I'm ending a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone with severe ADHD or, at least, it seems that way. He's going through a lot of stress right now. In addition to the change with us, his parents are divorcing and his money is tight. It seems that he's having a break before my eyes. On top of his usual foul mood, his behavior has taken a really dark turn and is now unpredictable. This change started taking shape a few days ago. Pretty much he's crafted a complex conspiracy theory and is weaving his family, friends, and even me into it. I've taken to keeping my bedroom door closed and have told him not to disturb me. He does it anyway, so I started locking my door. I started this about a month ago. It's been good for me, but I think that's caused him to withdraw and go deeper into his imagination. Now here we are: everyone from his childhood until now is somehow conspiring against him.
He literally said to me "I don't know if I can trust you" this morning. That's just scary. What does that even mean? This was after I went to the living room to see him crying tears of frustration because he couldn't log into his computer. (He sleeps on the couch instead of in his room, which is also a problem that I've mentioned to him a few times.) The reason for his frustration this morning? He claimed he was being hacked because he was trying over and over to log in and couldn't get in. Of course, after talking and then fighting with me, he regrouped and has been on his computer for a couple of hours. Instead of it being user error, he's sure that someone was actively hacking him. When he got in he was saying "I'm so smart", "I'm smarter than them." There is no way for me to convince him otherwise, therefore, I've not tried. This isn't the only bit of conspiracy. He went out of his way to warn me earlier this week that there might be spies watching him and, therefore, me. BTW, this is someone who isn't good with technology and is so suspicious of the Internet that he won't order things online and used my ride share account for months before getting his own. (The only reason he has one now is that when we broke up I locked him out of mine, so he had to create his own.) From my perspective, he woke up upset and agitated, and human error prevented him from logging in. I'm a big fan of Occams's Razor: basically, when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is better. He and I are a big mismatch.
For the last two hours or so he's been on a video call with his mother, so she's been getting his anger wrapped in conspiracy theories. About half way in, I asked him when he'd be finished. Mind you this all started just before 7am. He's finally done talking to her, so it's been 4 hours of this madness.
I've been lurking on this forum for awhile, so it seems like I've experienced a lot of what many of you have:
- verbal abuse
- frequent fights
- him being sure that no one "understands" or gets it (of course, he's the only one who does)
- walking on eggshells
- not being sure when his mood is good or bad
- being accused of being a nag when I remind him of something or share how something is bothering me
- him constantly policing my "tone" - no matter how I say something he tries to accuse me of having the wrong tone
- him accusing me of being selfish and unfair because he's doing everything to accommodate me, which implies I do nothing to accommodate him
Eventually, I'd just had enough and told him it was over. I don't see anything he's doing beyond medicating himself with marijuana, which is legal where we are. (I don't have a problem with that; it's just that only treats one aspect of ADHD.)
He says once he pays me back in full then he’ll be able to save and move. He’s been pretty good with paying me back. This month he’s been unable to. I doubt his father is going to support him if he continues this course of behavior. Yes, his father sends him money regularly, and I realize even though I could trust him with small sums of money I should have never agreed to loan him more than I could afford to lose. I'm now stuck and either have to risk not seeing the rest of it or figuring something out. That’s been really tough because I'm also looking for a new job. Having this stress in the background isn't easy. In fact, he pretty much ruined a phone interview I had this week because he was outside on the phone yelling at his father. (I eventually left and did the interview in my car.)
At this point, I'm getting close to my wit's end. I figured it would be fine: he could settle his debt, save his money, and move. Instead, things seem to be getting worse the longer he stays here.
I'm not looking for solutions. I need a safe place to vent. This is something I'm not even sharing with friends, and that's pretty hard for me.
I'm not looking for solutions
Submitted by Chevron on
I'm not looking for solutions. I need a safe place to vent.
Glad you flagged us on this, Kitty. Yes we do use the site at times to do a much needed vent, among other things. Glad you're here. He doesnt sound in good shape, at all.
Not forbidden
Submitted by KittyPlatinumPink on
Thanks, Chevron.
I'm not against getting advice. I've just had the experience that people swoop in to solve the problem rather than showing empathy. In fact, that's something he does, so maybe I've got some negative conditioning and feel I won't be heard.
With that said, I'd rather have empathy than replies telling me to do this or do that regarding him.
I'm capable. I'll figure it out. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.
The last year or two of being in this has been awful. I didn't end it because I feared being alone. What finally happened was I realized I'd be better off alone than with him.
Emotionally, being in the middle of this with someone that I care deeply for is awful. I never realized what ADHD can do to someone if they choose not to help themselves. I have to say I'm to the point that I regret the day my path crossed with his. Eventually, I'll get to the point of forgiving myself for making such a bad decision.
I totally appreciate this
Submitted by Chevron on
I totally appreciate this that you said:
Thanks, Chevron.
I'm not against getting advice. I've just had the experience that people swoop in to solve the problem rather than showing empathy. In fact, that's something he does, so maybe I've got some negative conditioning and feel I won't be heard.
Empathy's needed for anyone who shows up here. ADHD Is such a hidden thing...people who have it work hard not to show it outside the home because they've been dinged for their ways and their lack of solutions to their ADHD generated problems out there outside the home...they dont get breaks for their different ways. And they dont after all want to let on that they'r different, very often.. And people who dont have ADHD for good reason go through shock and awe when the relationship moves from the initial high into what happens at home.
Yeah people online do swoop in to give advice. I think it's goodhearted on this site, very nearly always.
Yes it is awful to love someone deeply and it not be working out. It is. Stay with us for awhile, Kitty, if you like. You've been reading, so you know other people in dating, not married relations are posting, working on things.
I'm a non ADHD wife a few years into a late in life marriage with someone who has ADHD. Late in life learning curve for me. ADHD was a brand new item for me. This site has helped a lot
So many things to say...like if you can, dont be too hard on yourself for not knowing much about ADHD, or about your partner's relation with his ADHD, before you gave your heart to him. : ) you're in good company on that one, on this site
Hi Kitty....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I didn't end it because I feared being alone. What finally happened was I realized I'd be better off alone than with him.)
You really don't need a lot of advice, it is very difficult to come to the realization that you have, and be a big enough person to face it, and say it....There is one reality I had to finally face myself....Why would a person who lives like many of our spouses and B/G friends live want to leave??
They have it made in the shade....That's why? Think about it??
C
I guess :)
Submitted by KittyPlatinumPink on
I'm still too new to have an idea about folks' lifestyles. I will admit that if I had more skin the game being married, which comes with a higher level of commitment, I might double-down too. I don't have those ties or kids with him thankfully. It's gone far enough after 4 1/2 years of this b.s. It's just time to move on. It's already taking months to get rid of him. I can't imagine how long it would take if we were married, and if we had kids, you can never get rid of them because you have to co-parent. He says he wants to be friends, but I don't think he's wired to actually move forward to a healthy friendship with me. We'll see.
Hi Kitty,
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi Kitty,
I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself and choosing a better life. Your partner sounds a lot like my XBF. He was chronically angry and very paranoid. I was with him almost 11 years, and he got worse as the years went by. He would perceive things differently than most people, always finding fault in others. If I disagreed with him in the least on any issue, he would accuse me of disrespecting him or forming alliances with others who were "against him". My XBF quit working very early in our relationship and became financially dependent on me. I'm so glad you are throwing him out. One word of warning, it can be very hard, even after the breakup, to get a person like this to actually leave your home and untangle all the other attachments to you. My XBF promised to leave after he saved up a little money, but in reality, after I threw him off the couch and out of the house, I found out months later that instead of leaving the state like he said he was going to do, he actually only traveled about 30 miles to my vacation house and slept there in its unfinished hillside basement for months!!!! While there, he wired it with cameras and microphones, later writing me that he had recorded me there when I had no idea. There's probably more than just ADHD going on with your partner. Mine was eventually diagnosed with ADHD and Paranoid personality disorder. Watch out, it can be a dangerous and a very long process to get him totally out of your life. He might threaten suicide or start stealing things of yours like mine did. He still insists that I "owe" him. Be sure and protect your finances, too. My credit card was hacked, and he took my personal information to try to make online purchases and open charge accounts online. He took my new car ( because I trusted him and put his name as a joint owner on the title even though he didn't contribute a penny to its purchase), and sold it!!! He still stalks me for over two years now with threatening emails every month or so. The police do little or nothing about it, saying he has to commit "a real crime" before they would act.
Wow
Submitted by KittyPlatinumPink on
Yeah. I'm sure he's got more than ADHD. He's on the couch now talking to his mother about this conspiracy theory that he's crafted. I can hear it too, and it sounds like rubbish. He's basing it on his newly recollected memories, which I don't think are real, and stuff he's found online, so now he's certain he's right. Instead of comforting his mother through her divorce, he's found a way to make himself the star, again. I'm not a psychologist, but he's really self-absorbed. I'm not sure if that's an ADHD trait or if it's something else.
While his money is tight, he's consistently been good at handling his money. Right now, his credit is better than mine, to be honest, so I don't think there is a risk that he'll try something funny. Also, I would have never loaned him money. For him, one badge of honor he has is that he's trustworthy with money. I'm hoping I don't have the twists you have. However, thanks for the heads up.
I do think there will be a couple of twists. I think if anything happens, it will end up he was too ambitious about his timeline to move out. If so, I'll have to serve him a 30-day notice when that time comes and take it from there. The one thing I will do is change all of the locks. I might even move as I'm renting. We'll see.
Me Too.... Kitty
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm going through the same process with me only being a little ahead of you right now. My spouse is "out' and me being the ADHD guy here ( a long way down the learning curve myself ) my wife's behaviors and symptoms you listed seemed to line up the same as hers so I'll assume on one thing here in how you are feeling right now. It sound very much to me like your gut is telling you some things and you are moving on that or looking at that direction. I won't give you advise or tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did that worked or that I would repeat again if I had to go through that all over again as far a getting her to move or leave.....mostly on her own.
What I did right......as an alternative to "twisting his arm" and "giving him a 30 day notice as an ultimatum per se....meaning, not for the main reason or thing that I did right which I have come to find after the fact, that it is the recommendation so this is more a testimonial of sorts. I allowed it to happen in it's own time but during that time I was removing the reasons as I saw myself......as to what she wanted or was trying to get from me? What C said plays into the same thing as well saying "they got it made, why leave?" What ever it is they want, and what ever that "thing" that seems to be the one thing being focused on or paid attention and constantly brought up. Those "I want this"....and "I'm not getting that".......I'd listen to what those are saying....and then start removing those from the program and eleminate them entirely for a while but not with you withdrawing or changing the way you treat him. Just remove the "non-human" benefits......or "things" he wants? Other than you? It kind of narrows down his options for him.....and when it boils all the way down to "just you"...and that's all he gets ( but still gets all of you.....the important aspect of this or it won't work ) ALL OF YOU.......if all that's left, you'll get your answer shortly, as his anger will increase? The more of "YOU" he gets to have exclusively available and giving "all of yourself" to him "williningly".....no conflicts, no arguements or no disagreeing or fighting? "Here I am....I'm all your's and I willing to give you anything you want......of me.?"
And if he gets even angrier....the more you cut off "what ever it is he feeding on "...and you're just there, available, offering , willingly and enthusiastic and just focusing on being that and not allowing his moods to affect you.....then you can just be yourself and act like you would with anyone and not have what he does have any effect on you? And if you basically stop serving him or his needs but you are being the best you can be and not demanding of him other than what you want....you know...why you are with that person in the first place? I found that when I did that, what comes out of their mouth and the things they say at that point will really depart from reality in a hurry? When you do you part exactly the way you would do it for anyone from the heart.......and now, there they are sitting in front of you and your waiting for the normal reciprocation? I won't tell you what I saw......I just telling to notice, if you can get there and just watch what happens? I don't think you will have toi wait too long for answer? Impatience isn't a strong suit for a person like this in my experience including myself, to a certain degree. Actually that's not correct......."impatience" can be part of being "impulsive" and "impulsively and patience" go kind of contrary it seems? LOL But you can be very patient and have ADHD? I'm proof of that, but I'm also not angry all the time. Impatience, is a form of anger so the angrier a person is inside I guess it's fair to same the more impatient one would be?
And just so you know, I'm hyperactive or use to be ....but even now, I know what impulsive is and feels like. And it happens all the time every day? And you can still be patient and that not be a problem. Interupting etc.......all can be controlled. To the point you never know I was a hyper "type" person with ADHD? But I'm really patient......as people have told me? And it's not easy all the time.....but with practice....it becomes second nature and it's not that hard to do? But I'm not angry or harboring a lot of contempt or hatred which will make you stressed and burning up a lot of energy just fighting that off all the time. And meds do wonders there too but I'm digressing here....more than anything, I'm saying I know exactly where you are and wondering exact;y what to do or how to do it;......exactly?
All I can say is what I did and why which for me, ended much better than it could have with my past relationships to compare to. Allowing him to see that he is not happy with you...and allowing him to feel that the decision was mostly my wifes even though I had to give her permission first a( basically ) if he looks bad, or he is made to look bad or look like will be ashamed or get close to feeling shame......shame is intolerable for a person with a real problem with this....and if you allow the circumstance and his own behaviors stand out from yours doing the right thing and behaving in ways where you are not ashamed of yourself.......this will show him in the spot of of "shame" and "exposure".....and the seond that happens in my expereince....is they will be out of there in a hurry. That can end badly if they have a penchant for revenge and vindictive behavior however. I guess, I was ready qand prepared for the worst and hoping for the best and letting her dicide ot to make the decision but not without me doing my part in this to get her to that point where she made the decision and it wasn't forced on her. Her absolute aversion to "Authority" from anyone toward her of any kind, made it impossible to deal with and make demands from her. Cutting off her "oxygen" in that respect, made her cut and run from the catastophe that she created. The difference between her and I.......I cleaning up all my past catastrophes mistakes or errors ..as I ma prone to do, and not going anywhere..and she's running from hers....as she has always done. If you don't feel safe living where you do and having to move and that's not a problem...then that might be easier in some respect, but for my own peace of mind and refusing to live scared.......I made it pretty clear right off the bats ( in writing ) what my boundaries are? You don't have to wait for them to accuse you of doing anything.....if push comes to shove and you've cut off their "oxygen".....they will leave and move on to more fertile pastures if the mild has run dry and there no more going to be available? That's a lot easier than throwing someone out against their will and they do it willingly. A better way to go if I had my choice or do to it over again? The rest is up to you as to how , just reporting the easy or the hard way I guess? The more options the better I think, you're the best one to know which one to use that much I understand clearly, but for your best interest, you can make it worse or better depending on which approach you take. Good luck with that, I think your intuition is right on the mark. Not all of this is ADHD, I think you are right on that much.
J
Thanks
Submitted by KittyPlatinumPink on
I appreciate you weighing in.