The longest breakup...ever

I'm ending a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone with severe ADHD or, at least, it seems that way. He's going through a lot of stress right now. In addition to the change with us, his parents are divorcing and his money is tight. It seems that he's having a break before my eyes. On top of his usual foul mood, his behavior has taken a really dark turn and is now unpredictable. This change started taking shape a few days ago. Pretty much he's crafted a complex conspiracy theory and is weaving his family, friends, and even me into it. I've taken to keeping my bedroom door closed and have told him not to disturb me. He does it anyway, so I started locking my door. I started this about a month ago. It's been good for me, but I think that's caused him to withdraw and go deeper into his imagination. Now here we are: everyone from his childhood until now is somehow conspiring against him.

He literally said to me "I don't know if I can trust you" this morning. That's just scary. What does that even mean? This was after I went to the living room to see him crying tears of frustration because he couldn't log into his computer. (He sleeps on the couch instead of in his room, which is also a problem that I've mentioned to him a few times.) The reason for his frustration this morning? He claimed he was being hacked because he was trying over and over to log in and couldn't get in. Of course, after talking and then fighting with me, he regrouped and has been on his computer for a couple of hours. Instead of it being user error, he's sure that someone was actively hacking him. When he got in he was saying "I'm so smart", "I'm smarter than them." There is no way for me to convince him otherwise, therefore, I've not tried. This isn't the only bit of conspiracy. He went out of his way to warn me earlier this week that there might be spies watching him and, therefore, me. BTW, this is someone who isn't good with technology and is so suspicious of the Internet that he won't order things online and used my ride share account for months before getting his own. (The only reason he has one now is that when we broke up I locked him out of mine, so he had to create his own.) From my perspective, he woke up upset and agitated, and human error prevented him from logging in. I'm a big fan of Occams's Razor: basically, when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is better. He and I are a big mismatch.

For the last two hours or so he's been on a video call with his mother, so she's been getting his anger wrapped in conspiracy theories. About half way in, I asked him when he'd be finished. Mind you this all started just before 7am. He's finally done talking to her, so it's been 4 hours of this madness.

I've been lurking on this forum for awhile, so it seems like I've experienced a lot of what many of you have:

  • verbal abuse
  • frequent fights
  • him being sure that no one "understands" or gets it (of course, he's the only one who does)
  • walking on eggshells
  • not being sure when his mood is good or bad
  • being accused of being a nag when I remind him of something or share how something is bothering me
  • him constantly policing my "tone" - no matter how I say something he tries to accuse me of having the wrong tone
  • him accusing me of being selfish and unfair because he's doing everything to accommodate me, which implies I do nothing to accommodate him

Eventually, I'd just had enough and told him it was over. I don't see anything he's doing beyond medicating himself with marijuana, which is legal where we are. (I don't have a problem with that; it's just that only treats one aspect of ADHD.)

He says once he pays me back in full then he’ll be able to save and move. He’s been pretty good with paying me back. This month he’s been unable to. I doubt his father is going to support him if he continues this course of behavior. Yes, his father sends him money regularly, and I realize even though I could trust him with small sums of money I should have never agreed to loan him more than I could afford to lose. I'm now stuck and either have to risk not seeing the rest of it or figuring something out. That’s been really tough because I'm also looking for a new job. Having this stress in the background isn't easy. In fact, he pretty much ruined a phone interview I had this week because he was outside on the phone yelling at his father. (I eventually left and did the interview in my car.)

At this point, I'm getting close to my wit's end. I figured it would be fine: he could settle his debt, save his money, and move. Instead, things seem to be getting worse the longer he stays here.

I'm not looking for solutions. I need a safe place to vent. This is something I'm not even sharing with friends, and that's pretty hard for me.