Looking for help/advice

Hi All,

Only just joined this site and I am hoping to find some advice and support if possible.

My situation is this:

Both myself and my teenage son are chronically ill/disabled.

I have a happy and healthy 5 year old daughter.

My husband has ADHD

Since myself and my son became ill, my husband has now had to take on the role of carer and is the main person carrying out all household tasks/cooking/cleaning/washing/school runs/childcare etc. because of my extremely limited abilities. He also works from home, amid many distractions, in order that he is around to provide care as and when we need it.

As you can imagine this is extremely difficult for him. For 99% of the time our house is disorganised and messy, washing is hardly ever done, our daughter is usually late to school..we arrive late at most places including hospital and doctors appointments etc etc.

He is feeling the stress of it all and over time has also become more irritable and stressy because of the demands on his shoulders. Our level of arguing has also increased, as has my level of frustration and also the way in which we argue  which has degenerated into nastiness.

We are both sufficiently aware to recognise this problem and are still at the stage where we can communicate and talk about issues and still love each other very much...which is why we are seeking help and ideas of how to improve the situation and our relationship.

Any thoughts would be most welcome. Thanks


may I ask how much you and son are able to help on good days?

Can you fold the clothes if he brings them to you?

Get hangers and hang "Outfits" for daughter so it is one- two steps to get her dressed in morning.

Have her pick out "outfit" at bedtime so it is laying out ready in the morning.

Set up a schedule for what needs to be done at night, if possible assign tasks to others to reduce his load. Ck off tasks as completed (the counselor we were seeing suggested this to my ADD ex? husband to do with our son but he never did it. I started it this week after vacation because evenings were always yea I will do it later, I am busy now etc (learned responses?). The first night was hard but now he grabs the schedule and marks stuff off after supper and sees what is left not saying it is perfect but it is better!)

Get a large desk calendar for appts, school, activities schedules etc. at beginning of school year go thru and mark on calendar the days off etc for school ( our school sends calendar in summer for the next year). Can highlight in different colors for each person if that helps. Put in spot that is easy to see/ check.

Is there a carpool or would forming one be a workable idea for school?

Can you hire a person to come in and clean once a week?

Is there some family or friends that would come in and help organize?

When my Kids were little I tried to organize to help them learn to pickup and such. I labeled containers toys went into and the shelf or area where the container should go with a picture of item (s) and the name of item. Worked well when I helped clean with them, not so much Dad put your daughter may like it!

Do you qualify for any program in your area that would have someone come and be with you and your son for a few hours a week so he could have a break?

Thanks for the reply. We

Thanks for the reply.

We actually do several of these things in one way or another already.

Have a basic job rota with a few simple jobs set out for each day of the week

I write lists if there are extras that need to be done

We use google calendar between us so if I add something he sees it straight away and gets text reminders.

Our daughters clothes/uniform/lunchbox etc are all sorted and set out ready to go the night before.

On a better day I fold clothes if he brings them to me.

We did have a cleaner that came once a fortnight but we found we could no longer afford it. As for help from social services it is something we need to look into through a carers assessment but hubby has been very reluctant to do this...perhaps procrastinating but also he feels he doesn't want to ask for help or look like someone who needs "sympathy".

Thanks again for your suggestions :-)