning disability, I could hardly blame this 17 year old young man for acting out/shutting down.
Older son refuses meds, and lets his Dad view him as his personal "mini me" . DH lures him to spend time at the country house, then DH calls me in a panic when our older son goes catatonic. H also likes to bad mouth me to older son and blame any and everything on me. This is complicated and painful, because I went through so much trying to get the first son diagnosed, trying to find the right schools and approaches--all the while my H did nothing, just watched as if I were his personal reality show...So, every mistake is my fault, with H in no way responsible. And I did yell and lose it when my kid kept lying, and no one would diagnose him but only tell me he was lazy, and the poor kid was blowing one opportunity after another for gifted kids (he is SO smart and talented, though he's yet to see much come of his gifts...) When husband gets into this "you & me son against your crazy mom" mode, he showers all kinds of money and stuff on older son. And older son just quietly takes whatever comes his way--it's painful to watch, but he definitely uses his Dad. In some ways my H deserves this, because he is so ridiculous, but I cringe seeing my older son develop such passive-aggressive selfishness. (I pray to the universe that son is not on his way to becoming one of the husbands we vent over on this site). With this boy--meds, docs, a special school and more have given him the tools; but now he must WANT to use them. My hope is that, at some point in his mid-twenties, HE will see the need to finish college, then set his mind to do so. That is the only way. Meanwhile, my small victory is to get him out of living in that isolated house with my husband--my son can barely take care of himself, let alone be responsible for his toxic father. My son needs to be away from the drama so he can heal.
With both boys, I note the ADHD EFD really seems to reach the lowpoint this Junior Year of High School. Maybe that's because of the pre-college pressures. Maybe a person can only struggle for so long, only fend off the disappointment in the eyes of teachers, etc. for so long. Maybe it has to do with brain development. Perhaps you have also read, dear Exhausted, about how the young adult brain of someone with ADHD does not entirely fuse until mid to late twenties. What awful timing as our kids attempt to navigate college and pre-career choices! I am hard-wired to be a Tiger Mom--and I have mentored other people's kid's toward truly great accomplishments...BUT...for my OWN boys...I am stepping back...I am giving them as many tools as possible but dialing down my expectations for now...I am just trying to love them, to keep the lines of communication open. And when they are finally ready, I hope to be able to help them realize their goals (which may not be anything I would ever imagine for them...) So humbling, to be kidnapped and sent on this ADHD march, eh...?
Thank you for the heart and mind you share with this forum. I appreciate your support and hope this is a better day for you.
CosmicJoke, you are not
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
CosmicJoke, you are not stupid!
Your last few days sound horrifying. I'm particularly sorry to hear about your sons' struggles. The combination of your husband's bad role modeling and him not helping raise your children is a double whammy. You are doing a stupendous job under the circumstances. I wish I could help you more directly than just offering these few words of support.
Thank you
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
I appreciate your support Rosered. I've had to keep away from the internet for a couple days, both to deal with all the chaos, and frankly, bc I feel like my head will explode. Between your own ongoing marital separation; professional challenges; lack of appreciation by your in-laws even as you offer head and heart to try to look out for their best interests; and the way you must so often work to not let your husband interfere with your daughter's needs...well, what you write here often resonates deeply. Thank you so much for what you share. I hope this is one of the better days.